No longer content to just provide the site with dope snaps, Jay Haddow throws his hat into the writer’s ring with this, the third volume of High Five. So, without further ado, here are his Top 5 NBA players. Sing it shitface!
5. Michael Finley
Playing basketball as a youth, I tried to mimic his playing style as best I could, with my white Canadian frame. He mesmerized me, and I would watch him even when he didn’t have the ball. I would study him and pick out things he did, and then try and use them on the court. Like getting open, trusting your shot and sweeping in to attack the rim. Yeah, that’s right, I had a non-sexual mancrush on him. He could shoot the 3, play D, and was given the ball late in a game. More than anything else, it was a little thing he did that I focused on: he would raise the ball up so quick that he was almost never blocked. It didn’t matter if he was in the process of shooting a 3, or dunking, the ball came up quick and he had most defenders beat. The friends I played ball with are all probably imagining my amazing unblockable (cough) layup right now. Right guys? You should study him here. I’ve only cried three times in my life: When Optimus Prime died, when the horse died in ‘Dances With Wolves’, and when Michael Finley was traded from the Mavericks to the f*@%king SPURS!
4. Oscar Robertson
He’s the only player in NBA history to average a triple-double for an entire season! 30.8 points, 11.4 assists and 12.5 rebounds per game. This is worthy of the coveted WTF-FTW award! Holy sweet mama-jamma ‘Big O.’ What do I even say after that? His pull up jumper was unstoppable? No one created plays from the dribble better than him? He was a neato guy? Just watch this video. Or you can watch this video presented by No. 3 on my list.
3. Ray Allen
He moves incredibly well without the ball and is a nightmare to defend. A natural on offense and the purest shooter in the game today, maybe ever. I think he hits a lot of his shots because the guy defending him is probably like “damn that’s pretty” as he slowly turns around watching the ball and then is like “Fuuuuuuu…” Everyone wants to shoot like him, and be as smooth as him. His nickname should be ‘Medium Smooth’ cause we all know ‘Big Smooth’ is taken, right Miss Teen USSR? (I used to like smooth peanut butter but I like crunchy now. Oh, but I hate Crunchie chocolate bars, they suck. Writing is weird and difficult.) Okay, watch this.
2. Michael Jordan
I remember sprinting home from school so I could watch Jordan beat the Cavs, Heat or Knicks in the Playoffs. Well that, and catch ‘NBA Inside Stuff’ with my maaain man Ahmad Rashad. Jordan is No. 2 on my list and that hurts a little bit, considering Gretzky would be No. 1 on my list of NHL players, but so be it. I’ve made my choice and I’ll deal with the consequences in the Comments section. I don’t think I need to explain why he’s awesome, or break down stats or anything, but I will say that he is the greatest player in NBA history. If you don’t agree with that, well you sir/madam, can go f@$% yourself and then watch this video. And this one. Aaaaand this one. Or go buy the Ultimate Jordan DVD. It’s awesome, and so are you for reading this. Good for you!
1. Scottie Pippen
I proudly wore a Pippen jersey in Portland just after the Bulls had beaten the Trailblazers in the ‘92 Finals. I felt invincible in that thing, so it didn’t matter that I got stared at, or even yelled at. Plus I wanted to see my brothers squirm and hear them say “Bro uhhh bro no, don’t wear the… oh man don’t, why did you bring it…uggghhh…” and then I would respond with “Screw them, they’re losers! What are they gonna do…go lose at something?!” Okay, so that wasn’t exactly what was said word for word, but I did get yelled at a couple of times. Looking at this list, it’s pretty obvious that I like a certain style of basketball player. A swing player who can move well without the ball, create plays from the dribble if needed, well-rounded, attacks the rim, clutch etc. No one, in my opinion, was a more complete basketball player than Scottie Pippen. He could do everything, and play D. I didn’t like him cause everyone liked Jordan and I wanted to be different; I liked him because he was so good at everything. There was no real weak spot in his game. I know it’s hard to think of Pippen as a stand-alone superstar, but he was, and he was a huge reason why Jordan was the best ever and why the Bulls won so many championships. Jordan even says so himself in his Hall Of Fame speech: “There’s so many people I can thank. In all the videos, you never just saw me…you saw Scottie Pippen (choking back tears) …every championship I won.” Now, let’s go to the videotape.
