The Secret Origin of The Big Two

BOOK ONE: ONCE UPON A TIME IN NERD OCCUPIED VAN(COUVER)…

IAN: A lot of people ask us “Hey fellas, how did THE BIG TWO come about? How did you meet? How did you decide to start up the greatest comic book review column on the internets? Well, since you asked, like INFINITY TIMES, I’ll tell you. Originally we had independently planned to start our own comic book review columns. Mine was to be called “Face Kick Wednesday” (awesome, no?) and Nuv’s was “Weekly Rainbows: Archie and All Your Favourites!” (Gawd.) Anyway, we were both typing away when we each got an e-mail from Mr. Fancy Pants Tim Berners-Lee telling us that the world wide web – which he fucking INVENTED – could not possibly support the weight of our two independent columns. The reasoning, he told us, ISN’T IMPORTANT. But what IS important is that Nuv and I decided to band together to preserve the internet as you know it and to basically rock out every Wednesday for your benefit. And also met while working together in the basement of some dungeon, started talking smack about comics all day, and our only salvation is that there are two comic book stores within walking distance.

NUV: I will allow that. Everything Ian just said is true. Thinking about face-kicking him makes me rainbow-happy.

BOOK TWO: THE JERKWATER KID in THE CASE OF THE CURSED SEARS CATALOGUE

IAN: I can’t remember the first comic book I ever got, but I remember that when I was a kid growing up in Jerkwater, Ontario, everyone I knew ordered their Christmas presents from the Sears catalogue. One of the things that I circled with a marker every year (and without fail got) was a bundle of back-issue reprints that the catalogue would have for sale. They were always super crappy comics too, like Sectaurs. Regardless, I loved those comics and would read them even though I knew they were bleh to the max. Keep in mind that right until I got my first job (Grade 11) my allowance was five dollars a week, which was pretty much child abuse even back in the late 80’s. My father and I were at a constant standstill, with him saying I’d get paid more if I did any housework AT ALL, and me staunchly refusing that bullshit. So, with my base-rate five bucks a week, the only thing I could buy was ONE comic book (whichever Spider-Man was out), a bottle of Pepsi, and a bag of chips. So that’s what I did every week for years. And even today, gosh darnit, I look back and think about how Web of Spider-Man was the friggin’ worst comic book ever printed by Marvel. The rest is history. For me, Wednesday comics make Wednesdays not only bearable, but something to look forward to every week.

BOOK THREE: REVENGE OF THE MEAN MOTHER (SHUT YO’ MOUTH)

NUV: Ha. I’ve never heard of a more appropriately named hometown than yours, Ian. Anyways, back to me…More significant than how I started on comics is a tragic tale that I think perfectly illustrates the way comics have impacted my life and that of those around me, as well as how much they mean to me.

Even though I spent large portions of my childhood training to fight crime, as a teenager I took the path of the villain. My mother often tried to bring me to justice, but just like the heroes I followed as a child, she took an oath never to kill (again), and just like Joker or Lex Luthor, I lived to escape and wreak more havoc. (No Mutie) See, I had always assumed I got my cunning from Pops. There’s no way I could’ve seen what was coming next…

I can’t even remember what I had done, but whatever it was forced Mom to go for the throat. I came home from school one day to find she had kidnapped my comics. “Not funny, Mom. Give ‘em back, and I promise I’ll turn over a new leaf.” (Toes crossed of course)

“…..YOU SOLD THEM?! ALL?!!?! FOR HOW MUCH?!?!?!?!?”

I could picture the salivating, nasal nerd-ling at the comic shop rubbing his greasy palms together, dollar signs for eyes as my mom sold him my prized possessions for crumbs.
I can’t even remember what I had done. I do remember I never did it again.
This round’s yours, Mother. Touché…

Perfect time to get a new hobby. This was the moment I realized I have no quit in me. It took me years but I eventually built my collection back up. It has surpassed the original in size, but not value. Monetary or sentimental.

EPILOGUE

IAN: And here we are. Years later and now Nuv and I have more comics than you and we’ve been given a divine mandate to kick ass in this column.

NUV: Word.

IAN: Hope you enjoy it!

NUV: Whatever.

Put two in the air…

–The Big Two

NEXT ISSUE: BLOOD, BULLETS AND EYE-PATCH BROADS!
PLUS: THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF ‘RIDDLE ME THIS’.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV CHANNEL…