Paper Tiger

I made it through about a minute and thirty seconds of the Tiger Woods apology before I had to hit the space bar. It should be of no surprise to anybody that it struck me as dishonest and political (assuming these are not synonymous). But what was most infuriating was how unnecessary it seemed. Why did Tiger require the press in order to apologize to the people in the room, to his children, to his business partners and to the people who work for him? And did he really let down his fans? I didn’t even know his wife’s name before this story broke – she was just the hot blonde chick Tiger married. And why should I have? Apparently, I am one of the few people who were fans of the way Tiger played golf.  And for the rest of you, your purchase of the Nike One Ball was predicated on Tiger’s commitment to his family.

After a few mediocre biopics starring different Hollywood fat men, and the obligatory A&E special, Babe Ruth is only now notorious for drinking and womanizing. In the 1920s, journalists overlooked his indiscretions in favour of preserving the image of the country’s most beloved sport’s figure. Nonetheless, the Babe eventually had to answer to those people whom his behavior had affected. And he didn’t require the magic of television (or radio and newspaper) to do it. Perhaps it’s fair that the parents of golf playing, tiger-idolizing children might be concerned about their child’s exposure to all the extramarital drama. But is this really Tiger’s responsibility? Given the choice, Tiger would have kept things quiet and paid for his mistakes in private. It was the media, with the help of some attention-seeking women, who created the sensation. And the only good it did anyone was giving smarmy daytime anchors and gossip junkies something juicy to talk about. For everyone else – sponsors, his staff, the PGA, actual sports fans – it did nothing but take the best player to ever play the game away from golf for a while.

After the press conference, Pepsi Co. announced that it no longer sees a role for Tiger in the marketing of its leading sports drink, Gatorade. Gillette and AT&T made similar statements earlier this year. These companies first aligned themselves with Tiger because they believed he would make them money. For that same reason, they are now trying to distance themselves from him. Pepsi Co. does not feel morally obliged to renounce Tiger’s behavior, but rather, it feels financially compelled to disassociate itself and its products from a scandal. Those people who don’t understand this difference are the same people who genuinely feel like Tiger betrayed his fans, and the same people who take his asking for forgiveness at face value.

As a side note, if I worked in the marketing department at Gatorade, I would be begging the higher ups at Pepsi Co. for a chance to run a backdoor campaign. I’d post what would look like homemade YouTube-style spoof ads, drawing a connection between Tiger’s drinking Gatorade and the long list of women he has (apparently) satisfied. They would be chock-full of tasteless innuendo and obvious taglines. Picture this: A Tiger lookalike exits from a hotel room, clearly exhausted, still doing up the buttons on his shirt. His cell phone rings and the call display reads, “#18.” He sighs deeply and answers, “Hello… ah… sure baby, I’ll meet you in the lobby.” He gets in the elevator and as the doors shut he pulls out a big purple Gatorade – he opens it and begins chugging. The elevator doors in the lobby open to reveal Tiger finishing the last drops in the bottle. He smiles a refreshed smile and struts out towards the attractive woman by the bar. She takes his arm and he takes her back into the elevator. As the doors begin to close again, Tiger, still smiling, winks at the camera. The Gatorade logo appears on the screen and a voice says, “Gatorade, gets you through to the eighteenth hole.”

– A. Vice