That’s right people, the big dawg of pro sports is coming back for one more season before finally hangin’ ‘em up. No, not Brett Favre, well, yeah, him too, but I actually meant his glorious stage, the whole National League, which is staring a lockout right in its greedy face.
She’s also cheesed right off because you had cheated on her with some other swarthy whore named football for a month. And she wasn’t even hot. But she knows that on September 9th, you’ll come groveling to her cleat wearin’ feet, 6 pack in one hand, pizza in the other, swearing you’ll make it up to her. Being the understanding partner she is, you’ll be forgiven… But be ready to spend 5 months in the doghouse, paying extra attention every day to the little things, even if it doesn’t interest you (P.S. She also knows you’ve been flirting with C.F.L. and her slutty friend M.L.B.). So forget about choosing what you want to do on the weekend, because Sunday is officially HER day. Oh, and usually Monday. Sometimes Thursday. Just be prepared to be her bitch until February, cuz if you don’t play your cards right, this spring, she just might up an leave you for that fat rich douchebag with a Bentley that has “owners” on its vanity plates and a big ol’ pinky ring that reads C.B.A. Even though you’re gonna have to hear tons of incessant nagging and listen to every little story about work, the good news is, there’s tons of them that will actually hold your attention every week, even have you asking for details. Never thought you’d hear that, did ya?
Contract holdouts are the new black as countless players who had one good season last year want perennial all-pro money. If they get it and suck a few games into the season, can the owner holdout on a few game checks? Jets all-pro cornerback Darrelle Revis won’t play unless he gets “50 cents more” than the Raiders Nnamdi Asomugha (highest paid d-back in the league). Hey, just because Oakland owner Al Davis has dementia, doesn’t mean N.Y. should suffer. Plus Al thought he was paying $15 million per year for ALL his cornerbacks.
T.O. and Ochocinco said get the popcorn ready and watch Batman and Robin this year. Last time I checked, that was the worst film of the franchise. Eagles trade Donovan McNabb to their division rival Redskins. I’m gonna feel so dirty cheering for Washington twice this year, but not as dirty as new starting QB Kevin Kolb will after stomping out bags of flaming dog shit on his porch in the near future. Titans RB Chris Johnson still thinks 2,500 rushing yards in possible. Somebody’s taking his Xbox play a little to seriously. Bronco’s rookie QB “The Stormin’ Mormon” Tim Tebow still has the highest selling jersey in the league. I guess God IS a football fan. Somebody get Utah a franchise. New Raiders QB Jason Campbell has people around the league talking playoffs for the first time since reaching the Super Bowl in 2002. Seriously. Shut up you guys, stop laughing.
Now go in your room and start pleasuring your N.F.L. Trust me, she’s gonna make it up to you.
- Balls out
