For The Man Who Has Everything

What do you get the man with everything?

How about 700 candles? Enough to make making a wish difficult, even for a man with Super-Breath.

How about “Amazing” J. Michael Straczynski writing his exploits, with “Astonishing” John Cassaday doing his cover art? He deserves A-List creators on his titles, something he’s been lacking since Geoff Johns‘ run ended.

How about Christopher “Dark Knight” Nolan ‘Godfathering’ his next film project? Hopefully ‘Godfathering’ it means sending ‘Super-Illegitamate Love-Bastard’ to sleep with the fishes…

How about an end to this stupid lawsuit between DC and the Siegel/Shuster heirs, pets, neighbours, their own lawyers, etc.? Kryptonians don’t like custody battles. It makes them…Heat Vision-y. Oh, no wait. Heat Vision is equivalent to a boner. Never mind.

How about…oh, look who it is! The Man of the hour..of Steel! What’s that? You brought us a gift? On your birthday? Jesus, Supes! You’re too damn much! No, I said ‘Dang’ much. And ‘Cheeses’. You know I don’t swear around you. Anyways, back to my present. Let’s see…What is it? Hmmmm. I can’t tell by shaking it. And you lined it with lead, so the ‘Perv-Goggles’…I mean ‘X-Ray Specs‘ I borrowed from The Jolly Gamesman won’t help…I’m just gonna open it and…Oh snap! Superman #700! That comes out later today?! Did you buy it and fly around earth until you spun back time again? You’re crazy, man! You shouldn’t have! Uhh…I know it’s your birthday and all, and I hate to ask you for a favour, but…do you mind holding down the Fortress, while I go read this? Just for a bit. I gotta report back to these chumps and tell ‘em how it is…Oh. Right. “Lives to save.” Convenient. No, that’s fine, I guess. Whatever. Go get cats out of trees or try to Super-Hug crime or some s#!%. Yeah, I swore. Big f@¢%in’ deal! Like you’re so perfect. You lie to people everyday “Clark.” No. It’s fine. Go crush some coal into a birthday diamond for yourself, and s#!%. I’ll just be over here, barely making rent…

Happy Birthday Supes. You don’t look a day over 500. Ya selfish mother-somethin’-somethin’…

Put one in the air…

– Nuv

[Guest-Editor's Note: Hi. Superman here. Oh, don't worry about him. He'll be fine. You spend enough time with anybody, and you start to get on each other's nerves. And he's been hanging out with me all of his life. Anyhow, the 700th issue of Superman comes out today, starring me. It's keen! Go pick it up, and come back here tomorrow. Nuv will have calmed down by then, and he'll probably want to talk it over with you guys. Well, I gotta fly. Before you leave, you should check out the galleries below. The first one is considered by many (including Nuv) one of my best stories, written and illustrated by the men behind Watchmen, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. It's called, you guessed it, For The Man Who Has Everything. It's about my pals Wonder Woman, Batman and Robin coming to the Fortress of Solitude to bring me a birthday present. Speaking of them, to celebrate Batman turning 700 earlier this month, and Wonder Woman turning 600 next week, the second gallery has a collection of the covers to the milestones issues of our respective titles. Yeah, I know it's MY birthday today, but, you know, share-sies! Enjoy. I love everybody. Peace out, humans.]

TO BE CONTINUED….