Ian: Well, we just got back from seeing ‘The Expendables‘ and now we’re having our watermelon and sitting down to write a review for you, our loyal readers. So Venus, maybe we should talk a bit about why we saw this movie and not ‘Eat, Pray, Love‘ instead.
Venus: Because ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ doesn’t have the sexy gun show, aka Jason Statham, like ‘The Expendables’ does. Ian?
Ian: Sure, I may refer to the Statham as “Bulky McNumbnuts” around our apartment, but the man is a goddamn dreamboat, and everyone knows that! Everyone also knows that back in July the call-to-arms went out to pick a side. You can either enlist with the Oprah army, or grow some nuts and go see a bunch of manly men do what they do best. BLOW SHIT UP!!!
Venus: In classic/cliché sausage-party, bro-show style there is the main guy (Sylvester Stallone), his bestest buddy (Statham), the rest of the crew including token minorities, a loose cannon and a script that doesn’t make a damn lick of sense.
Ian: It totally doesn’t! It’s all “Oh, there’s some CIA type guy and, um, oh yeah! He’s gone ROGUE! And now there’s something about drugs and some girl who’s, uhhhhhh, oh yeah, she’s a dictator’s daughter, and Stallone says he’ll go back to save the island aaaaaaaaaand KA-BLOOEY!”
Venus: Also the most effort I’ve ever seen go into blowing up a dock. After a narrow escape by float plane, Stallone and Statham circle back, Statham pops up from a small hatch on the very front end of the plane and proceeds to machine gun a whole crapload of soldiers before crop dusting half the marina with gas and exploding the entire dock STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!
Ian: Straight to hell! And his sunglasses don’t even fall off! But let’s face it. This movie is an homage to the 1980’s action film genre, and most of those movies had scripts that provided one thing: a basic road map to ultra violence! So when you read reviews (and you will) saying that the story is kinda flimsy, well of course it is! It was written by Sylvester Stallone for frick sake! But at the end of the day the central theme is dudes raising hell!
Venus: And that they do. The action is slow to start while they ‘set up’ the story but then it’s shit exploding while people get stabbed… kinda like the Celebration of Light, but with less drunks.
Ian: And way less douche-bags from Surrey. You have to hand it to ‘The Expendables’ though, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an action movie where so many people get hit by flying knives (courtesy of your boyfriend) as I did in this one.
Venus: All sorts of manly fighting styles, but I have to say Statham DID have the most grace out of all of them. Him and Jet Li.
Ian: I thought the whole thing was surprisingly well choreographed, especially considering that Stallone is 64 years old and Dolph Lundgren is 53. Either through the wonders of modern editing, or by the fact that all of the actors in the film are in phenomenal shape, everyone looks super awesome throughout. Sure, the physical beating they take is completely ridiculous, but no more ridiculous than any other action movie they’ve ever been in.
Venus: Mmmm… super beefy man-cake…..
Ian: Awkward! This is why we don’t get to write reviews together very often. This movie was full of strange and funny parts though, do you have a favourite? Mine had to have been Mickey Rourke’s bizarre speech about “a mercenary’s regret” and “doing the right thing” in the tattoo shop he runs. It’s the only time the script calls for any real acting and it’s so out of place that you have to try not to laugh.
Venus: I couldn’t get past the fact that they had David Zayas from ‘Dexter‘ playing the military dictator. I kept thinking, “Batista! Batista, what are you doing? Get back to Miami Metro!”
Ian: I thought he was from Cuba?! Anyhoo, what else can you say about this movie? It’s a summer blockbuster that does exactly what a summer blockbuster should do. It takes your ten bucks and shows you what a budget of $80 million can buy. My guess is that at least $70 million of that was spent on stuff that goes SHA-BOOOOOOM!!
Venus: And the rest was spent on BEEF CAKE (see our bonus gallery below!)
– The Explosivos
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