Ahhhhh, the refreshingly informative pre-game, between-period, and half-time interview. Wait, that’s right. It doesn’t exist. The team’s handlers make sure of it. Every professional athlete has to go through media training to make sure there isn’t any comment substantial enough to blow out of proportion, or more importantly, create bulletin board material to fire the opposing team up for the next game. That’s why we’ve gotten soooo disgustingly used to the good old “We just gotta get pucks on the net and forecheck hard,” comment by the toothless/mindless robot. “If we’re solid on D and play our game for 60 minutes, hopefully we’ll come out with a win.”
Please, somebody shoot me in the face. All you did was explain how to play hockey, asshole! That is about as informative as “If we score more points than the other team, we should win the game.” Ok, sorry, it’s not your fault, you were “coached up” to say nothing while filling air time. That’s the beauty of hot-headed coaches and G.M.’s, though. Most don’t have to bother with acting class, which leads to some beautiful sound bites:
“We’re looking forward to building the type of team the Rangers are able to buy” – Bobby Smith, Phoenix Coyotes G.M.
“I don’t have a use for the Vancouver Province because both my dogs are housebroken” – Brian Burke, Toronto Maple Leafs G.M.
“You ever been in a fight Brooksy? Yeah, you were probably beat up at the bus stop most of the time” – John Tortorella, N.Y. Rangers coach, to a N.Y. hockey journalist
“After inviting us into the alley, you can’t complain if you get kicked in the groin” – again, Brian Burke, about winning a player’s salary arbitration case.
Then there’s the players that choose to “keep it real:”
“Part of the learning curve in Edmonton is learning to hate Calgary” – Steve Smith, Edmonto Oilers
“I like to believe that my hits border on felonious assault” – Jack Tatum, Oakland Raiders
“I’m not dumb enough to be a goalie” – Brett Hull, Dallas Stars
Then there’s the poetic musings of the all-interview team members Jeremy Roenick, Shaquille O’Neal, and Charles Barkley, all of whom couldn’t give a f*ck if they had to. I’d add some of their quotes but I don’t have time to write a book.
So when you stop making your sandwich or hold off your beer run during the break in the action, to listen to a player give an answer that sounds like he didn’t hear the question, think about how much time you’ve wasted, minus the information you actually got. Just don’t show the equation to your spouse, or you might have to actually DO stuff in 15 minute increments during “Me and my balls time.” Even though it sounds like a less productive form of masturbation, you may as well keep beatin’ that drum, cuz once in a while, while skipping the fridge invasion, you might catch a heaping spoonful of devil’s food cake… Or Don Cherry pie.
A.T. the Bartender would like to thank the Lord Baby Jesus for the big win on this article.
