Superman: Secret Origin

From the notes of Detective S. Bradley: “…the following document is a transcript of audio taken from a security tape that appears to have captured some of the events that lead up to the incident…”

EXHIBIT A

Nuv: …so before we get into our usual pattern of cutthroat bickering, I just want to say, all jokes aside, it’s been a blast working with you, and contrary to my many “Ian = A-Hole” diatribes, you’ve been a worthy partner.

Ian: …What’s the catch here?

Nuv: Nothing. I’m serious.

Ian: Get the fuck out of here. Is this one of your hare-brained schemes? Or are you dying, or born-again or some shit? A.A., making amends? Is this like that comic you told me about where notorious douchebag Guy Gardner got hit in the head and transformed from an asshole into a gentle dumb-ass for a handful of issues?

Nuv: No, man. I’m just trying to be real. You’re a great writer, and it’s been an honour and a privilege talking comics with you. You bring out the best in me, and for once, I’m not going to kick you in the face for it.

Ian: I’m not sold yet, but fuck it. Let’s give this a whirl. You go first.

Nuv: Ok. This week, we’ll be taking a look at the freshly completed Superman: Secret Origin. A six issue mini-series from this generation’s definitive Superman team, Geoff Johns and Gary Frank. First question: despite the talent involved, is yet another origin story even necessary? What do you think, chum?

Ian: …You’re kinda creepin’ me out. Anyways – not to be mean (in the spirit of our ‘truce’), but this has to be the most unnecessary Superman story ever told. I mean, let’s face it; everyone knows Superman’s basic history and there aren’t enough extra details in this version to make this anywhere near “Secret” or “worth paying money for.” Martha Kent stuffed a spaceship crystal into the intergalactic DVD player and saw how the people on Krypton dressed (read: veeeeery questionably), and based Clark’s Superman uniform on those designs. Clark Kent’s glasses protect his teenage smoochin’ partners from having their heads incinerated. Um, okay. This is all stuff that the average reader might not know about the Man of Steel, but as a whole it’s a little mundane.

And also, did anyone else notice that there was no coherent pacing throughout the series? Book One had Clark as a child in Smallville. A good start and pretty much what everyone was expecting. Then Two had him whisked off with some wack-ass superhero kids from the 30th Century. “Bad news!” says the green guy, “You kids maybe wrecked the space-time continuum!” Anyways, it doesn’t matter because Clark got a dog in a spaceship. Fast forward to Three where, in Metropolis, an adult Clark is getting rooked by a janitor for his sandwich. The real winner, however, is Lois’ short skirt. In Four Lex Luthor gets his mad on. Five features Thunderbolt Ross OOPS! I mean Lois’ father General Sam Lane getting HIS mad on. That’s TWO people mad at Superman in the same six-issue run. And the big pay-off of Six comes when a) Lois rocks those tight pants and b) Superman flies that guy who was bugging him up into space so that he passes out and stops fussin.’ Hey, it worked when Spider-Man did it to Hulk, so why not give it a go?

…Have you been staring at me the whole time? What the hell are you doing? And how have you not interrupted me with some cockamamie rant yet? I’m talkin’ shit about your boy, here!

Nuv: The answer to all of your questions – I’m listening! I’m not bothered by what you’re saying. Oh, I disagree, but you’re perfectly entitled to your (very valid) opinions. Also…

Ian: …the fuck?!

Nuv: Oh, sorry. Were you still talking? I didn’t mean to interrupt…

Ian: No. I was done. Go ahead.

Nuv: Thanks!! I see how you might think the pacing was off. To me, it read like a really in-depth flashback, so it was structured as such, zipping through his formative years, stopping for stuff we needed to know for this particular story. Also, while the eras it covered have been done before, we saw the moments in between the moments we’ve seen before. Each issue gave us an important facet in Clark’s development, as well as key relationships in his life. Book One was the discovery of his powers and heritage and, for us, how alone he feels. Two, in turn, shows Clark he’s really not alone, via The Legion and Krypto, as well as foreshadowing his future with actual peers, like the JLA. Three gave us the importance of his secret identity with his De Niro-level performance as a very Christopher Reeve-esque Clark Kent, as well as Lois, the rest of the Daily Planet, and Superman’s debut. Four introduces Supes to super-villainy. Five starts tying everything together and sets our hero against things he can’t just punch into defeat. Six ties all those loose plot threads into a nice bow, and shows us the moment Superman becomes the guy that everyone looks to for answers, showing us why he inspires everyone around him. Johns ties in every incarnation of Superman over 70 years into one, definitive version that is reminiscent of them all, and then looks at that Superman from a different camera angle. No surprise, I’m sure, but I loved Superman: Secret Origin. And really, even if I had found the writing lacking, Gary Frank’s art is untouchable!

