You know, everybody has something, some taste (or distaste), some opinion, that when mentioned to a group of people will get you booed or laughed at. I believe it takes fortitude to a) voice those opinions b) stick to them when you’re being dangled over the dreaded “this might make you doubt our friendship/marriage” cliff and c) defend the opinion to the death, or at least to when people stop caring/paying attention. I will do my best to defend the following opinions without sputtering, or relying on the knee-jerk statement, “you guys just don’t agree because you’re scared to.” So, after much ado, here are my Top 5 Things I Hate That You Love.
5. 80s Pop Music
I am a child of the 80s (3-13 years old), but a teenager of the 90s, where it mattered most. Thank fucking god. Have you seen what the 80s can do to a person? It is the most heinous decade for holding people hostage, whether it’s via wardrobe, makeup, hair, vehicle selection or, most painfully, musical taste. Ask an 80s-head and they will get pained and diarrhea-faced, and launch into a monologue about how the “grunge movement” ruined music forever. Every single time, it’s brutal. I was swimming in that glorious lake of new sounds coming out of the Northwest, during the most influential time of my life, but I would NEVER dare suggest that’s as good as music ever got and ever will be. So, 75 bonus reasonable points to me. Also, the keyboard is not a substitute for any other instrument, 80s! But oh, evidently it was. And the person playing the keyboard had to be the most ridiculous looking member of the band. The thing I hate the most are the wankfests of the era, the number one offender being the 2:17 mark of Computer Blue. This breakdown represents everything I hate about this era of sound. I do like a fair amount of 80s songs, mostly metal mozzarella and some English mope-foppery. But, BUT I would never intentionally listen to them. Never make a playlist. It’s just not my thing, and the retro-nostalgia-tongue-in-cheek-irony people employ to justify loving this shit is OLD.
4. Goat cheese & Skor bars
You have no idea how much scoffing I’ve endured for these two hates. Let’s start with the cheese. It’s fucking sour. If I wanted the taste of Sour Patch Kids spread on a cracker, I would do just that. And it would be much cheaper to do. The love for goat cheese exploded around these here parts in potluck-style gatherings a few years ago. That and hummus, always overrunning the food table like smug dingholes, full of narrow specific flavours, and sneering disdainfully at the struggling veggie tray. So, I tried it. Hated it. Faked not hating it. Then kept that opinion hidden for a while because I had never met anybody who wasn’t gasping and clutching their pearls about how heavenly this was spread on an $8 squirrel nutmeg cracker. Last year I’d had enough. I told everybody loud and proudly I’d take a Kraft single and a slap in the face over a wedge of goat cheese. I didn’t care who knew. I was tired of pretending to be an adult with a sophisticated palate. If something tastes like the top of the garbage, I’m done pretending it’s the edible second coming of Christ. Now, Skor. This one pisses me off. Skor tries to play itself off like simple sophistication, but really it’s just simple. The cousin you don’t talk to at the family reunion. Sophistication is not found in 7-11. You eat it and immediately forget what you ate. Skor blizzards are even worse because it’s diluting the nothing into white ice cream. HOW FUCKING DELICIOUS. Come on. Nuv’s counter to this is I’m wrong because I like Tootsie Rolls and can handily down an Eat-More, the bar invented for Dads, once a year. I say nay. I wouldn’t defend a tootsie roll or even have it whipped into a creamy dessert. But Skor lovers get all “whaaattttt, pffffft” verklempt-y about it when you dare suggest their favourite bar is an edible version of the Emperor’s New Clothes. I love chocolate and I love toffee. There are 1,000 better ways to pair them. Find another way.
Edible runners-up: Carrots – so sweet they should be fruit & Raisins – the quickest way to ruin a baked good.
3. A Day At The Beach
(Deep breath) So, where do I: poop, pee, eat sanitarily without that spine-shuddering grit-crunch, get clean, get the sand out of my eyes and out between my toes, buy a bathing suit that hides 85% of my body and buy sunscreen that will protect my blown glass skin? How do I: get comfortable, because you start on your stomach thinking this time it won’t make your back do that siezeFUCK attack, but moments later, you’re stuck laying on your back the rest of the day, or sitting cross-legged staring at what happens when your thighs get squished under you. I hate: sand fleas, the mid-day sun creeping around the edges of your sunglasses, beach volleyball, the setting up of a spot that takes forever and no matter how carefully you shake out that towel or blanket before you lay it down, somehow it has accumulated 7,000 grains of sand by the time you settle down. After the day at the beach you are: tired like you ran six marathons when all you really did was sit and watch people with better bodies than you romp or read six pages of a book before you couldn’t find a comfortable way of holding it, or you have sun stroke, or a sunburn that makes pooping the most uncomfortable three minutes of your life that night. So, no, I don’t want to go to the beach today.
2. The Opening Night of A Movie
Stress, stress, stress. Lineups, being late, shows selling out, having to sit a nose hair away from the screen, saving seats and crushing people’s dreams, all the goddamn teenagers who will see anything that their age allows, the annoying couples who just had four Earl’s margaritas and MUSTTOUCHEACHOTHER or comment something terribly non-important after each scene because they want me to seethe and burn behind them, but not say anything, just in case one of them has a weapon and I get Nuv killed and I CANNOT RAISE THIS KID ALL BY MYSELF. Talking in movies has ceased being OK. Talking in movie theatres is the new smoking on planes. It should be punishable by law. A monetary fine OR a 1 year ban from the theatre. I’m over it. I will wait for the following Sunday afternoon. Perfect. Me and the Grammas and our brought-from-home snacks. Love this.
