I spent the other day in bed with a brutal outbreak of hives. (Jealous?) To make myself feel better, I decided to check out some movie trailers, because watching healthy people who are thinner and richer than you, is always a sure-fire get-better-quick remedy. Here’s what I saw and what I think, so that you don’t have to.
The A-Team (June 11, 2010)
“They are the best and they specialize in the ridiculous.” This line, rattled off by Jessica Biel in the trailer, perfectly sums up this ride. Extremely likeable actors being smarmy, smart, stupid and, yes, ridiculous. And it’s directed by the excellent Joe Carnahan (’Narc’) – that there’s the big YUP that will get me to the theatre. Basically, this looks like the perfect popcorn movie. GRADE: B+
Toy Story 3 (June 18, 2010) How much do I adore the first two installments of this series? When they re-released them in theatres in 3-D last year, I went to see them ALL BY MYSELF. (Stupid friends/husband.) I was also the first one there, so I sat BY MYSELF, playing with my phone in a deserted theatre hallway. The loser lone wolf status was entirely worth it though. And this trailer leaves me pretty confident that, just like with the first two, I will sob and laugh and be enchanted in equal measures. GRADE: A
The Killer Inside Me (June 18, 2010) A while back, I’d heard rumblings of how disturbing this movie was. Trailer itself looks pretty standard. Casey Affleck in a cowboy hat in a dusty time with two of the worst leading ladies possible – Kate Hudson & Jessica Alba. If I didn’t get around to seeing ‘The Black Dahlia,’ another moody period piece with dead girls, I sure as shit won’t see this. GRADE: C
Cyrus (June 18, 2010) The premise (Guy meets girls, falls for her, then her creepy son throws a giant wrench into the mix) could be terrible in the wrong hands, but I trust these hands implicitly. The always amazing John C. Reilly being uncomfortable and awkward, the ridiculously ageless Tomei being lovely, and Jonah Hill using his lumpy frame and teeny eyeballs to be super creepy instead of funny. I’m in. GRADE: B+
Knight and Day (June 23, 2010) This is the Tom Cruise I love – when he’s just running, jumping and shooting and may be untrustworthy. For just a few minutes I was able to forget all I know about his personal life. And I’ve always liked Cameron Diaz a lot. Shitty title and poster aside, I will see this. GRADE: B
Restrepo (June 25, 2010) A documentary following a group of soldiers deployed to the extremely dangerous Korengal Valley in Afghanistan. Filmed over the span of May 2007 to July 2008, and backed by the greatest smelling magazine in the world (National Geographic), this looks terrifying and brutal and a hearty reminder that being home in bed itchy is not the worst place to be. GRADE: B+
Love Ranch (June 30, 2010) I am a sucker for this era, for prostitution, for this poster, the music used, and mostly for Helen Mirren, the sauciest and most versatile 65-year-old ever. GRADE: B+
Predators (July 9, 2010)
I trust Rodriguez (producer) and Brody (lead) to not choose a shitty project. And I love the Predator, the only thing alive allowed to wear dreadlocks without being a stinkdouche. GRADE: B+
Winnebago Man (July 9, 2010) I had never seen the YouTube clips that made this guy internet famous until now. Um, they’re incredible. I do love me a good documentary and the whole “let’s find this guy and show him what he’s unknowingly become” premise is one I super-love. GRADE: A
Rec 2 (July 9, 2010) Well, I learned something new. ‘Quarantine,’ the movie where Deb from ‘Dexter‘ convincingly has a nervous breakdown and screams for most of the movie, was a remake of a Spanish movie, ‘Rec.’ This is the sequel and it looks like I will (again) scream out loud watching it. Something about night vision home camera footage makes the “what in the shit was that?” thing that pops out triple-o scarier. I will rent only, so as to not die of a heart attack in theatres. (Maybe reading the subtitles will lessen the terror – mmm, probs not.) GRADE: A
Inception (July 16, 2010) In our household, this is the one movie we’re already two steps out the door for, with greasy popcorn in hand. Nolan, DiCaprio, Gordon-Levitt, a plot that I might not be smart enough to understand, but all scored by Hans Zimmer = beautiful. GRADE: A+
Dinner for Schmucks (July 23, 2010) I have a terrible feeling about this one. (A US Remake of a French black comedy – God that sounds like surefire fuckery.) BUT, Rudd doing his very good straight man, Carell and Galifianakis being weird and awesome..Eff it, I’ll see it. GRADE: C+
The Expendables (August 13, 2010)
The dudeliest of dude movies, dude. Seriously, there is not one established action guy in Hollywood NOT in here fighting, shooting, kicking, kniving or flying some giant device that shoots. It’s a Stallone project. So, if I can get past the fact he now looks like the female version of himself, I would watch this on a sick day. Oh, and the music is fucking terrible. GRADE: C
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (Aug 13, 2010) First off, even though she’s only in the dying seconds of the trailer, I Hate Anna Kendrick. Her prissy pointy face and quick line delivery make me furious. In ‘Up in the Air,’ I got over it because, well, Clooney is a fantastic distraction, but here I don’t know. And I hate Michael Cera’s new waify build and overly poufy hair. What once was cute and endearing now just seems sickly and bobbly. Aside from those superficial quibbles, this looks like the definition of fun. I love the snappy way Edgar Wright shoots and edits his movies, and bonus prop points for casting Cera’s bible-thumping immoveable girlfriend Ann, from ‘Arrested Development,’ as one of the evil exes he must fight. GRADE: B
Rango (2011) I gathered not a goddamn thing from this “trailer”; other than that it should really just be called a teaser. A bright orange wind-up fish noisily crosses a deserted desert highway. That’s it. (IMDB informed me this is an animated action adventure with Johnny Depp providing the lead voice. Even though I was always more of a ‘Booker‘ fan, I will wait and watch for the first real trailer.) GRADE: C-
Super 8 (Summer 2011) Now this is how you do a short trailer for a movie not due out for ages. A beautiful cricket-scored night interrupted by a massive train crash that releases some alien being. Written and directed by J.J. Abrams. Yes, muhfuh, please. GRADE: A
So, there’s my summer pretty much mapped out Cineplex-wise. You tell me, which trailers are luring you into theatres, or conversely, keeping you 1,000,000 miles away from them? The Comments section awaits…
Tsk, tsk. Silly woman.
“…there is not one established action guy in Hollywood NOT in here…”
Van Damme. Steven Seagal. Mr. T. Kurt Russell. They’re not ‘guys’ but Sigourney Weaver and Linda Hamilton would also fit. Carl Weathers, and anyone else that was in ‘Predator’…
I could keep going, but you get the picture, I’m sure.