Ian: Here’s a little something most people don’t know about Ian Explosivo ESQ: Sometimes I dress up in my most whimsical proletariat outfit and wander out, cash in hand, to mingle with the unwashed masses at the movie theatre. Films featuring “Super Powered Heroes” are one of my favourite genres, and therefore my time spent amongst the mouth-breathers of Vancouver is most agreeable. Here are my most cherished picks…
5. Daredevil: Director’s Cut (2003) – I’m just glad it got made, regardless of how it turned out. (Hint: Pretty crappy.) Jon Favreau as Foggy Nelson is pretty much the high-point, Colin Farrell makes a good Bullseye and Michael Clarke Duncan was fun (if slightly over the top) as Kingpin. Sure, it’s ultimately a Shitpiece, but it’s still one of my favourites.
4. Sin City (2005) – Would’ve been perfect if not for the Jessica Alba miscast. I really, really liked the way this was put together in stark black and white with little splashes of colour, just like the graphic novels. Hopefully they’ll make a second one like they’ve been threatening – and actually feature a decent nekkid Nancy Callaghan.
3. X-Men (2000) – Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen are just too fun as Professor Xavier and Magneto. Bryan Singer really captured the spirit (if not the exact details) of what the X-Men are all about. So this movie is a great big win for me, with the exception of Scott Summers/Cyclops. That character should have been killed off back in the 60s immediately after Stan and Jack created his crybaby ass. SHO! NUFF!
2. The Incredible Hulk (2008) – The Ed Norton version, of course. Bana’s Banner was a fucking disaster. Sure, the new one is missing Jennifer Connelly, but so is every movie that doesn’t have Jennifer Connelly. This version has a better story, better actors, and all-round better look than the first one, so that’s that!
1. Hellboy: The Golden Army (2008) – I like everything about this movie and I seriously think it may be the best comic book movie ever made. Everything from the original story to the costumes to the settings are incredible, but who would expect anything less from director Guillermo del Toro? I especially like the way the story makes you root for the bad guy too…
Let’s see what’s on Nuv’s list. (Spoiler: Dick Tracy, Judge Dredd, Barb Wire, Ghost Rider and the Richard Pryor Superman. Zzzzzz….)
Nuv: Sin City would be on my best list too, Ian. Except for the fact that I can read. And now for my 5 best superhero movies…
5. X2 (2003) – With all the set-up out of the way, director Bryan Singer teleports us right into the thick of it. Action-packed and full of heart. Wolverine’s kitchen scene alone is worth the price of admission. And I hate kitchens!
4. Iron Man (2008) – Robert Downey Jr. brings his baggage to a suit of armour that, if you know where the sequels are leading, was made for him. Even still, he nearly has the spotlight stolen by Jeff Bridges’ beard.
3. Watchmen (2009) – This would be on the list for the opening credits alone. Add in a mature and complex Alan Moore story, and the visceral portrayal of the most bad-ass, psycho anti-hero out there, and it’s a done deal. Plus, for the ladies: mad blue wang!
2. Superman/Superman II (1978/1980) – Much like The Godfather I and II, I consider these one epic. (Also like The Godfather, the flawed third one has it’s moments.) Filmed at the same time, and setting up elements for the sequel in the first, this is the one that started it all. Much like myself, Supes uses magic kisses to trick them hoes.
1. The Dark Knight (2008) – Christopher Nolan brings a Michael Mann aesthetic to the super-hero film. An intense hero, the Oscar-winning performance of the best villain in comics, a decent man’s descent into evil, three commanding father figures in Gary Oldman, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman, and the all-time coolest use of a pencil.
Oh, and Hellboy sucks the pee pipe. Back to you, Ian.
Ian: Thanks, Nuvina. Now for some movies that can double-suck it.
5. Daredevil (2003) – I have no delusions that this is a good movie. Although the director’s cut is a lot better that the bullshit theatrical release. That horrifying love scene…fuuuuck…
4. Fantastic Four (2005) – I never liked the FF anyway. And, again, Jessica Alba doesn’t belong here. She doesn’t belong anywhere! Eat shit Jessica Alba!
3. Wolverine (2009) – The only thing good about this movie was Gambit. Everything else was awful.
2. Batman & Robin (1997) – Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger humiliates himself in what was the crown jewel of awful superhero movies until…
1. Catwoman (2004) – Anyone who saw this movie knows why it made the list. This is the worst movie ever made. ‘Nuff said.
In conclusion – when it comes to producing superhero movies, Hollywood is like a fat kid at a chocolate buffet right now, so hold on to your dungarees for a pile of clunkers and a couple of good ones. Speaking of clunkers, here’s more hoo-haw from Nuv…
Nuv: If I had 5 tumours to hand out, they would be awarded to the dickskins responsible for these immortal turds…
5. The Spirit (2008) – I may have enjoyed this if I was drugged, beaten, held captive in an Eastern European torture facility for a year, moved back to find all of my loved ones had moved on and were happier without me, and was forced to watch the other four movies on this list while someone removes my penis, replacing it with a machine set to slap me in the face every three minutes.
4. Wolverine (2009) – There are worse movies, but I haven’t seen Elektra or Catwoman, and I couldn’t choose between all of the Punishers. On a personal level, this is one of the most disappointing movie experiences I’ve ever had, made even more frustrating by the great casting and strong performances. Poor Logan finally came up against something his healing factor couldn’t reverse: dull direction and a snore-inducing script.
3. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) – When somebody can take an Alan Moore concept and make it this retarded, I have to respect their sheer disrespect. Bravo, Stephen Norrington. You should’ve stuck to Blade. Dick.
2. Superman IV (1987) – Superman’s enemies in this are Lex (again), a super-villain played by a former Chippendale (for realsies) and Duckie from Pretty In Pink (???).
1. Batman & Robin (1997) – Hey. Joel Schumacher. You know you a asshole for this one, right?
Hey, Ian. We actually agreed on some shit this week. I think we’ve all learned some valuable lessons here: Schumacher hatred can bring mankind together, hate prevails over love, and you want to be me. Knowing’s half the battle, bitches!
Put two in the air…
– The Big Two
NEXT ISSUE: A BOY AND HIS DOG. MICHAEL VICK NEED NOT APPLY.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…
