Looking Back at Future Disappointments
We are living the future! (That sounds like a slogan for the railroad, circa 1903.) Except, ten years post the turn of the millennium, and all we have to show for it is this stinking iPhone. When I was a kid, I was sure that by the year 2000 – let alone 2010 – technology would be so advanced that hardly a neat-o gadget or contraption would elude me. I used to think, ‘Only our imaginations can stop us!’ (Slogan for air travel, circa 1957.) I remain disappointed. Thus, I give you my end of the year wrap-up I call, ‘Where the fuck is my…?’
Where the fuck is my… Virtual Sex Machine? When Star Trek: The Next Generation introduced the Holodeck to pimply preteen boys, we’d go on all night about reliving The Battle of Troy or experiencing the wonders of winged flight. But we were all thinking the same thing, “Man! I’d program mad bitches…”
Where the fuck is my… Brain Function Enhancing Micro Chip? For God’s sake, they gave one to Wil Wheaton, why can’t I get one? I don’t care if The Company would be after me, I could outwit them with my enhanced brain function.
Where the fuck is my… Light Saber? This is a point of major contention because it’s a well-known fact that the government has light sabers, but won’t release them for public use. Bastards.
Where the fuck is my… Hoverboard? Seriously, where the fuck is my hoverboard?
Where the fuck is my… Flying Car? Actually, there’s this guy in Massachusetts who has been working on one for the past twenty years. It works. The wings even fold up n’ shit just like in that show M.A.S.K.
Where the fuck is my… Robo-maid? The little vacuum thing doesn’t cut it. This chick should be able to bake cookies, darn my socks and give me a handsky.
Where the fuck is my… Dinosaur? Michael Crichton already told us how to do it, so let’s grow some goddamned dinosaurs! I can’t decide whether I want a triceratops or a pterodactyl. On the one hand, there is a great place to sit on a triceratops (on the neck just behind the armour plating) and you can steer using the horns. But riding a pterodactyl would be just like being a Nazgûl. I’d get one of those helmets and a pair of steel gloves made for sure.
There’s a lot more, but those are the items I feel we’ve really dropped the ball on. If you are interested and have any ideas, I’m creating a master list of the things that need to hurry up and be invented and/or released to the public immediately. I’m gonna send it to the government.
–A. Vice
You forgot the most glaring omission of radical technology in our “modern” society. Where the fuck is my treleporter? I want to get beamed somewhere really far away in seconds. Like my living room. Or China. Whatever, i want a teleporter. All scientists should get together on this one and get it done.