So, there you have the Haddow picks (What, no Jeff Hornacek?) Leave your Top 5 ballers in the Comments.
I SWEAR I followed the NBA religiously for many years in the mid-90s, so I do know my NBA players of that time, what I consider the Glory Years. But, when it comes down to it, I started watching the sport because many many many of these guys were highly boneable. So even though this is such a shameless chick response, here are my top 5, based purely on their ability to put me in heat.
5. Clyde Drexler – Looks like he stepped out of the 1920s and should have played in a tux with tails.
4. Jerry Stackhouse – I had his FILA ad pinned to my wall AND I bought & wore those FILA shoes to be closer to him.
3. Sam Perkins – Big Smooth. I was a Sonics girl to the bone, and his elegant way about the court for a big guy was mucho attractivo.
2. Shawn Kemp – I’m sorry. I know he is not good looking nor can he operate a condom evidently, but when he would effortlessly take the ball and slam it down with those giant flapjack hands, I was toast.
1. Ray Allen – Dear Spike Lee, thanks more than you’ll ever know for ‘He Got Game.’
Honorable Mentions to: Roy Rogers, Juwan Howard, Mitch Richmond & Joe Smith.
I’m not counting it down because there is nothing suspenseful about my #1…
1. Michael Jordan – He’s fuckin’ Jordan.
2. Ray Allen – Jesus! ‘He Got Game’ lead me to him, too. His shot is what kept me paying attention. I haven’t really watched basketball religiously since Jordan, but I would stop, entranced, for Allen highlights. I was super-stoked to see him land on the Celtics and even more stoked to see them win the Championship two years ago. Them being in the finals this year had me more intensely invested in basketball then I have been in a long time. Them crumbling in the face of Kobe’s Lakers was a shitty, deflating feeling that I’ve now felt three times this year (Colts & Canucks being responsible for the other two). Ray is the only reason I think I cared that much in this case.
3. Dr. J – The first time I ever really paid attention to basketball was because of the Dr. J ‘Spalding’ ads in my comics. When I realized this guy actually existed in real life, I wanted to see if he could actually take to the air like he did in the ads. The answer was a resounding “yep.”
4. Larry Bird – I suppose it’s arguable between him and Magic, but Bird’s grit and non-Laker status gave him the edge, in my opinion.
5. ‘Pistol’ Pete Maravich – Admittedly way before my time, but, spurred on by his awesome name, I sought out and watched clips of the man in action, and feel confident that he belongs in the company of the other four on this list. There are at least 3 or 4 Lakers that should rank above ‘Pistol’ Pete, but a) their names are not ‘Pistol’ and b) they’re Lakers.
Boom.
5) GaryShawn PaytonKemp. They were a singular force. Then cocaine played the role of Yoko, broke up the band and impregnated 25 women.
4) Isaiah Thomas. Broken ankle and then scores 25 more. fuck you.
3) LeGod James. FutureLoveBall. probably sent from the future to kill soccer.
2) Magic MotherFuckin Johnson. because he has one.
1) Oscar “The NBA Is Still Pissed I Organized A Union So I Never Get My Props” Robertson. In another life, ate Stalin with a Lenin jerky chaser.
5)Mel Gibson
4)That homeless guy in front of Jimmy’s liquor store
3)All of the Golden Girls
2)Bryant ‘Back-Country’ Reeves
1)God
Ha! Carol? I noticed you put the Golden Girls on your list. You can’t vote for yourself, ya old bat! Robby should tell you these things when you remove the ball-gag…
A basketball list? In Vancouver? Wow, I thought I was the only bball fan here…very exciting stuff Jay, except you put Michael Finley?! on your list, which destroys all your credibility…anyway…here is the definitive list:
5. Vince Carter – “Half Man / Half Amazing” before he became just half-man
4. Steve Nash – cool hair except when he shaved it and looked like Sinead O’Connor, and operates a really expensive sports club…oh and he won BACK TO BACK MVPs
3. Michael Jordan – you know, the guy who was responsible for drafting Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison
2. Hakeem “the dream” Olajuwon – can’t believe no one had him on this list. The “Dream Shake” was and still is the coolest and best move in basketball. Most dominant big man of all-time.
1. Yao Ming – would have brought multiple championships to my Rockets like the Dream did, if it weren’t for all the injuries…and he still can.