Top Five Reasons I hate Randy Moss by A.T. The Bartender
5. He got braces on his teeth while playing in his 20’s.
Maybe I’d understand if he was 12 years old playin’ Pop Warner and waitin’ for his balls to drop, but there’s a reason boxers don’t get nose jobs in between fights. Why hockey players wait until retirement to get their jiblets fixed. I have to admit though, it was great poetic comedy when he got smoked, and consequently had his lips stuck in ‘em.
4. He changes his number at every stop.
I’m sure he’d like us to believe it represents a fresh start, but we know he’s tryin’ to disguise himself and fly under the radar. Hey Randy: 88, 84, 18, 81, it don’t matter. We’ll always recognize that lanky douchebag that quit on our team.
3. He doesn’t block. Ever.
Who’s really surprised he doesn’t want to get his hands dirty? If he couldn’t jump and run like he can, he’d get man-handled by even the smallest d-backs in the league. Don’t worry bro, bein’ a complete player is totally over-rated. By the way, stop faking missing the block, ‘cuz that’s just embarrassing. Even for you. Even when we know you’re about to do it.
2. He takes plays off, and admits it.
OK, we get it. You’re a bad teammate. I just can’t believe you told everybody! Especially with a “Hell yeah, I take plays off!” as if you’re the one that’s right. Isn’t there a little football player in that tiny brain of yours that says, “Hey jackass! You do realize you’re makin’ us play 10 on 11?” Ass.
1. He quits on his team when they aren’t winning games.
I’ve never wanted to take away someone’s man card more than when he said in a TV interview, “I guess I didn’t play well because I was sad”, and then made it obvious he didn’t want to play anymore, let alone be the leader he claimed to be. So, he once again forces a team to give him away for a late rounder and a 6-pack, then POOF!!! He has a career year on a team that would’ve won without him. Oh wait, that’s right, they didn’t! I don’t think I’ve been more satisfied with a football game than his only Superbowl appearance. How would I pay for that karma-laden moment to happen again and again?
“Straight cash homie.”