A Man Walks Into A Bar…

[Editor's Note: Let's all give a warm R2AK welcome to our newest Outsider, Mr. Toooom Daaaaaaay. Take it away Tom!]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, orders a pint of Guinness and a shot of Maker’s Mark, pays in cash (leaving a handsome tip), drinks his drinks, and then leaves. No, this isn’t the beginning of another stale bar joke, but a description of the bartender’s perfect customer. But what makes him perfect? Let’s break it down and see. Is it because of his exquisite taste in beer and bourbon? No (although that doesn’t hurt). Is it because he paid in cash and left a nice tip? Again no. Nor is it because he drank his tasty beverages and then promptly left. While all those things describe the ideal customer, what made him perfect, in my eyes anyway, was that he knew exactly what he wanted.

I watched as he drank his Guinness in a few quick gulps, leaving only about three or four foam lines around his glass, then pause before following with the shot of bourbon, smile, then he winked at me and left. Well-played sir. Not only did he know exactly what he wanted, he knew exactly how to drink it. No hemming and hawing, no “what do you have on tap?” and waiting for me to run through the gamut of beers before invariably settling on “the lager,” no asking for the cocktail list and after five minutes of vacillation ordering a virgin Malibu and pineapple, (so you want a pineapple juice then?) or my all-time favourite, “I want something strong but not too strong and something girly but not too girly and I want it to be delicious!” and then wonder what went wrong as you skulk away with your vodka cranberry…

In this age of media saturation and mass consumerism, where companies tell you that the world’s most interesting man prefers Dos Equis, that Grey Goose is the world’s best tasting vodka (still hawking that title after winning some award in 1998 and nothing since), that after work, it’s “Miller Time,” or that you’re not a true Canadian unless you drink, what else – Molson Canadian – it’s easy to see how one could drown in this deluge of alcoholic alternatives. But it also asks the question: with all these brands on TV and magazines telling you what you should drink, why are you still coming into my bar and asking me what you should drink? Can’t you make up your own damn mind? Are you a man or a mouse? A woman or a wouse? (Okay that’s not a word, but you get the idea.) Would you go into a clothing store and ask the smug underpaid store clerk what you should wear? I don’t think so.

Okay, sometimes I don’t mind prescribing something to suit your mood, making you a Caesar if you’re hungover, for example, or two fingers of Macallan 18 neat if you’ve just had your first threesome, say. But if you don’t know what you want, ask for a menu, instead of asking me to make you something “good.” Look, you could order all the Screaming Orgasms or Sex on the Beaches you want if that’s your thing. Maybe you successfully time-travelled from the 80s and Doc Brown is parked outside in the DeLorean, or maybe you just thought you stepped into The Yale in your cocaine delirium, who knows. I won’t begrudge you for that. People drink their drink of choice for many different reasons. Some drink Pabst Blue Ribbon because it reminds them of their youth. Others, Southern Comfort on the rocks in honour of their grandfather. Some drink gin and tonics believing it will get them laid. No matter. The point is, a person that knows what they want in life is admirable. Knowing what you want to drink in a bar is no different.

And when you know what you want, others inherently follow suit. There’s a reason why the expression, “I’ll have what he’s having,” is still so often heard. There are too many followers in this world. And what about our hero with the Guinness? During our time together I made a point to ask him why he drank Guinness and bourbon and he smiled and said simply, “Because it makes me feel good and more optimistic about the future.” I wanted to kiss him. So I ask you, would you rather be this man, or the clown we snicker about who wanted some girly martini but whispered to put it in a rocks glass so he can look like a man? Exactly. Do the right thing. Next time you walk into a bar, don’t be a bad joke.

– Tom Day

*Editor's Note P2: Doc Brown knows his drink. Do you? 1.21 Gigawatts - Pour 1/2 shot Stoli Raz, 1/2 shot Hpnotiq, splash Grenadine into shot glass // While Grenadine sinks, layering drink, half-fill tall glass with Red Bull // Drop shot glass in, drink in one gulp // Yell "Great Scott!" // Convince girl you need her help saving your future children // Repeat until Time Travel (read: blackout) achieved // Blame Libyans in morning...