Riddle Me This! is a series of rapid-fire questions, cunningly designed to slowly peel back the stinky onion-layers of that nincompoop Ian, while simultaneously revealing shiny new facets of Nuv. It will be as regularly-scheduled as a Kevin Smith comic (aka whenever the hell we want, and you’ll still like it.)
1. There are certain things that are sacred in comics. Is there anything universally revered that you secretly can’t stand?
Ian: I secretly don’t like Stan Lee. I know he’s a great creator and all, but have you ever tried to read one of his original comics?The writing is AWFUL! Plus he royally screwed over Jack Kirby. But mainly Stan the Man just bugs me because he’s become a ridiculous parody of himself, and not in a fun way like William Shatner. Oh, and at this year’s Emerald City Comic Con you have to pay $40 USD for an autograph. ‘Nuff said.
Nuv: Everything you’ve said is the truth. Personality goes a long way though. The best con men convince you that they are harmless or make you like them enough that you forgive them when you do get wise to them. And that is why people still smile when they see Stan ‘The Man’ Lee show up in Marvel movies and ham it up. They see a pleasantly senile old codger where you see a shrewd, thunder-stealing old coot.
Ian: That explains how, despite your involvement, we have any readers at all.
Nuv: Touché, douchebag.
2. Who would you say can do no wrong right now?
Ian: Skottie Young. From the Wonderful Wizard of Oz to all of his cover work, Young is consistently getting the job done, unlike that d-wad Nuv.
Nuv: Skottie Young is amazing. His work reminds me of Bill Watterson of Calvin and Hobbes fame, but with a mean streak. On acid. Listening to gangster rap. He should do a children’s book with Dr. Doom and Eazy E. This would also be advantageous for Ian, as it would be at his reading level.
As far as someone who I think can do no wrong, I’ve never read anything I disliked written by Geoff Johns. His recent promotion to Chief Creative Officer of DC Comics is fantastic news. There isn’t a better candidate to oversee their stable of characters in print and shepherd them into other media, like film and video games.
3. If you could go back in time and give your five-year-old self the world’s greatest geek-culture costume for Halloween, what would it be?
Ian: Padawan Jedi with lightsaber. Hands down.
Nuv: Ian Explosivo with unimaginative-choice-beam. No question.
4. What’s the lamest, most fan-boyish thing you’ve done lately?
Ian: The other day I thought to myself “I should have picked up those collectible lantern rings.” What the crap?! I don’t know anything about the lanterns, or their rings, and I had no interest whatsoever in Blackest Night. I just like having sets of things I guess!
Nuv: Funny you should mention those rings. I have the set. I was actually going to give them to my nephews, but as their interest in comics was usurped by their interest in girls, I decided to keep them until they grow back into being childish like their uncle. Most of the comics you had to buy to get the rings were already on my pull list, so I didn’t have to go very far out of my way to get them. Ian’s pull list involves tweezers, a jeweler’s microscope and an issue of Playgirl featuring all non-Ricky Martin members (heh) of Menudo.
Hey, didn’t you also go buy yourself the glasses Affleck wore in that shitheap ‘Daredevil‘ for like $900 or some s#!%?
Ian: Hey, why don’t you put on all of your pretty, sparkly little rings and go f@¢& yourself? Grown folks is talkin’…
5. Who would you say is wasting their talent the most right now?
Ian: I was originally going to say Nuv, but he has no talent. Then I thought of Todd McFarlane, but with his recent promotion to co-publisher at DC, I have to go with Jim Lee. I wouldn’t trust that guy to draw a straight line with a pencil, ruler and a deadline of three days. And now he’s co-publisher at Detective Comics Comics? Ridiculous!
Nuv: Man! I’m assuming you just look at the pictures, so you may have missed that in the actual text portions of the articles detailing Jim Lee’s move to co-publisher he states that part of his new job description involves getting back to drawing more comics. In fact, being anything less than ecstatic about the executive team DC assembled is absolutely retarded. I guess I should expect no less from an Absolute Retard™…
Anyways, I think the biggest waste of talent in comics is… Jim Lee. Look, I just wanted to diss my cohort and point out that the DC deal is good news. That said, arguably the best pure superhero artist not having a monthly comic book on the stands is even stupider than that dink Ian.
6. What is your dream ‘powerhouse’ creative team (writer/artist)?
Ian: I’d like to see Brian Wood and Davide Gianfelice take a kick at Daredevil. They did such a great job on the first eight issues of Northlanders. But only if Wood is really excited about the project. When he’s not, it’s really obvious with the dragging story, lack of direction, and whole issues where nothing significant happens (see the last half of DMZ). Also, very similar to Nuv’s portions of this column.
Nuv: This entire article has been foreshadowing my answer to this question: Geoff Johns and Jim Lee on JLA. The best creative team in comics and the best superheroes in comics, all under one roof, monthly. C’mon, son. You can’t beat that with a bat.
Ian: I wish I could beat you with a bat.
Nuv: You and me both pal. That may be the only way I can escape having to see your dumb face again.
Put two in the air…
– The Big Two
NEXT ISSUE: THE BIG TWO BEAR WITNESS TO GEOFF JOHNS COATING TWO OF DC’S BIGGEST IN A FRESH COAT OF SILVER.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…
Rings!
Wear those in the Westend like that and make some new friends!