Dear Hollywood,
F@¢% you!
Seriously, you couldn’t do a Jonah Hex movie properly? Seriously?! Even though every issue of that comic is a perfect little self-contained storyline dripping with bloody revenge, machismo, hoes for days and general badassery?
Even though it would require little from you, other than typing out a synopsis of any of the aforementioned issues, plugging it into a screenplay program on your POS Dell laptop, and watching money roll in as every dude with a sack/sac drags his girlfriend to the theatre to watch 90 minutes of a man with no ceiling to his tolerance for, and ability to inflict, pain? Seriously?!?!
Even though the main character is essentially Clint Eastwood by way of Two-Face, being the baddest motherf@¢%er in the West wasn’t enough for you, huh? You had to give him superpowers? Not only that, but the superpowers of Haley Joel Osment? Really, Hollywood?
You didn’t learn your lesson from ‘Wild, Wild West’ and it’s giant Mecha-Spider bulls#!%? Why even make it a western, or base it on Hex? F@¢%, just do a ‘Sixth Sense’ sequel. Now, all you’ve done is ensure the general public will avoid a month-in, month-out comic book masterpiece. They’ll rightfully assume this piece of s#!%, based on a comic, faithfully adapts, you guessed it, a piece of s#!%. Honestly, the Jonah Hex comic doesn’t do great numbers. I could see this bomb sinking the flagship…
I repeat: F@¢% you, Hollywood! ‘Jonah Hex’ and ‘The Losers’ should switch names. That movie was about as faithful an adaptation of Hex as this one, and this one would then, at least, live up to it’s title…
While I’ve got your stinking-ass ear: How. The. F@¢%. Have you had THREE shots at ‘The Punisher’ without getting it right? Are you retarded?! (Never mind. ‘Speed 2,’ the one that takes place on the greased lightning that is a cruise ship, is proof you are.) He is the easiest character in the world to get right! He’s sort of like Jonah Hex. A man of few words and many bullets. There’s not much more to him than vengeance. Have him kill a whole s#!%load of overly-despicable bad guys. Throw in a flashback to his family getting killed to build audience sympathy. That’s it! He lets his guns do the talking for him, and occasionally punctuates with a clever one-liner. Basically, do an updated version of an 80’s Schwarzenegger flick. And by updated, I don’t mean apply an overly-slick sheen and 3,000 cuts/minute editing “style.” Just so we’re clear.
There are actually more don’ts than do’s. For example: DON’T remove the skull, ‘The Punisher‘ (1989). DON’T have a quirky John Travolta villain, ‘The Punisher‘ (2004). And, ‘Punisher: War Zone‘ (2008), just…just DON’T.
F@¢%!!!
– Nuv
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What the fuck, indeed, old friend.
They gave Jonah super powers? WTF?
It’s says something that Megan Fox went out and married David Silver from the original 90201 directly after Jonah Hex bombed. And the “something” it says does NOT bode well for David Silver.