So, since last week I have uncovered the secret of the island. (Eat it, ‘Lost!‘) It is actually a prison. It’s okay. I’ve already made a few friends that are helping me pass the time. Luke has been teaching me some new card games in exchange for eggs and Red and Brooks have been sneaking me movies where they can. Here’s this week’s haul…
Jennifer’s Body – This movie was not for kids, entitled ‘Jennifer’s Body,’ and starred Megan Fox (who apparently has no problem with nudity. Just Google her name…) as Jennifer. Am I the only one that has no idea why there was no nudity in it? I’m not saying that it’s a criterion, but if there was even one topless scene, then maybe it would have been the one scene to actually enjoy. What we were left with was plain and simple garbage. There are enough decent vampire/monster shows and movies out there that this one needed something special to set it apart. I feel a little bad for ripping into this one, as I know someone that worked on it, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find anything to like about it. The dialogue was self indulgent and continues to show that Diablo Cody is her own biggest fan. Adam Brody continues to remind me that I hate ‘The O.C.‘ and have yet to find decent post-O.C. work by anyone involved (Mischa Barton did some great work, but it was all beforehand). J.K. Simmons is usually one of my favourite character actors to pop up in a movie, but this time I just felt bad and thought “Nooooo! Run away! Jennifer’s going to devour your career!” Do yourself a favor; if you’re about to watch it, put it down and grab ‘The Lost Boys‘ instead. Even Joel Schumacher could make a campy flick without making you want to smash your TV, and he’s the guy that almost destroyed Batman forever!
The Taking Of Pelham 1 2 3 – Travolta, Travolta, Travolta. Go back to dancing or Tarantino. No one buys you as a bad guy. It’s not that you’re too lovable; you’re just not a good enough actor, and the cheeseball weirdo that you obviously are in real life carries through in all of your roles. Denzel, Turturro, and Guzman are all actors that I look forward to seeing in any movie. All three were stifled, underutilized and unable to survive the generic, boring excuse for an action-thriller that is Pelham. The only good thing about this movie is that Tony Scott finally eased up on the shaky cam that ruined ‘Domino‘ for me. I can’t stress this enough: if you’re making a movie and you don’t want it to be laughed at and scorned, DON’T let Travolta play the bad guy.
Year One – If you feel you need to watch this one, think about watching ‘Get Smart’ instead. It’s that bad. Michael Cera is ok. That’s the highlight. I like every single comedic actor that appears in this movie, and I honestly think that they did the best they could with what they had. Unfortunately, what they had was one of the worst scripts in recent history. I’m normally pretty forgiving, but this one is beyond forgiveness. I was warned to stay away, and I wish I had. Consider this my warning to you. Drag your nails down chalkboards, play in traffic, run with scissors, or stare at the sun; anything is time better spent than watching this.
(500) Days Of Summer – At least I can end on a good note. I wasn’t expecting much from this one, as I’d been warned not to get my expectations too high. This movie stepped outside of the box, both in it’s method of telling the story and the plotline (I don’t want to ruin it so I won’t say any more about the story). Every single player in this film (including the locations) does an excellent job. It’s not an award-winning film, but it’s the kind of movie that you enjoy from start to finish and are eager to recommend to friends. It’s simply a pleasure to watch, which is the reason that most of us watch movies to begin with. Zooey Deschanel is as charming as ever, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt continues to grow out of his ‘3rd Rock’ shell, maturing into an actor that eats, sleeps and breathes the characters he plays. I wish this one had received more attention, as it’s one of those movies that you hope does well, if only so you can see more from the director and writers.
Back to my (500) Days Of Slammer. The hack on the megaphone just called “Lockdown.” Assuming I don’t get shanked in the showers or thrown in the hole (shut up, Nuv), I’ll be back next week with more. How many movies do you think I can get for two packs of cigarettes?
– Pig
