Let me start with a warning: I’m not really a football fan. I enjoy playing football with my friends, and if it’s on and everyone is watching it, I enjoy watching a football game on TV. Live, however, it’s almost unrivalled. I’ve never seen a world-class soccer game, so an NFL stadium is the largest gathering of spectators I’ve ever seen. If you have even a passing interest in football, I strongly suggest seeing a live game. To have that many people gathered under one roof, passionately cheering, is humbling to say the least. I have, however, seen my fair share of football movies. Again, here is another warning: I like football movies, but I find them to be almost all the same. Take a three hour game, cut it down to the most exciting, manufactured highlights of hits, runs, throws, and catches; then throw in a bare bones drama that follows the standard formula and you have an average football movie. I’m only really going to address football movies released in my lifetime, as the classics were ones that I watched at too young of an age to remember with any clarity. So without any further ado…
The Last Boy Scout (1991) – Ok, so this probably isn’t really a football movie, but I loved Bruce Willis and Damon Wayans enough in my teens to have watched this one over and over. This one was a straight up buddy-action movie, that just happened to have a main character that is an ex-quarterback. If you like the idea of ‘Die Hard‘ with some ‘In Living Color‘ (before the world was sick and tired of the Wayans brothers boring us to death with spoofs), then it doesn’t get much better than this. Also, a good early sighting of Halle Berry when she was just attractive and not annoying.
Necessary Roughness (1991) – This was one of the first football movies I ever saw. I don’t even think it’s really worth mentioning other than that. To be honest, I was young and I only saw it because until that point, Kathy Ireland had only graced the pages of Sport Illustrated’s Swimsuit issues and I wanted to see more. In retrospect, I wish I had seen less.
Rudy (1993) – Years before Sean Astin disgusted me with his whiny performance in the ‘Lord of The Rings,’ he was the star of ‘The Goonies,’ and I would have watched anything he was in. Throw in Charles S. Dutton from ‘Roc‘ as well as an early performance by Jon Favreau, and you have one of the more surprisingly watchable football movies of recent decades. Since it was set in college, this movie actually used real teams (a rarity in football movies), which helped the realism in a football movie that wasn’t really about football. The definition of formulaic “inspirational” films, this is a good starting block, as the non-football parts are some of the most engaging to come out of a sports movie.
The Program (1993) – There’s no such thing as bad press. Never before has that been more true than with ‘The Program.’ I didn’t really know or care much about it, until it was all over the news. Apparently some idiots were duplicating a scene in the movie where the main characters lie down on the yellow line in traffic. That’s just too stupid to be blamed on a movie. I think mental illness or inbreeding was more at fault for that one. Regardless, it made the news, the scene was removed, and everyone I knew wanted to see it. Surprisingly entertaining, it had no weight as soon as a scene took place off the field. College angst, a generic love story, athletes doing steroids. It’s nothing new, but at least the football scenes are fun and full of hard hits.
The Waterboy (1998) – “No mama, the search continues.” This may not have been one of the fan favourites as far as Sandler movies go, but I loved it. It was so far in left field, and a bit darker than his previous ones (maybe that was just ’cause Fairuza Balk never struck me as a love interest). It may be a bit too similar to ‘Happy Gilmore‘ for you, but I laughed repeatedly in that special way that you can only do when you’re not using your brain at all.
Any Given Sunday (1999) – Damn you NFL and your refusal to let movies use real teams. Somehow, Oliver Stone’s punch seems a little pulled when the star team is the “Miami Sharks.” Probably the most vicious, cringing hits in any football movie, this is one of my favourites for on-field action. In true Stone form, it has more than its share of drama, mostly centered around young athletes with too much money and ego, and the sage old coach having difficulties with the young bitchy owner. Throw in a quarterback past his prime, dealing with a new hotshot, and you’ve covered almost every stereotype possible for a sports movie. What makes it work and makes it special is the casting. Jamie Foxx was given a starring role that helped put him on the map and get him out from under the ‘In Living Color’ blanket. Al Pacino chews through every scene like it’s beef jerky and then spits it out in one of the more epic speeches ever (surprisingly, Pacino manages to find plenty of opportunity to yell in this one). Eleven years later, I still think Cameron Diaz is a bitch, and it’s probably due to the fact that she played her horrible character so well.
Varsity Blues (1999) – By this point, I had started to figure out the pattern. This one read the playbook, dotted all of the “i’s” and crossed all of the “t’s” and I have successfully forgotten most of it, due to this lack of originality. As a high-school football movie, it was overshadowed by a far better version five years later. ( See ‘FNL’ below.)
Remember The Titans (2000) – A true story more about race than football, I shouldn’t have been surprised that Disney could nail “inspirational.” It’s hard not to believe everything that comes out of Denzel Washington’s mouth, and with the addition of some really talented young actors, this movie was great both on the field and off.
The Replacements (2000) – Football + boring romance + generic everything + Keanu Reeves = the question: “Why did I even watch this?” I don’t know. For your own sake, don’t repeat my mistakes.
Friday Night Lights (2004) – Serving as the springboard for an adored television series (sadly a star from the movie and a star from the TV show let me down with the atrocious ‘Legion‘), this movie made me realize that I don’t dislike new country artists, I just dislike new country music. Dwight Yoakam had already started this realization earlier, with his excellent turns in ‘Sling Blade‘ and ‘Panic Room,’ but I was not expecting Tim McGraw to deliver such a great performance. As with Titans, this movie hinged largely on the young actors, and they couldn’t have been better. Every single side story felt developed and full, but the main focus on the pressures that the young athletes were facing was handled beautifully. The attention to detail painted a vivid picture of the town it was set in, despite it being so bleak. Football or not, this is simply a great movie.
The Longest Yard (2005) – I don’t remember the original very well, but even the short bits that I do are better than the garbage that was this remake. Avoid it. Plain and simple. No amount of gritty football hits are worth sitting through for this one. Admittedly, my distaste for this is largely due to my distaste for Chris Rock and Nelly. On the other hand, if you’re a film lover and you don’t share this distaste for the aforementioned idiots, then you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.
The Blind Side (2009) – I’ve heard this is good. I’ve heard that Sandra Bullock is great. I’ll take their word for it. I’m tired of the formula. More importantly, I’m sick of Sandra Bullock. Hell, I’ve been sick of her since ‘Speed’ and I’m not about to forget 16 years of trash.
– Pig
