Since Mr. Seldon has a hate-on for the annual Hollywood circle jerk and popularity contest that is the Academy Awards, and since I watch them religiously every year, I thought I’d give a kick at the Oscar column can. I’m preeeetty sure nobody else has ever done this before, so, remember where you were when you read this.
Pre-Show: Red carpet coverage, unless done by Stephen Colbert or a puppy dog, will always be stupid awkward to watch. Larry David has nuthin‘ on Kathy Ireland. We had to mute it to stop cringing forever. Clooney running along a chain link fence touching his fans? Class Cloon! All the way! Jay thinks Penelope Cruz has a learning disability due to her still terrible English. SJP will get fashion-murdered for it, but I love her dress. I believe the exact colour is C0 M0 Y30 K0. (Holla, the last remaining Photoshop knowledge I have!) I want Meryl Streep to be my fairy godmother. And right now, Helen Mirren looks better than I ever have. Eff.
Steve Martin + Alec Baldwin = TOTAL FUCKING COMPLETE WIN.
Best Supporting Actor: My Wish/Who Will Win: Christoph Waltz
An equally campy & chilling performance that anchored ‘Inglorious Basterds.’
YES! Oh, your bizarre speech is going to get played offfffffffffff……but no! Beautifully done Mr. Waltz.
Intro of the Best Picture Movies, up first: ‘The Blind Side.’
It had it’s moments but the cliche hokey majority ruined it for me. Maybe if Ryan Reynolds had intro’d it topless. And was Ryan Gosling.
Trailer: ‘Robin Hood.’ I don’t even love Russell Crowe. But man, I love him slowly old fashioned-ly hurting people set to UK techno. Add in a final slo-mo shot of an arrow being shot. Uggh – you got me! (I am a loser.)
Animated Feature Film: My Wish/Who Will Win: ‘Up’
I’d be equally stoked if ‘Coraline’ or ‘Fantastic Mr. Fox’ won.
Hooray ‘Up!’ The director guy is laaaaaanky. And oh, ‘Up!’ I love thee till the end of time.
Best Song: I hate Randy Newman. What a shitty category. No ‘Wild Thing’s’ Karen O. No ‘Mr. Fox’s’ Jarvic Cocker. The only song that should have been in there, The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart) … WINS! T-Bone Burnett = the new Jack Nicholson.
‘District 9′: Loved this. Feels like I saw it 100 years ago, but I was so fully engaged in it and the story-telling and the dorky lead guy; it’s lovely it’s getting recognized as a candidate.
I want Robert Downey Jr. & Tina Fey to be the voices in my head forever. Perfection.
John Hughes retrospective. Handled and handled well. Except WTF has happened to Judd Nelson?
‘Up’: I cried within four seconds of the clips. Eff.
Best Animated Short: I didn’t see a single one of them but they all looked genuinely fantastic. The winner, ‘Logorama‘ looks super rad.
Best Short Documentary: Hello hijacking-speech-woman. I want to kill you.
Ben Stiller is a treasure.
‘A Serious Man’: Some Coen brothers films are huge; some invisible. So weird.
Rachel McAdams’ dress looks like James Jean painted it. That equals amazing.
Best Adapted Screenplay: Men speaking in soft voices crying scare me. And then Steve Martin saves everything.
Lauren Bacall is a ‘broad’ in every excellent sense of the word.
Best Supporting Actress: My Wish/Who Will Win: Mo’Nique
She was terrifying as HELL in this role. Well worth all the acclaim.
No surprise here, she gets the Oscar. The speech was wham bam efficient. Contained joy with a clinical sheen.
‘An Education’: This was a little peach (maybe an apple?) of a movie. And can I say I LOOOVE Carey Mulligan’s hair now. The pixie cut will always make me happy.
‘Precious’: My thoughts here.
I’m totally inviting Elizabeth Banks to every party I ever have.
John Travolta is wearing jeans. I have no words.
Lesson of the night: ‘The Hurt Locker’s’ score is really hard to interpretive dance to.
‘Up in the Air’: I cannot recommend this movie enough. This is also the movie that will be forgotten tonight, which is really really too bad.
‘The Hurt Locker’: Everybody needs to see this movie.
‘Avatar’: Earlier today I was talking to my brother about what we think constitutes a true “Best Picture.” For him, it means a movie that can transcend a movie theatre screen, i.e he wouldn’t watch ‘Avatar’ on his iPhone, but would listen to an old scratchy radio recording of ‘Schindler’s List,’ and still be deeply affected. We both loved ‘Avatar,’ but I don’t want it to win because I guess I just hate when the “popular” choice wins. I know the movie took years and years to make, new technology was developed expressly for this movie to exist, and we all loved it when we left the theatre. But, man, who doesn’t want the Little Engine That Could (’The Hurt Locker’) or even the Clooney Express (’Up in the Air’) to triumph and come away with the highest honour this town bequeaths?
Best Documentary Feature Film: Didn’t see a single one, but every single clip made me tear up. ‘The Cove’ with its dolphin slaughter expose wins. There’s no way I can see this. I don’t even like or trust dolphins, but it looks horrific. (The shot of the red, red water? Good. God.)
The Best Actor Intro’s: Can I say how much I love this concept? The genuine friend and colleague love before the award, instead of just seeing a clip of their performance? It tells you so much more about the person behind the performance.
Best Actor: My Wish/Who Will Win: Jeff Bridges
Sorry Clooney. I’m so very sorry. But read this and try to not fall in love with this man.
Man, I should have put money on my calls tonight. Bridges gets a standing ovation and delivers a speech peppered with so many “man’s.” Adorable.
Forrest Whittaker plus his glasses are now my best friends forever. Sean Penn terrifies me.
Best Actress: My Wish/Who Will Win: Carey Mulligan/Sandra Bullock
Carey was so perfect in her role. But it’s dark horse personified. If Bullock doesn’t win, Piggy might watch these awards again some day. Sorry Piggy. But, ok, that was a fucking speech. Crying forever.
Best Director: My Wish/Who Will Win: Kathryn Bigelow/James Cameron
Eff yes, a girl. And I don’t have to listen to a shitty James Cameron speech where he’s not funny, not humble and has shitty hair. Win on all levels.
Best Picture: My Wish/Who Will Win: ‘The Hurt Locker’/'Avatar’
Wow, being wrong feels so right. Terrible speech but how awesome that this movie has won Best Picture? Solid solid effort all round Academy Awards. Thanks for a delicious Sunday night.
