5 things I would change about the NFL by A.T. The Bartender
5. Freezing The Kicker
Somewhere along the line a few years ago some slimy coach (I’m guessin’ a certain cheatin’ New England boss) thought it would be genius to push the boundaries of sportsmanship and call a timeout literally the SECOND before the kicker made contact, hence messin’ with his timing and mojo, and then having to think about kicking it again. Of course it just happened to work, so the flood gates opened. With the NFL being a copycat league, naturally everyone had to try it. But guess what happened? The little buggers with two facemask bars figured it out. Now, knowing it’s coming, they just treat it as a practice kick. Like Ryan Longwell of the Vikings condescendingly said, “Go ahead, ice me. Just gives me a chance to try out the footing and give my linemen a rest.” Unfortunately it also gives us more time to watch commercials and extra shots of a kicker practicing his Vegas line-like routine.
4. Running Into The Kicker
Ok, we understand you’re tryin’ to get your team a 45-yard penalty or whatever it is now, but you’re really just fuckin’ up the already shaky credibility of kickers and punters as actual football players. You get pissed when you aren’t considered a real baller, but then react to a lovetap to the toeseys with a flailing-pirouette-into-double-salchow-to-the-turf with a post bitch-slap look on your face. Ray Guy (legendary tough guy punter for the Raiders back in the day) would be waitin’ outside your locker room to supply more than that for messin’ with his cred, then go for beers with the ones who still try to deliver a highlight-reel hit to a return-man. Those guys clearly knew the difference between gettin’ the game ball and sittin’ alone at the back of the team plane.
3. The Dress Code Rules
I understand that nobody wants to see the players lookin’ like they’re out on the sandlot, but an untucked jersey or a slouched sock doesn’t hurt my eyes enough to warrant a $10,000 fine. I’m pretty sure nobody even noticed when Chad Ochocinco wore a black chinstrap instead of a white one, or a pink mouthguard instead of black (during breast cancer awareness month), but I’m pretty sure he noticed the $20,000 bill he got from the league. I think what bugs me most is the fact that the maniac in charge of policing this madness is none other than Jack “The Assassin” Tatum, the hardest hitting, most feared D-back from the Superbowl-era Raiders. He even paralyzed one poor bastard! I don’t know what happened Jack, but we liked you better on the dark side.
2. The Brady Rule
I know what you’re thinking. It’s that rule that if you give the ref a dirty enough stare-down after a defender breathes on you, they’ll flag the other team, but only that pretty punk Brady can regularly pull that maneuver. Quarterbacks have been gettin’ smashed and knocked out for the season for over 100 years, but you inadvertently take out the Golden Boy? Miss GQ? The best QB in history besides 15 other guys? Well shit, we’re changin’ the damn rulebook! You don’t wanna get hit on your follow-through? Don’t arrogantly step into a throw THAT close to people tryin’ to kill you! So now, because of Captain Cupcake and his five girlfriends on the O-line who couldn’t protect him, we’re now playin’ 2-hand touch. Not only are defenders pissed, but I even heard they thawed out Sammy Baugh and Johnny U., who are gonna jump in a tractor, scoop up the REAL Golden Boy, #4 in Minnesota, and come mow down Giselle’s powder room. They know you’re in there. Alone. No refs.
1. No “Excessive” Celebrations
The No Fun League is gettin’ a little carried away with this old-boys club thing, actin’ like crotchety old bastards that can’t dance, never could, or would break a hip tryin.’ I feel ya on cell phones and fake Hall of Fame jackets, but c’mon, 15 yards just for using the ball as a prop? (Oh yeah-where were ya on the Holmes T.D. in the Superbowl?) We may never see T.O. do anything interesting again outside the end zone, and EVERYONE enjoys the little shenanigans. Free T.O., Ocho, Smitty, and all these boys that are tryin’ to just have fun. Remember they ARE entertainers that make you ass-loads off revenue. North of the border has figured it out, lettin’ the players do anything to show the masses they’re havin’ a good time, from mock bobsledding, jumpin’ in hot tubs, to an impromptu fishing trip in an on-display boat. Never thought I’d say it, but the NFL could learn something from the CFL. Damn that sounds weird.
