Halftime

Super Bowl Halftime Show Highlights (And Some Low Ones)

XXV (1991) – New Kids On The Block

When you think of the demographic the NFL would be targeting, is the first thing that pops into your head pre-pubescent girls? Me either. So whoever booked this particular halftime show a) is an astute, ambitious young marketing genius on the rise; b) is a 12 year old named Stephie with daydreams of Joey (New Kids) battling Joey (Blossom) to be her dryhump date; c) a fucking buffoon. While we’re on the subject, why are there so many feminine hygiene product commercials during football? Nobody watching has a vagina. Oh. Except for Dallas Cowboys fans. My bad.

Giants 20, Bills 19

XXVII (1993) – Michael Jackson

Ok. This is where the halftime show as we know it actually began. I guess if you think all of the accusations were legit, it could be considered in poor taste that Michael finished the performance with a 3,500 child choir. If you’re of the camp that believes in innocent (albeit, real fuckin’ weird) until proven guilty, this was an epic performance by an epic artist. Either way, ratings reflected both parties (and everyone else on the planet) tuned in. Apparently the network monitored how many crotch-grabs were executed by the King of Pop. Eleven years later the record would show they were worrying about the wrong Jackson…
Dallas 52, Bills 17 (aka shut up, Keith Brooking)

XXXVIII (2004) – Nipplegate

This show was infamous not for it’s star-studded cast (Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson, Jessica Simpson, Nelly, P. Diddy, Kid Rock) but for the star-studded breast of one of the aforementioned. When Timberlake went to tear open Janet’s top, weird thing – it tore open. Somehow, Justin came out of this unscathed, while the first thing people will think of forever when they think of Janet Jackson will be her milkbag with some weird-ass gaudy sun jewellery surrounding the spout. Probably a shitty birthday present from her height-challenged husband. That sun-ring thing, by the way, re-iterates what was proven years ago with Da Brat and Kris Kross: Jermaine Dupri has no taste. And isn’t allowed on certain rides at the fair by himself.
Patriots 32, Panthers 29

XXXIX (2005) – Paul McCartney

1/4 of The Beatles is better than 0/4 of The Beatles. Or 4/4 of most other bands.

Patriots 24, Eagles 21

XL (2006) – The Rolling Stones

This one was responsible for the coolest stage used in a halftime show. Based on the infamous tongue-out logo of the most animated cadavers you’ll see this side of ‘Zombieland.’ I could’ve done without the new song though. Let’s be honest – nobody gives a shit. We just want to see Mick chicken-walk, chuckle at the homage to ‘Weekend at Bernie’s‘ that is Keith Richards and hear the old (read: good) material. For me The Stones’ catalogue ends with Start Me Up in 1981. That number, coincidentally, is also the average lifespan of a member of The Rolling Stones. As far as the game itself, Seahawks QB Hasselbeck reminds me of Richard Head, HMV employee of the month for a record (ha) 51 weeks straight. All he knew was retail, moping and being a ’safe’ shoulder to cry on for chicks. The final score, for both Dick (zero) and Hasselbeck, did not surprise me.

Steelers 21, Seahawks 10

XLI (2007) – Prince

People who tell me I never smile did not watch this game with me. My team won and my favorite artist performed a halftime show that reminded the world why Prince is the spiritual successor to Jimi Hendrix. When the rain and purple lights came together during Purple Rain, well, you can’t script magic like that.

Colts 29, Bears 17

XLII (2008) – Tom Petty

This was a solid show that had the misfortune of having to follow what was widely regarded (and not just by me, either) as the best halftime show of all time. One of the more exciting games though. The younger Manning brother led the underdog New York Giants to victory over the, until this game, undefeated juggernaut New England Patriots. Tip: if you ever want to flip (R2AK’s own) A.T. The Bartender’s cuss-and-throw-shit switch, just type P-A-T-R-I-O-T-S. Or M-O-S-S. Or suggest he bathe.

Giants 17, Patriots 14

XLIII (2009) – Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band

The only thing I remember about this one was Bruce sliding crotch-first directly at a camera and smashing into it with his Li’l Boss. It was awkward and weird. (Bruce: “That’s what she said!”) …Overall: meh. Expected more. (Bruce: “That’s what she said!”)…What the…(Bruce: “That’s what she…”) Enough! You may need to loosen your headband rather than your grip on reality. Next time, Bruce, let Silvio do the talking. Capicé?

Steelers 27, Cardinals 23

XLIV (2010) – The Who

For those of you who lack the ability to grow pubic hair and only know The Who from ‘CSI’ opening credits: Get the fuck out of here! One of the all-time great, classic bands, they deserve to be mentioned alongside The Stones, The Beatles, Zeppelin, The Doors, Pink Floyd, etc. (If not in the same breath then the very next one!) Having released the setlist of songs they plan to play, I can’t see this being anything short of epic. Consulting Biff Tannen’s stolen future Sports Almanac I foresee:

Colts 38, Saints 35

On a sidenote, this Sunday will be the fourth Super Bowl appearance by the Colts, all of them in Miami, two of them before I was born. I originally wanted to break down those four halftime shows in this article, but could not get ahold of footage of the two early ones. Still, they should be briefly mentioned.

III (1969) – Florida A&M University Band

They performed America Thanks. Namath took the Colt’s signature horseshoe, stuck it in through the out door and, lo and behold…

Jets 16, Colts 7

V (1971) – Florida A&M University Band

As you can see, back then the halftime show producers were always coming up with bold new ideas. Time to ‘fess up. I only really included this, and the one above, so I could type the next sentence.

Colts 16, Cowboys 13

As the two things in football that bring me the greatest joy are, in no particular order, the Colts winning and the Cowboys losing, this seems like the happiest ending to this article possible.

As you were,

– Nuv