[Editor's Note: In the event that any of these predictions are wildly off, Nuv reserves the right to deny their existence and/or blame them on the football withdrawal.]
The Colts and Saints will still be Immovable Objects and Unstoppable Forces. They may also be the ones to shake this so-called “Super Bowl Hangover,” without losing the groom and waking up next to a tiger, though chances are they will still get punched by Mike Tyson, and face-fucked by Naked Ken Jeong. Bob Sanders is injured during the season opener coin toss.
Bill Belichick will ban the numbers 4 and 2 from being spoken in his locker room, punishing offenders with Darth Vader’s patented Force-choke. Doug Flutie and Adam Vinatieri will file restraining orders after finding Bill lurking in their backyards yelling at their old Patriots’ jerseys.
Brett Favre will resign from the Vikings and retire.
The Cowboys and Chargers will continue to be trumpeted as teams to watch and named as teams to beat, and will still crumble spectacularly come January. The kick that removes the Cowboys from the Playoffs is actually a re-kick. The initial attempt was blocked by their oversized penis-placebo mid-field TV. Justice!
Vince Young will lead the Titans to an 8-0 start, but new best friend JaMarcus Russell will peer pressure him into drinking Lysol, and tell him that Finnegan was killed on Mr. Dressup to teach Casey and the young audience about death. Vince will call in “sad” for the remainder of the season. Jeff Fisher will pull off the Colts jersey under his Titans jersey to reveal a Titans jersey that is over top of another Colts jersey. Teenagers around the world will drop acid and come view the infinite loop that is created, convinced that, if viewed at a certain angle, Jeff’s torso will reveal God. Or Spider-Man eating his own ass.
Jacksonville will remain the shittiest team with the coolest coach since Jon Gruden parted ways with the Bucs. Speaking of whom, the Raiders and Bucs will get the chance to have a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVII – on the PS3, 360 or Wii when Madden NFL 11 comes out August 10.
Brett Favre will un-retire.
The Giants will travel back in time and erase last season from everyone’s minds, playing like the Road Warriors of the 2007-2008 season. They will, however, have to play coachless against the Eagles on December 26, because Santa will borrow red-faced spazz Coughlin to sub in for Rudolph, and Ol’ Tommy’s all tuckered out. It’s okay. The Eagles will be playing quarterback-less, as Vick will be fired when caught masturbating to the ending of ‘Old Yeller,’ and Cowboy Leonard Davis will mistake Kevin Kolb for corn-on-the-cob. The Redskins will become the new Eagles. A constant, intimidating, but ultimately empty, threat.
Just kidding. I call a late-November implosion in Cincinnati, leaving nothing but a pile of unpaid NFL fines, sunglasses soaked in the Tear-waters of Insanity and an E! Network mini-series detailing the destruction. Oh, you think they’re going to repeat as AFC North champs? Come on! They’re the Bengals! Their uniforms look like a ‘mature’ slut’s underwear…
Ray Lewis and Ed Reed (who intimidates his hip into healing in time for kickoff) will make at least 27 opposing players, and a few of their own teammates, shit their pants. (Warning: stool may contain pieces of cleat, and therefore may be unsafe to eat. Mangini.) The Steelers, meanwhile will lure the Browns into a bar bathroom stall, introduce them to their namesake, and have their way with them there, mirroring what will happen on the field. Also, Omar Epps will finally be caught in a phone booth halfway through his transformation into Mike Tomlin. Lois Lane will be heard remarking, “See? I’m not that dumb! At least Clark obscures his face with glasses and hides the S-curl!”
Brett Favre will re-retire
Lawrence Taylor will be convicted, but his charges will be reversed when the accuser reveals that she just got mad at him when she saw what he did to that nice quarterback at the beginning of ‘The Blind Side.’
Rex Ryan will once more talk a gang of shit, as the Jets ride Revis’ coattails into being on the verge of a playoff berth, but with no one willing to slap the fans in the face this time, a victory will not be gift wrapped and placed under their tree this holiday season. L.T. will have a tantrum and storm off the field because “It isn’t fair! I hate all of you!” Don’t worry, Texans. You’ll still find a way to be with your families watching the post-season on TV.
The 49ers and the Packers will finally deliver on their long-promised promise, and have really good seasons, though not quite good enough. Still, they will be playoff mainstays for the next four or five years. Replace ‘49ers,’ ‘Packers,’ ‘finally’ and both instances of ‘good’ in the first sentence with ‘Bears,’ ‘Broncos,’ ‘fail to’ and ‘shitty.’ Then replace ‘Bears’ and ‘Broncos’ with ‘Seahawks’ and ‘Falcons.’ You can leave ‘shitty’ in place, though…
The Lions and Rams will make HUGE strides this year, and move in ranking all the way from 30 and 32, to 28 and, inexplicably, 39. 29-31 will be occupied, respectively, by the butterknife-sharp Chiefs, the bland “could use some Pepper” Panthers and the now God-less Cardinals.
Everybody will go back to not caring about the Cardinals.
Brett Favre will un-re-retire, and return to the Vikings.