Ian: The art is pretty friggin’ sweet. Frank really did a nice job and I definitely think this is one of the best looking books since Tim Sale drew Superman: For All Seasons back in 1998. There was a lot of fanboy “waaa-waaa” when this book started coming out a little bit late, but when you consider the quality of the art and the length of each Book (they were all double sized), it’s definitely forgivable. Oh, and the fact that Frank pays tribute by basing his Superman design on Christopher Reeve makes me love it even more. Here’s a “Secret Origin” about Ian Explosivo: I once lived a couple of blocks away from the St. Louis Hotel in Calgary where even Superman got shitfaced.

Nuv: Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!

Ian: What are you laughing at?

Nuv: Nothing. Heh. You’re just funny!! (Puts two thumbs up)

Ian: Uhhh…Ok, man. Whatever.

Nuv: Heh. (Wipes tears) Anyways, I guess another thing to keep in mind, is just because we know the Superman story inside and out, doesn’t mean there isn’t a whole new generation out there discovering him for the first time. And if I was looking to hand them their first Superman comic, THIS is what I would hand them.

Ian: I suppose. Maybe I’m the wrong guy to ask. I’m not really a “Superman guy.” I guess my main problem is the same as it always is with Superman. Lex Luthor is a cardboard, one-sided jerk-off character that Superman should just throw into the sun (when no one is looking, of course) and be done with him. How many times can you allow one man to put innocent people in danger as a means to the ultimate goal of killing YOU? It’s idiotic! I mean, Batman has the same problem with the Joker, but at least the Joker has other interests. He doesn’t just sit around planning world domination and trying to figure out how to kill Batman. Lex Luthor is, has always been, and will only ever be, a one-trick pony and it’s completely aggravating to read.

Nuv: Like your portions of this article?

Ian: What?!

Nuv: You didn’t really buy all that “respect” and “adoration” I threw your way did you? Oh, I was telling the truth when I said you “bring out the best in me.” How could you not? I’m like Mr. Universe standing next to a feces sculpture. You puny dirtbag. All you do is complain about the state of things, never using your ability to change the things you complain about. You just blame me. Or Marvel. Or ‘The Man.’ Remind you of anyone? Don’t you get it? YOU’RE my Lex Luthor. You’re a bald, jealous little prick that can’t fathom why everyone likes the handsome, infinitely superior specimen floating just above you. Your defining characteristic is how much you hate me. Do you get it? Your defining trait revolves around ME. Mine has nothing to do with you. Be your own man. Maybe one day you’ll get respect and adoration that’s real. This? This was just a ruse to see how long it would take to get you into this hamster wheel and watch you run in place for my own amusement. Congratu-fucking-lations. You actually lasted 624 words. In closing: Ian = A-Hole.

Ian: Oh that’s just IT! That…I mean…you… Gaw! I’m gonna! Arf! Arf! Grrr!

Nuv: …the fuck?!

Ian: Okay, buster! You want Lex Luthor? You want a NEMESIS?! You got him! Except not your chump ass Inspector Gadget / Dr. Claw-league schemer and ultimate failer. NO! I’m doing what I should have done a year ago! Rockin’ it like your Mom, quick and dirty!

Nuv: Wha- What the hell are you doing?!

[BANG! BLAM! GUNSHOT NOISES! POW!]

Nuv: Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Ian: Kneel before Ian, bitchface! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

From the notes of Detective S. Bradley: “Tape becomes garbled and unintelligible at this point. Audio technicians are working to decipher the few undamaged snippets…victim was found clutching the following pages, which appear to have been torn from the back of a copy of the August 25th-released DC comic book ‘Superman/Batman #75.’ The pages were all part of the back-up short stories, but out of sequence, and some pages were skipped. Perhaps the pages chosen hold some clue as to what actually caused this tragedy…”

EXHIBIT B

THE END?

NEXT ISSUE: IS THIS THE END OF THE BIG TWO? NUV, NO MORE?! IAN FLIES SOLO!!
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME IAN-CHANNEL…