1. Talia Shire in ‘The Godfather’
This is one of the worst pieces of acting I have ever seen. And that says a lot being in a trilogy that boasts the much maligned “acting” debut of Sofia Coppola. Nuv flat out rejects this opinion. Do you wanna guess how infuriating that is? I have seen a lot of movies. I have even seen this movie many times, and I’m not even a re-watcher. So, I have watched this performance many times. I know what good acting is. I know what bad acting is. I know what over the top, shrill, melodramatic, terrible line readings are. This is that. This performance, this dirty hole in an otherwise impeccable movie, deserves to be shit on just as much as poor Sofia, who at least shook it off by directing some incredible movies. Talia at least gave the world her son Jason Schwartzman, who I love. But this, this “performance” is fucking terrible. Somebody out there must agree.
Eat-More!
This is hands-down the best article that has ever appeared on Review 2 a Kill.
I disagree with Ian’s comment; this is the most ill-informed article on R2AK ever. I can’t believe that one article could trash everything fun in life (music, food, movies, beaches). What’s next? You’re hatred for sleeping, breathing and going to the bathroom?
80’s pop music – Maybe it’s due to my love for Hughes’ movies, Michael J. Fox, buddy cop movies etc… but they all had 80’s pop songs in them that I can’t help but take extreme joy from the nostalgia that reminds me of the movies the songs were in. If you’re telling me that you don’t love “Don’t You Forget About Me” or Jan Hammer’s “Crocket’s Theme”, you’re a damned liar.
Goat Cheese – Until you start eating like a human (dirty Celiac) and develop a cultured palate, I think you should stop writing about food. I’m sorry it’s not super processed and artificial like Cheese Whiz and Velveeta. Goat cheese is awesome. It can save salads, meat and is an amazing saviour for lactose intolerant people. That’s all there is to it. Skor bars are gross, though. (1 point for you)
Day at the beach – Public bathrooms, and public showers to answer you question. Get over it. Get outside. Throw a frisbee or a football. Go for a swim. Have some freaking fun. You can always go home afterwards and clean up if you’re too afraid of public facilities.
Opening night of a movie – I guess you have to be a movie lover to understand that the reward is worth the pain. People are annoying, but you have to take the good with the bad. Buy tickets with your phone. That’s why “there’s an app for that.”
Talia Shire – As mentioned above, you have to be a movie lover to get it. If you ever trash the Godfather again in any way, I will find you and punish you.
This is going to go down grade 7 dance style, with guys on one side and people with vaginas on the other…
Pig, I’m with you wholeheartedly on almost everything…
Goat’s Cheese – I’m not very cheese-adventurous. (Hence my low tolerance for Ian)
Skor – That’s ok though. As you don’t eat chocolate, I don’t know that your chocolate bar opinions have much merit.
And rest assured, as far as the Godfather slander, you can leave the punishing to me. Miss Teen USSR and I will be re-enacting the rest of the scene in the above picture when I get home…
Using my good name to justify the worst decade in the history of music? Shame on you sir! I’m rolling over in my grave AS WE SPEAK.
80’s pop- Fuckin rad. Are you using 80’s pop as code in hating a Haddow, because how can you go for a long drive with a Haddow and inevitably hear one singing out loud and rockin a fierce air guitar and not love that shit?
Goat Cheese- Love that shit. It took a couple of tries, and much like blue cheese it took getting use to it to appreciate it, but once you learn to like it, you learn to love it.
Scor Bars- Mint Oreo and Scor Bar blizzard, what! Eat that then eat your words.
Day at the beach- For someone who can thoroughly enjoy sitting and reading, and or sitting back watching and ripping on strangers, then how do you not like the beach? Just because you throw like a chick that just got back from three years on a space station, doesn’t mean the beach sucks. Don’t like public facilities, piss in the water, do the rest at home. (p.s. babies love the beach)
Opening night at a movie- Crowds of excited people super pumped for a movie you’ve been pumped for too. I think the biggest bonus of going to the movie theaters is the experience of seeing a movie with a lot of people; and if that means dealing with a few over excited, then so be it. There’s an energy to it, the anticipation, the joint reactions of fright or laughter, the snacks, the bigness of it all. All of those things are bigger on opening night (maybe not the snacks, but you get it). Yes opening night brings out the freaks, but that’s the draw. You don’t want to hear someone say something at a movie, you got a problem with black people or something? Woman, you’re gettin old. Watch your movies at home, with the headphones on, and the broom at the ready to bang on the ceiling.
Talia Shire in ‘The Godfather’- Yes she looks like a brat throwing a tantrum, but that was the point. I don’t know if you’ve beaten your wife lately, but you would be surprised how well the Godfather got it.
Loving the 80’s AND Grunge is not mutually exclusive my friend! The one thing that could topple my being Vegan is probably Goat Cheese, I remember it with fondness. The rest of it bang on! I just remember skor bars sticking to my teeth, having the opening night movie line up being cut off right when I hit front of the line or the movie sucking after the painfully long wait! And the Godfather don’t get it must be a boy thing!
The only thing I agree with is how gross Skor Bars are. Not even Blizzards save them in my opinion. The rest of this list is straight crap! I could rant about each topic but instead here’s my list of things I hate that you love:
5) Babies
4) Talking to people on the phone for longer than 5 minutes
3) Angsty Punk Music
2) Nuv
1) US Weekly
Point of order! It’s in MY contract to openly hate Nuv on this site.
Hey, Jay & Ian.
Do your beards velcro together when you make out?
Well, that explains why I like Eat-Mores . . . Um, thanks for that?
I despise carrots!!!
Love goats cheese!
Hate Star Wars… you said nothing about S.W but I figured I’d write something that may get me hated… it’s a good Monday thing to do.