Nuv Smash Puny Marvel!

SHUT UP! What?! No! I Don’t…I don’t care if your pants are cold! That’s what happens when a grown man pisses himself repeatedly for…Look. If you don’t shut. The fuck. UP. I’m going to slap you with the Schumacher Stick again. STOP SNIVELLING! (THWAP) You happy now? Just, be still. You wanna buy yourself some more time, why don’t you explain to these fine folks how little you think of them? No? NO?! Ok. Fuck it. I’ll do it. Back goes the ball-gag. There we go. Just like an apple in the little piggy’s mouth. HAHAHAHAHA!! Ha. [wiping tears] Heh…Oh, man. Where was I? Oh, yeah. While I turn the spit, let me tell these people how we all ended up here…

Marvel Studios, now making movies in-house, release ‘Iron Man’ and tease ‘The Avengers.’ Hollywood firmly in Robert Downey Jr.’s Iron grip, and fanboys salivating at the prospect of crossovers, commonplace in comic books and quite the contrary in cinema. Mighty Marvel Studios begins role call, announcing the slate of upcoming solo films that will lead to and culminate in ‘The Avengers.’ Among them: ‘Ant-Man’ – he talks to ants, much like Aquaman talks to fish. [Said with an increasingly louder lispy whistle] “sssssSSuper!” Thankfully a) this never came up again, and b) this was not the only film announced. 2011 would bring us ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’ and ‘Thor.’ Along with Iron Man, Cap and Thor formed the brains, heart and soul of The Avengers, respectively. First up though, was the balls – ‘The Incredible Hulk.’

While ‘Iron Man’ was the first to lay seeds for ‘The Avengers,’ with the introductions of Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D., ‘Hulk’ would bring us the first actual bit of crossover in the form of a Downey cameo. That’s not the only thing it had going for it. It also had one of the premier actors of our generation and, depending whether you liked or loathed Ang Lee’s attempt at the franchise, either admirably filling Banner’s big-ass shoes, or at least, smashing the bad taste out of your mouths. Ed Norton, and the film, were awesome fun, capturing the feel of the comic book and the classic TV show while stomping a path all their own.

‘Iron Man 2,’ despite controversially recasting a major character in James Rhodes/War Machine, laid out a heaping amount of Avengers puzzle pieces. The Fandom stayed past the credits and popped Thunderous boners. The countdown had begun long ago, but now it felt real. I should’ve realized then and there that things were going too smoothly…

Marvel Studios’ President of Production and Raper of Dreams, Kevin Feige announced in a snippy,Twitter-bitch fashion, that Marvel would not be bringing back Edward “Fight Club/Primal Fear/Rounders/The People vs. Larry Flynt/American History X” Norton as Bruce Banner/Hulk in ‘The Avengers.’ Norton’s agent fired back. Finally Ed himself responded. Here are key excerpts from all three statements, in order of release. (Click them to read in their entirety.)

Kevin Feige: “Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members. The Avengers demands players who thrive working as part of an ensemble.”

Brian Swardstrom (Norton’s agent): “Counter to what Kevin implies here, Edward was looking forward to the opportunity to work with Joss and the other actors in the Avengers cast, many of whom are personal friends of his. Feige’s statement is unprofessional, disingenuous and clearly defamatory. Mr. Norton’s talent, tireless work ethic and professional integrity deserve more respect, and so do Marvel’s fans.”

Ed Norton: “I know this is disappointing to many people and that makes me sad. But I am very sincerely grateful to Marvel for extending the offer and even more so for giving me the chance to be a [part] of the Hulk’s long and excellent history…I grew up with Banner and Hulk and have been a fan of every incarnation. I’m really proud, and very blessed, to have been one of them and will be thrilled to see him live on through other actors. Hulk is bigger than all of us, that’s why we love him, right?”

Cue sad piano music…

Nuv: Hey. Kevin Feige. What’s your major malfunction, motherfucker? You had to throw years of planning and build-up and your company’s golden goose in harm’s way just to get a cheap shot in at Ed Norton?

Getting rid of him? Bad call. I don’t care if it was money-related, you should’ve paid whatever he wanted. Oh, I know you claim otherwise, but let’s be honest. It always comes down to money. And ‘The Avengers’ is going to make a lot of money. Making a movie about an all-star super-hero team with an all-star super-cast makes sense to me and (a bazillion) cents to you. And if it was what you implied, that Norton is controlling and difficult to work with, well, I’ve heard the rumours before. Fair enough. But if that is the case, why is the one point everyone agrees on that Ed and not-so-secret director Joss Whedon had a great meeting that they both left enthusiastic? Huh? I know the Terrence Howard/Don Cheadle swap gave you the idea. This isn’t War Machine, asshole. And you just switched from Eric Bana to Norton! You can’t recast the lead, in this short a time, TWICE. What are you, Joel Schumacher? Gonna give Downey’s armour nipples next? While you’re working on that, why don’t you get ‘em to add a set of nuts to your frame, Kevvy?

Now, we weren’t there to witness whatever landed Ed Norton in your bad books, so if you have a valid reason, fine. Still, the thinly-veiled mud slinging made you look like a complete fucktard, and Ed’s humble, appreciative letter to the fans, even if it was calculated, made him come out of all of this smelling like roses. Take note: you aren’t on a forum dickhead. You made yourself the mouth of Marvel’s movies, and right now, they’re coming across like lippy, bitter, childish pricks. If this was just business, sure, you’d still have fanboys grumble a bit, but I bet they would’ve eventually accepted whoever you cast, just like Cheadle, and moved on. Instead you made it personal. And in doing so, you may have accomplished something Loki, Kang and all of the Skrulls combined couldn’t. Something not pulled off since Rob Liefeld was handed the keys to the Avengers franchise. You most likely just made Marvel’s premier super-heroes look like shit. Congratu-fucking-lations.

I’m exaggerating of course. I’m still gonna see the movie. But if you’re not very careful from here on in, you might not. Because there’s something else you have in common with the Rob Liefelds and the Joel Schumachers: you’ve pissed off the entire fanbase you expect to anchor this film’s box office.

And trust me, Kevin. You wouldn’t like us when we’re angry.

– Nuv