A.T. The Bartender Breaks Down The Year In Sports
MLB
Apparently steroids aren’t a career killer anymore, and you’ll still be a hero in big markets. I guess power in numbers still works… A-Rod divorces his wife, then dates her mom Madonna, then dates Madge’s other daughter Kate Hudson. Wait, that can’t be right, and who the hell is Goldie?… Even the guys getting victimized by him felt bad for Doc Halladay; at least now he might sniff the post season… I’d swear Ichiro was back in Japan if I didn’t see him near the top of the batting stats again. Best player you never get to see, Hey! Didn’t you used to be Vernon Wells?… Congrats Cy Young winners! Figured out where you’re gettin’ traded to?… Ok Yanks, you FINALLY bought your title. Now give baseball back…
NBA
Blake Griffin gets drafted 1st overall by the Clippers, then gets hurt in the pre-season and is out for a third of his 1st season. Dude, nobody wants to play for the Clips, but don’t make it THAT obvious… N.J. sets the record for consecutive losses to start the season. “I Got 99 problems, ownin’ the Nets is one, hit me!”… C’mon guys, leave Greg Oden alone. He’s only 12 in Sasquatch years… If I had a dollar for every time the Knicks were talked about, and LeBron’s name came up? Even I could have bought out Stephon Marbury. Seriously… Suns are the best in the league again, most fun, and Kid Canada is still gettin’ better (and everyone DOES believe Shaq stole that show idea from you). Seriously bro, just start wearin’ a cape…
NHL
Ovechkin or Crosby? Who cares? Stop arguing. That’s how holy wars are started… Leafs Nation starts an over/under for Dec. 1st for first regulation win of the season… Daniel goes down for 15 games and Henrik ends up near the league’s best in goals. Guess he remembered shooting’s an option too… Ducks suck. Red Wings can’t win at home. Cancer is cured. World peace ensues… Anyone find it creepy that Sean Avery hasn’t done anything stupid yet? Waaaiiit for iiit… Brodeur? Luongo? Fluery? Ward? Mason? Best tough choice EVER. Any of them could start for the other countries (sorry Kipper, you might not even start for yours). I hear we’ll be holding a tryout camp soon for Team Canada “B.” I’ll keep ya posted.
NFL
“Whoa, did you just see that?!” Of course you didn’t. It was Chris Johnson. He’s over there in your end zone… Can we PLEASE stop questioning The Golden Brett? Sidney Rice’s next contract thinks so… Hey Bob Sanders, from now on can you let us know if it’s the 1st or 2nd half of the season you’re gonna play?… The Bengals swept the division? Is that rain or is the sky falling?… Raiders beat Eagles, Bengals, and Steelers. Lose to Chiefs, Redskins, and an Oakland high school team. Quit f*ckin’ with my emotions… Darren Sharper or Charles Woodson WILL win defensive M.V.P. Fine wine baby, fine wine… Seriously Peyton, this is gettin’ repetitive… Saints were almost unbeatable this year, but because of their “D”! Has anyone seen my crazy pills?
THE REST
Grey Cup is over! Roughriders win! No wait! Some idiot was on the field instead of the sidelines! Kick is good! Alouettes Win! SOMEBODY didn’t show up for locker-cleanout day… He’s up for athlete of the decade, but I still can’t believe Tiger cheated on the girl he was cheating on his wife with… Only a comic book character like Usain Bolt would adopt a baby cheetah and name him “Lightning.” Maybe NOW he’ll actually have some competition… Economy is down but ticket prices and athlete salaries are up. World Juniors hockey anyone?…
See ya in ’10 jocks and jockettes.
Balls-out.
