Between free agency, the most draft-day trades ever, and a possible lockout looming, the NFL has looked like a 70’s key party this off-season. So, even though players are hoppin’ into new beds all over the place, here are the most alluring rendezvous that might turn into full blown affairs…
Julius Peppers (DE, Chicago Bears)
Unanimously voted the top free agent prize this year, this perennial All-Pro pass-rushing beast finally escaped the Panthers’ perennial franchise tag, immediately deciding Santa Claus would come in the form of a Bear. Signing what could potentially end up being the biggest contract for a defensive player in NFL history, the 6’7’’ monster, and his double-digit sack average join a now healthy Brian Urlacher, and fellow Pro-Bowlers Lance Briggs and Tommie Harris to hopefully create the “Monsters of the Midway” version 2.010. He also might save coach Lovie Smith’s ass, which must be dehydrated from sweating on a hot seat non-stop for the last three years.
Anquan Boldin (WR, Baltimore Ravens)
They did it. They FINALLY f*cking did it. After years and years, and even a 2000 Super Bowl, they finally got a stud receiver and someone to deliver the rock to him. And not just any stud. ‘Quan is the kinda bad-ass that can run through walls for 100 balls every season, with a physicality rarely seen these days. If he stayed in Arizona, him and “Fitz” would have easily been the best wideout tandem in the league. But Boldin has made it pretty clear for quite some time that he didn’t want another big dawg eatin’ from his dish. Seeing as he’ll even play with a busted jaw, I see: 16 games, 13 double teams, 110 receptions. Woof.
Antrelle Rolle (S, New York Giants)
This big, hard hittin’, leadership spittin’, Pro Bowl safety was a perfect off-season steal for the G-men, especially since they don’t know how main man Kenny Phillips’ spine is gonna hold up. Still can’t understand how the Cardinals cut him for money reasons, seeing as they also let most of their other leaders walk. Guess they figure just GOING to a Super Bowl is enough playoffs for the fans for another decade or so.
Thomas Jones (RB, Kansas City Chiefs)
Second in the AFC in rushing last year, he’s still got lots in the tank to be the 1000 yard grinder that sets up 1000 yard scat-back Jamaal Charles. He also provides much needed leadership, so he can teach youngsters like Dwayne Bowe the meaning of “bros before hoes.” “Listen D-Bo, what happens in San Diego…” Well, you get it.
Antonio Bryant (WR, Cincinnati Bengals)
If he returns to his Tampa Bay big-dawg form, we might be able to actually see Ochocinco without the “dos defensor espalda” blanket over him.
Dunta Robinson (CB, Atlanta Falcons)
He leaves Houston for his home state and the second biggest defensive back contract in history (behind the Raiders’ Nnamdi Asomugha). Could end up being second best shutdown corner in team history (behind “Neon” Deion Sanders).
Antonio Cromartie (CB, New York Jets)
Former Pro-bowler and interception champ joins Defensive Player of the Year runner-up, Darrelle Revis, to potentially form the best corner tandum in the league. Antonio also figured that since he has seven illegitimate children in San Diego, he may as well start on the other coast.
Donovan McNabb (QB, Washington Redskins)
The best way to sportingly label owner Daniel Snyder, would be the Wesley Snipes character in ‘White Men Can’t Jump.’ He’d rather “look good and lose, than look bad and win.” That’s why this move shouldn’t surprise anyone. QB Jason Campbell was never the problem in the capital, and actually looked like he was on the verge of franchise-dom. The problem? He wasn’t shiny enough for little Danny. Snyder also hadn’t finished his tantrum from not getting “The Golden Brett,” so thought he’d throw money at the next best thing.
Jason Campbell (QB, Oakland Raiders)
For all my Victoria, BC peoples – goin’ from the Redskins to the Silver and Black, is like goin’ from S.M.U. to Vic High. A team of rich kids that were bought by a rich kid, to a team of roughneck delinquent cast-offs. Now, instead of being treated like the goat on an underachieving, overpaid offence, he’ll be the savior of a passing attack that hasn’t had a gun since 2-time league MVP General Rich Gannon was lost in battle after he led the troops to the 2002 Super Bowl. It also finally gave Oakland the chance to dump all-time bust, JaMarcus Russell, for a QB who has been a Top 10 QB for a few years now, and whose stats have gotten better in each of his five seasons. I’ve always thanked ‘Skins owner Dan Snyder’s little-man syndrome for giving me ammunition; I just never thought I might be thanking it for saving my team.
Terrell Owens (WR, Planet T.O.)
The only team willing to pay $5 million per season for his services is conveniently located in his own little world. Word is, he’s also in negotiation to play QB.
Hope those rocks hold y’all junkies ‘till my next pickup…
– Balls Out
