Nuv: What’s up, robosexuals? The Big Two are back where they belong – hanging out of my fly and draped across Mama Explosivo’s eyes. Can’t say she didn’t see me cumming. Oh, that meat-drape Ian’s kickin’ around here somewhere too. This past weekend, The Big Four took a break from bravely burning their bras when we weren’t looking, and got treated to a movie. Specifically: ‘Kick-Ass!’
Ian: I guess to kick things off we should talk a bit about the comic first. I kind of did things in reverse order (saw the movie first and then read the comics after) but I have to say that John Romita Jr.’s pencils never fail to disappoint in how friggin’ crappy they are. Remember when we wrote that article a while back on artists we hate the most? And I picked Ladronn and Nuv picked Rob Liefeld? Well, if we had to write that article again, I’d pick JRJR because his stuff makes me want to punch someone in the face even more than when I used to work with Nuv. SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS!
Nuv: Despite what forums full of haters would have you believe, Mark Millar’s sensationalist writing is (almost) always on point. JRJR, on the other hand, is definitely an acquired taste. I used to hate his work as a kid because of the ugly faces. Eventually though, I began to notice that, while alternately odd and hideous, he was a master at panel-to-panel storytelling, from the framing to the dramatic angles he chose. In ‘Kick-Ass,’ his style completely suits the ultra-violence. It was fun times imagining that all of the mongoloids in the comic having their faces savagely beaten were that ugly dick-farmer Ian.
Ian: What?! Speak up! I can’t hear you when you stuff your mouth with tampons, puss-face. Anyway, onward and upward to the movie which is – and I’m dead serious about this – probably my favourite comic book movie made yet. You can’t deny that Millar wrote a great story here, but even so there were a few things that the original story could have done without, and that the movie totally fixes. For instance, Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage) was never a cop, but instead a disgruntled fanboy who kidnaps and raises his daughter in the worst way possible. And the fight against the mob? Basically started because he felt they needed a “villain” to their story. That’s kinda lame and really could only work in comic books. Luckily screenwriters Jane Goldman and Matthew Vaughn had the good sense to do away with those aspects that were clunky. You’ll see what I mean once I fire Nuv from his own site and take creative control of this column.
Nuv: I will agree that this is one of the only cases I can think of where the adaptation betters the source material. I don’t know about favourite comic movie ever, but it could stand proudly next to some of mine. Mostly due to the man that I kept forgetting was in the director’s chair – the aforementioned Matthew Vaughn. The look, mood and pathos are a direct result of his hand being at the helm. At one point he was attached to both ‘X-Men 3‘ and ‘Thor,‘ and apparently he took some of the ideas and passion he had for those projects, bottled them up and let them explode here. I now know why ‘X3′ was such a shit-piece: when Vaughn left the project, he took it’s heart with him. Luckily for us, he transplanted it here.
Ian: The movie is great. And violent! And who in our community couldn’t love this movie? Because whether we admit it or not, every single person who grew up reading superhero comics has thought on more than one occasion “Why NOT me?” Hell, I’m a thirty-two year old man and I still think about what my costume might look like if my neighbourhood got overrun by drug dealers (or, more likely, I completely lose my mind) and I decided to DO SOMETHING about it. And I know Nuv’s thought about it because I’ve busted him on numerous occasions with his little pink cape slipping out the bottom of his jacket. Awkward!
Nuv: Not a cape. Those were your mom’s draws. (Though I’ve found a new purpose for them.) Note for the readers: Ian’s version of ‘DO SOMETHING’ in the previous paragraph also involves a costume, but the most important part wouldn’t be a cape. It would be the knee-pads.
Ian: My favourite scene in the whole movie is the fight scene in the diner parking lot. More than any other sequence, this one shows exactly how much the filmmakers “got” the character. It’s a rough and tumble brawl where almost nothing goes right. None of Kick-Ass’ moves come off as choreographed, and the end product is something that looks exactly how it should – an everyday Joe, in a somewhat goofy costume, doing his best in a fight that he was INSANE to even start. It’s great and it really makes you empathize and cheer for the character for the rest of the show.
Nuv: There were too many great scenes to choose just one, so for the sake of avoiding spoilers, I won’t go into them all, but two that stood out both involved what will be the break-out (and most controversial) character in the film, the foul-mouthed, murderous Hit-Girl (Chloe Moretz). First up: one of the most innovatively filmed rescue sequences commited to film, including a first-person-shooter viewpoint, strobe-light-induced freeze frame flashes of violence that play like a twisted slideshow, and Nicolas Cage using his weirdness for good instead of for Bruckheimer. The other standout was also an action sequence, and while it was absolutely stunning, what stood out even more was that the second it ended and the score/gunfire went silent, Miss Teen USSR clapped, stomped and screamed “F@¢# YEAH!!” in the theater. I concur, woman!
Ian: Some quick flaws so I don’t get accused of being all gushy: McLovin was miscast. I didn’t really like all the screen time he was given and from the uniform to the stupid lisp, he was probably the least convincing character in the whole movie. Also, I wasn’t a big fan of the Italian stereotypes. Not because I’m all PC, but because it’s been played out since Steven Seagal and Van Damme spent half of the nineties taking down those “guinea wops.” That tap should be switched off forever. Oh, and of course all the John Romita, Jr. art. It was like Where’s Waldo? spotting all that crap. Except easier because you just looked for the badly drawn faces. And bodies. And everything.
Nuv: You are stupid-dumb! (I wish you were mute-dumb.) The JRJR animated sequence was perfectly used! My only real problem had nothing to do with the film. It had to do with the marketing. Who the crap are they trying to sell this too?! Watch the trailers. It looks like a really s#!%%y kid’s movie. Most of my non-comic-reading friends had no idea this was going to be an insanely violent, sharply written dark comedy. My nieces (ages: 1 and 3) were like, “Uncle Nuv, that s#!% looks like Ian.” (That’s what we call poop in my family.) Also, I thought Mark Strong killed it as the Crime Boss, but I’ll be sure to tell Piggy you hate his people. Watch your back, Poop!
Ian: Hey, my beef is not with Italy or Piggy. It’s with you not being dead. In summation, ‘Kick-Ass’ kicks ass. It should also be pointed out that everything Nuv said was hearsay because he spent the whole movie in the lobby getting comforted by his Mom. “Hey! Violence isn’t for everybody champ. Let’s see if we can get into ‘How to Train Your Dragon.’ ”
Nuv: Blah blah, yadda yadda, you have no penis.
Put two in the air…
– The Big Two
NEXT ISSUE: A DEATH IN THE FAMILY.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME IAN-CHANNEL…
Holy fuck! Best column ever?!