It’s Easter weekend. It’s four days off (say that slooowly – it tastes like diamond rainbows dunked in caviar) and I convinced my Mom not to bake a ham. Ham – the Toyota of holiday meals – is so terrible. So, let’s celebrate. Here’s how you should do it. (Note: If you have kids, you’re gonna be stuck hiding candy, then finding and eating it for the next six months. That’s not such a terrible fate, I suppose.)
Kick a rabbit in the face/across the yard. Or carefully apply filed-to-a-point Lee press-on’s and scratch the shit out of one. You know FOR A FACT, they would do it to you if you got close enough. After one house/rabbit-sitting stint where I was a human scratch post for a red-eyed aberration of God, I feel no shame offering this advice. Their prescription for living: fight, fuck and binky. Useless. (On the other hand, The Easter bunny? That’s just the guy from the video store having a hard time breathing in a moldy costume. You can leave him be.)
Eat some Cadbury mini eggs. Slice open the top of the bag first and just inhale. The gentle sugary smell that wafts out is like a perfect kiss on your nose hairs. Then pop a few eggs, wholly convinced that you’ll only have a few. (Cue an hour later as you’re clawing the empty bottom of the bag, confused.) The best ones are the popping shell variety. I never thought I’d advocate a chocolate treat sold at 7-11, but somehow the flavours come together like magic, and really, every Holiday deserves a food that you feel mildly sick after eating. See also: ham with applesauce (gross MOM) and Christmas morning canned asparagus on toast. (Double gross MOM.) Do NOT eat those candy eggs that come in falsely soothing pastel colours, that are hollow but lined on the inside with a white layer of sugar that gets frothy when you eat it. They’re the definition of “kid cocaine.”
Listen to this carefully chosen playlist that reflects on the true gifts of Easter: a legitimate use for wicker, and fake egg yolks made out of corn syrup. (aka songs I think are Spring-y and fun and I like them, and you’re gonna too.)
The Black Keys – Tighten Up
MGMT – Flash Delirium
She & Him – In the Sun
Charlotte Gainsbourg – IRM
The King Khan & BBQ Show – Waddlin’ Around
Natalie Portman’s Shaved Head – Sophisticated Side Ponytail
Mariachi El Bronx – Cell Mates
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Dudley
The Dutchess and the Duke – Reservoir Park
Kay Starr – Wheel of Fortune
Watch ‘Skins’ and be happy you’re not a British teen. Even though your style is untouchable, your angst is fucking double time. Or watch the new season of ‘Breaking Bad.‘ The first episode’s opening was the best thing I’ve seen this year. Or the new season of ‘The United States of Tara.’ Toni Collette is a genius.
Or, if it’s not raining, or even if it is, put on your wristbands and gumboots and play the shit out of badminton. My friend Meghan Matty mentioned it the other day, and I immediately wanted to whip a birdie hard at someone. Because no matter how hard you hit it, how much upper shoulder “oomph” you calibrate into a hit, no matter how sore you are the next day from over-exerting yourself, the birdie just gently crosses the net and lands softly out of bounds. It will never be a weapon. Just don’t play tennis. Particularly in the rain. It makes an already lame sport (if you can call, “Fine, no, I’ll fucking get the ball AGAIN from the very very corner of the court” a sport) even shittier.
Have a great weekend!
