The Good, The Bad…And I Forget What Else Part The End

The Biggest Disappointments of 2009

When it came time to decide what was truly forgettable, I had difficulties. Without infinite time and resources, you have to make a judgement call and just avoid movies you’re sure you won’t enjoy. If I was getting paid to watch movies, then I’m sure I could justify going to see something, if only just for ammo. What follows is a shorter list than my previous two. These are the movies that duped me. I caved in and saw them, hoping to be at least amused, if not entertained. Each one did something to pull me out of the movie watching experience; in my opinion the number one deal breaker. I’m forgiving as long as I’m entertained. Here are the ones that failed to be memorable, or even entertaining.

2012 – Ok. It was a spectacle and it looked huge. I don’t think they thought a story was necessary though, because it was the definition of mindless. It was a long time sitting and watching John Cusack run away from… things? (Mountains, buildings, and other previously slow moving objects.)

Christmas Carol 3D – I have to admit, I love going to 3D movies now that the technology is actually impressive. Maybe I’ve seen this story done better too many times; maybe I’m sick of Jim Carrey (his voice for the ghost of Christmas Past, was probably the single worst thing I’ve seen/heard all year), but even the 3D was unnecessary at best. I kicked off the Christmas season with a warm mug of underwhelmed.

Fast & Furious – I keep coming back. I don’t know why. I keep hoping that it will be new or exciting. I keep getting let down. Oh, and I can’t stand Michelle Rodriguez. I guess it was better than the last couple, but that’s not saying much at all.

Law Abiding Citizen – Gorier and more ruthless than I expected, but you know you’re in a bind when the only character in a Hollywood blockbuster that you remotely enjoy is the “bad guy.” There is no hope for an ending that doesn’t make you mad/disappointed/just plain regretful that you saw it. Jamie Foxx can choose some good roles, but he’s in jeopardy of turning into Nic Cage if he keeps this up. He couldn’t have been worse.

Ninja Assassin – Ninjas. Assassins. Asian male pop star. You’re thinking, “This is going to be AWESOME!” Right? Not so. The action was what you expected, ninja-ey and assassin-ey, but I am always amazed at how bad CGI blood looks. Nothing pulls you out of a good action movie, like crappy CGI blood over a perfectly entertaining ninja star/sword/chain thing/super stealth fight.

Paranormal Activity – I guess this movie wasn’t exactly horrible. I felt duped nonetheless, though. I watched trailers that I thought were interesting – they showed the audience reacting, and the reactions successfully made the movie look scary. I love scary movies! This movie was so far from scary that it irritated me. There were two or three decent jumps, but they didn’t show up until it was too late, and then the movie was over.

Push – I saw this twice. The first time they called it Jumper. Oddly enough, it didn’t get better when redone one year later. Didn’t Heroes teach us that super powers aren’t enough? It still needs to be a good story with good acting. Watch all six episodes of Misfits instead.

Terminator Salvation – I’ll admit that given my age and gender, I will always have a soft spot for the Terminator movies. This one wasn’t even that bad, but there were enough things in it that pissed me off, so it makes it on the list. “What’s worse than CGI blood?” you might ask. CGI cameos. Also, Public Enemies reminded me that Christian Bale is still capable of speaking like a normal human once in a while, so why does he continue to use the Über-rasp that he took on for Batman? The quality of that movie and Heath Ledger made it forgivable in the Batman franchise, but throughout Terminator I wanted his teeth knocked in. For the record, humans can’t fall out of helicopters, endure explosions, and walk away unscathed once, let alone twice.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine – This may be my single least favorite movie of the year. I was so utterly disgusted, bored, annoyed, uninterested, and irritated with this movie, that I spent the next two weeks trying to forget it. It took longer than that, but I’ve finally succeeded. It was the reason that I didn’t even bother seeing Transformers 2 or G.I. Joe. It made me question all of the other impending Marvel movies (although I understand that Marvel’s control is less so with this franchise than others). I couldn’t find a single aspect of the movie that I enjoyed. And this was supposed to be about a Canadian superhero. I guess I can still hope and dream for an Alpha Flight movie, home of the acrobatic dwarf, Sasquatch and one of the first openly homosexual superheroes. There is no way it could be worse than Wolverine.

– Pig

[Ed. Note: Due to the generous onslaught of year end movies, Piggy has made some last minute additions to his "Must See List" here, and his Honorable Mentions list here.]