Balls and THEIR Word Part III

As a kid, I always thought the term “Coloured commentator” (sic) was a little racist…

Broadcasters, commentators, play-by-play men, colour analysts. These are some of the “official” names given to the voices you hear for two to three hours during whatever game or match you choose to crank up the decibles to. Love ‘em, or love to hate ‘em, there’s a reason it’s just not the same when the ramblings not there. Not to mention the fact that while we’re following the main part of the action, they’re letting us know what’s happening in the areas we’re not paying attention to. The trenches. The benches. The bedrooms. The bathrooms. Ok, maybe not that far, but pretty close, with some of the useless sh*t they desperately come up with to eat up minutes. Even though this trait is shared by all of them on all platfoms, I think there’s a distinct difference between the sports and what those voices are there for, so I’m officially renaming these pro talkers…

NFL = 45 second space filler/ Instant replay judge

NBA = Urban language specialist / Cliché creator

NHL = Opinion repeater / Hockey-to-American translator

MLB = Naw, f*ck it, these guys are bored as sh*t too. Half the time they’re talkin’ current events.

Even though we might not always notice the need for what we often feel is useless banter, have you ever been watching a game when technical difficulties cut out the broadcaster’s mics? Or have the TV muted while by yourself? It’s just plain weird. That’s why, as a bartender, I get screamed at if I commit the mortal sin of not having the sound blasting the second the Canucks game starts in my bar. Regardless if anyone can actually distinguish between the inflection in the voices and actual WORDS said.

Speaking of sins, the one that play-by-play and colour commentators fearfully try to avoid committing is DEAD AIR. This is why, since before the colourful, off-topic musings of Ho-ward Co-sell, these pro talkers  constantly have an ear out for interesting facts and anecdotes to share in the breaks in action. They even have league-instituted meetings with select players before college and NFL games to make sure they have some ammo. After all, there would be nothing more embarrassing than having nothing to say, right? Oh, I believe some various wordsmiths from all walks of the sporting world would disagree…

“He is a goal scorer, not a natural born one – not yet. That takes time” – Soccer

“You can almost HEAR the silence as they battle it out” –Tennis

“The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it. Which is identical to the one in front of the similar one in back” –Grand Prix racing

“Anytime Detroit scores more than 100 points, and holds the other team under 100 points, they almost always win” – Basketball

“Hector Torres, how can he communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?” – Baseball

“One of the reasons Arnie Palmer played so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them” – Golf

Ironically, I’d be willing to bet that while trying to avoid it at all costs, there was a bit of dead air after most of those comments, with us ALL knowing their partner was givin’ them one of those “Dude, you did NOT SERIOUSLY just say that” looks. Oh well, you’re forgiven, ‘cuz at least these random idiot-izms aren’t as repetitive as your good old “they like to come from behind,” or “he does his best work when he’s on his knees.” (Yes, both from hockey, and both said waaay too often.)

So, if you find yourself on the verge of no-man’s land, just remember that worse things can happen and you always have options. Like letting Jimmy Kimmel into your booth, or better yet, send it down to a sideline interview with a wasted Joe Namath, ‘cuz there’s no better tension breaker than a Hall Of Famer tryin’ to make out with you. Especially one that looks that good in fur coats and pantyhose.

“I wanna kiss you – I could care less about the Jets’ struggling, I wanna kiss you, yeeeaaah!” – “Broadway” Joe Namath to reporter Suzy Kolbert on Monday Night Football.

–Balls out ( Anyone seen Arnold Palmer’s wife?)