Shut up and pour me a drink
Cocktail, starring the now defunct Tom Cruise as Brian Flanagan, came out way back in 1988. Due to Parental Bylaw Number 32.8 Section A: No R rated movies, it wasn’t until the early 90s before I got to see it. And it wasn’t until the mid-to-late 90s that flair bartending, the bottle flipping hi-jinks that Doug Coughlin introduced to Flanagan and the world, peaked in popularity.
There was hardly a club in North America that didn’t boast someone balancing plastic forty ounces of OJ on the top of their hand. And the flair phenomenon evolved into a serious competitive sport. Those at the top of their game gather in Las Vegas every year for the boozy spectacle that is The Legends of Bartending. The level of difficulty and precision employed by the barmen and women at this competition would have Flanagan filling out an application form at Boston Pizza.
As impressive as it is, all the juggling and winking that goes on at these competitions is reminiscent of a clown show. The whole thing is rather devoid of any real bar atmosphere. Worse, the young men who practice this style of service back home often seem to be of the exceedingly douchey variety. Stiff-haired, wrist-banded, dog-tag wearing 20-somethings spend their time flipping and catching while you wait for the star of the show to pour you a fucking vodka soda. And therein lies the problem – these guys forgot their reason for being there: to promptly get me a drink, make sure I’m comfortable and to make me, the customer, feel special.
Which brings me to what I really want to talk about. There is a relatively new trend in the bar world called mixology. The idea now is that a bartender should be a creative force in drink making, the way a good chef is with dinner. They should experiment with ingredients (booze and otherwise) and introduce patrons to new and interesting taste sensations. They should be able to mix a drink that will appropriately complement everything from a hotdog to lobster bisque. As well, a bartender should know their history, have command of the classic cocktail catalogue and be able to tell you all about Bordeaux’s and Meritage’s.
Up until recently I have accepted this trend as a positive one, especially in juxtaposition with the flair phenomenon. There is certainly nothing wrong with a bartender who makes a great whiskey sour and can recount the cocktail’s origin. Nor is there anything the matter with hitting the market before shift and picking up some chives and rose water to try in some new concoction. But the same way that the flair-bags ran away to join Cirque de Soleil, the mixologists are muddling themselves into oblivion.
And oblivious they are: oblivious to the pretty girl who just wants a margarita with goodol’barlime and a little company, oblivious to grandpa who just wants a Bud and to talk about the game, oblivious to the fact that a bartender is first and foremost a friendly face with a good story and access to the booze. I’ve watched these ass-wipes snub MGD-seeking city workers who have every right to cruise the hip joints on their nights off. I’ve heard them insult my bartender friends whose stools are ALWAYS warm and whose company I always enjoy. They say things like, “you should really brush up on your classic cocktails” and “you’re not a real bartender.” Actually, my mixologist friends, you’re the fakers.
To clarify, I’m not saying that all mixologists are of the aforementioned variety. There are a number of great bartenders I know who can make a mean old fashioned, and have a couple originals up their sleeve too. I am saying that I’ve noticed a disturbing trend within mixologist culture: the rejection of primary function and bartenders who would sooner correct your misconceptions about mojitos than make you what you want. Hey fuck-faces, stop mean mugging me and pour me a beer, this rose water and chive thing sucks ass.
– A. Vice
so … what really happens to the really real…bartenders? are they really bartenders?
well written piece, sir. I think what it all comes down to, is that people just need to accept that there are many different types of bartenders. It seems like a lot of “mixologists” turn their nose at any other type, while nightclub bartenders think anyone who hasn’t done crazy volume isn’t a true bartender, and restaurant bartenders get stuck somewhere in the middle. As a cook, it would be like me telling someone who works at a busy-ass Milestones (just an example) that they’re not a “real” cook. They are, it’s just different. People in general need to get off their high horses and just adapt to the situation that they’re in. Be happy and socialize whether you’re drinking a fresh can of Pacific Pilsner or a cocktail with elderberry extract, burnt orange syrup and essence of pink peppercorn.
the only place I disagree a bit is on the comment about the city workers wanting an MGD and whatnot. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is welcome to drink whatever they want, but customers also need to adapt based on the bar/restaurant that they’re entering. Not every bar/restaurant is going to carry Bud Light. The customers that are APPALLED by this are nearly as bad as the mixologists that run their mouths. If you’re someone who only drinks one type of beer ever, go to places that you know carry it. If you have a bit of an open mind, trust the bartender to suggest something that might be similar and who knows..maybe you’ll wind up with a new appreciation for craft beer. again, JUST ENJOY YOURSELF AND RELAX, PEOPLE. that’s why you’re at a bar.
otherwise, I agree 10x.