The NHL playoffs have been bananas – the King Kong-satisfying type. The NBA Final Four involves the last two champs – Superman and Kid Canada – in what could be the best Conference Finals since the Jordan-Magic-Larry Legend era. Baseball is a quarter into their season. (Seriously, it is! A buddy who knows nothing about sports told me so!) There’s just one painfully empty hole for many of us. THE NFL.
To us football crackheads, when we start talking about the upcoming season (usually the day after the Superbowl), the rest of the sports just become filler, and we count down the days to September 9th. Well, don’t fret ballers and ballettes! A.T., Lord of the Pigskin Problem-Children, is on the case! I’m like Sam Jackson in ‘Jungle Fever,’ the way I’ve gone after my fix, but I’m willin’ to share, and this off-season has cooked up some of the best shit in years! Here homey, take a hit…
Brett Favre says deciding whether or not to retire for the fourth time depends on his decision to have minor ankle surgery or not. Obviously he’ll do it, ‘cuz he’ll need a new reason next year. He’s gotta keep us on our toes, or we might stop talkin’ about him for a few days!… T.O. can’t get a job. Hey bro, Canada’s got hotter chicks than Buffalo… Jets released the A.F.C.’s second leading rusher, and team captain, Thomas Jones for cap room, feeling he might be close to wearing down. Then, they brought in the older and more worn LaDainian Tomlinson to replace him at the same price. The very same day, Rex Ryan was spotted trading his VW minivan for a Bug straight-up, so he wouldn’t be persuaded to drive so much… After rushing for over 2000 yards last season, Tennesee’s Chris Johnson might hold out of camp for a “more deserving” contract. He made about $600/yard. His backup, Lendale White, made $4,300/yard. I’d say he’s got a legit beef. Especially when even the KICKER made double what he does… T.O. made $113,636/catch… Speakin’ of salary, the Raiders finally gave up on former #1 overall pick Jamarcus Russell after three years, and paying him around $100,000 per completed pass. Al Davis finally cut him loose thinking he only lost about $15 mil. Shhhhhh, Al’s been napping for 2 ½ seasons - they also didn’t wake him for the draft, and had their best one in years!… Redskins traded for Donovan McNabb. A week later, his idiot ex-receiver, Desean Jackson, trashed him to the media. Sound familiar?… T.O. was turned down by the Cleveland Browns… Last season’s Defensive Rookie of the Year, Texans LB Brian Cushing, was suspended for the first four games of the season for testing positive for a fertility drug – commonly used as a masking agent for performance enhancers. The strange thing is, the league found out at the BEGINNING of last season. I guess they just wanted to see if he got pregnant. He must have, ‘cuz they let him keep the award. We’ll just call those four games maternity leave… Commisioner Roger Goodell suspended Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger for the first six games of the season for repeated accusations of him thinking girls in clubs saying “NO” just weren’t drunk enough yet. His suspension might be taken down to four games, because witnesses and teammates said in each incident he was wearing a “My defence won me two rings” shirt under his shiny Ed Hardy tee… An interesting T.O. / McNabb reunion almost happened, but the Redskins ended up turning him down, and signed the older, less productive Joey Galloway instead. Ain’t karma a bitch?… The Buffalo Bills will play two games in Toronto again this year. Let’s see if anyone notices this time…
There’s yo’ NFL dimebag kid, and if you like that high, meet me at the same corner next week. Oh sh*t, here come the cops! Quick, swallow this article!
– Balls Out
