A.T. the Bartender Recaps The Conference Championships
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
New York Jets @ Indianapolis Colts
Final Score: Colts 30-17 (Balls Call: Colts 27-13)
Damn, you sports pundits are so hurtin’ for good ol’ fashioned straight talk that you’ll believe ANYTHING outrageous if it’s said with a straight face. I mean c’mon, the Colts, and the Saints or Vikings, better watch out for the big bad Jets, just because Rex Ryan, a guy who looks like he could eat you, says he’d be “shocked” if his team lost to the Colts and says he thinks they’ll win the Super Bowl? Man, you guys are as easy as an AFC playoff berth. When’s the last time you heard a coach say “I’d be surprised if we win, and amazed if we won the Superbowl?”
Well, guess what flip-floppers, pie in your BLIND eye. Instead of being a General Patton incarnate, Ryan reminds me of that dumb, arrogant, class bully on the field trip to the zoo. You know the one. Ugly mug up against the sleeping lion’s cage, pokin’ him with a stick because he’s sleeping, screaming, “do something stupid lion.” Well we all know what happens to that little bastard. He suddenly gets yanked into the cage, while the ones who warned him shake their heads muttering, “I told you so.”
Just like the awaiting lion, appearing vulnerable, the seemingly “underdog” Colts had the Jets right where they wanted them at the beginning of the 2nd half. Down by eight. Anyone who thinks Indy’s in trouble when they’re down by any score under three touchdowns CLEARLY hasn’t watched any of their games this year. So you got pulled into the cage Rex, no worries. On the next field trip, try to keep the torment to the pot-bellied pigs, or some other animal you can relate with, and steer clear of the bigger ones that will attack when poked.
MVB’S (Most Valuable Balls): Pierre Garcon (WR, Indianapolis Colts) & Austin Collie (WR, Indianapolis Colts)
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
Minnesota Vikings @ New Orleans Saints
Final Score: Saints 27-24 (Balls Call: Vikings 33-27)
We wanted a legendary game sooo bad, it almost seemed like the teams had an agreement with each other to make sure it stayed close. The questionable play-calling by the Saints and good secondary play by the Vikings held the aerial attack at bay, while the apparent ice-covered ball kept Minni from capitalizing on great chances and field position. You could almost hear the keyboards of sport-genre screenwriters clicking until the “Golden Brett” story took an ugly, but familiar turn.
Knocked to the turf, assaulted, and smashed what seemed like a record amount of times, with his wife looking on in agony too, he didn’t even take a play off. At one point the training staff even taped his leg back on so he could limp out for another shot, even trying to throw a block before getting thumped again. That’s when it became pretty clear that Brett Favre IS indeed Wolverine. Most want to highlight his misguided cross-body pick at the end of regulation, saying he should have run instead, but let’s not look a gift horse in the mouth, people. I still can’t believe the poor bastard limped out of the pocket THAT far. Plus, he wouldn’t have felt the need to make something happen if his supporting cast hadn’t put the pigskin on the carpet six times, losing it three of them. If not for those lost fumblerooskies, the game wouldn’t have been tied. Instead they’d be running down the clock to zero in front of a semi-silent crowd, with Brett the gladiator, ball in one hand and helmet in other screaming, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!!!” Instead, Brett just watched helplessly from the bench as the Saints won the proverbial dagger known as the coin toss, got a 40-yard kick return, ran a couple plays, advanced on a penalty, then kicked a field goal by a rookie to advance to the Super Bowl. Not the way a god should go out.
All that said, even though I personally think the Vikings lost more than the Saints won, the team, fans and city deserve this, and I don’t need to explain why. The best shots of the night were during the game on Bourbon Street, looking like a western ghost town, then after the game looking like the third day of Mardi Gras. Regardless of the outcome, we got what we begged for, even if it was the swan-song for a legend and a hero. Brett my man, go sit down, crack a cold one and stop sweatin’ it. We WERE entertained.
MVB’S: Brett Favre (QB, Vikings), Adrian Peterson (RB, Vikings) & Drew Brees (QB, Saints)
