Top 5 Goddamn I hope you sh*t the bed this season!
5. Kevin Kolb, QB, Philidelphia Eagles
Sorry bro, it’s nothing personal. I should be saying the offense, or the passing game, or the fans, but you’re the one taking the job of the greatest Eagles QB ever, so it’s doom by association. Donovan McNabb had another Pro-Bowl caliber season, and it still wasn’t good enough, but then again neither was 4 straight NFC Championship games and a Superbowl appearance. Forget the season Kev, you’d better start worryin’ about October 3rd, cuz D-Mac’s been waitin’ for revenge since he got booed on draft day. Don’t put up no brick bruh.
4. Vincent Jackson, WR, San Diego Chargers
In true new-school fashion, another previously unheard of player has a break-out season and wants to get paid like he’s been doin’ it for years. This jag-off is even threatening to sit out the season if he doesn’t get the long-term deal he wants. Maybe someone should send in his momma to smack him in his stupid head cuz he seems to be forgetting a few things:
A) PERENIAL Pro bowl Left Tackle Marcus McNeil is tryin’ to pull the same sh*t and a great LT is more important.
B) He’s tryin’ to win a game of roshambo with the smarmy, iron-balled A.J. Smith, who just finished making 3 time All-Pro Shawn Merriman cry uncle for basically chump change.
C) The other 2 aren’t SUSPENDED FOR THE FIRST 3 GAMES OF THE SEASON for violating the leagues substance abuse policy. Ass.
3. Randy Moss, WR, New England Patriots
Waaaaaaahhh!!! Why did my sister Tom get a contract extension and I didn’t? You love him more don’t you? Yes baby Randy, they do. They also know you wouldn’t have been able to eat as much if he didn’t feed you. But don’t worry little one, we know it’s a contract year so you’ll try twice as hard to feed yourself like you always do around that time… Oh, and for the record Randina, you’ll always have a place on this list, just for being you. XOXO
2. Albert Haynesworth, DL, Washington Redskins
After a league MVP-caliber season with the Titans, he leaves Tennessee, says no to Tampa Bays $120 million offer but still gets a $100 million contract with Daniel Snyder’s evil empire (in how they buy, not how they win) the Washington Redskins. Then he and the team proceed to have a so-so season, prompting Dannyboy to buy the services of 2-Time Champion Mike Shanahan. Honeymoon officially OVER. Not wanting to play nose tackle in a 3-4 defence, Big Al doesn’t report to camp, and requests a trade, slapping his teammates, who are also adjusting, in the face. After realizing he won’t get that fat stack unless he played, he shows up…SUPRISE out of shape. Knowing his new coach and now his d-linemates hate him, he does the “noble” thing and waits until he gets his $20 million, August 31st bonus he gets just for showin’ up, then immediately goes cryin’ back to the Titans screaming “Uncle Fisher, the bad man touched me where my moneybag covers!”
1. Ben Rothlisberger, QB, Pittsburgh Steelers
Not only is he the president of the douche-bag club for athletes, he’s also a client. When you’re on the cover of a magazine which contains tons of personal accounts from media (got the finger, etc…), waitresses (stiffed, or walked out on tabs), or college girls (thinks “no” is Georgian for “yes”), then it stops being hearsay and officially becomes fact. Sh*t fella, even your teammates decided to not name you a captain this year. Poor guy, can’t believe they only reduced your suspension of 6 games by 2 games instead of 3. Oh, I know Benny, rapists get such a bad rap.
And what’s the public wishing for this season:
Dallas Cowboys WIN!- Ooooooh, the Superbowl’s in Dallas this season! It’s destiny! This is definitely their year! Ummm, it wasn’t gonna be in Dallas last year. Or the year before that. Or the year before that…..
Brett Favre FAIL!- Let it go people. You ALL loved talking about him, good OR bad. You coulda’ changed the channel or plugged your ears and yelled “lalalalalalala!” I hope the greatest warrior of all time goes out in style, cuz you’ll feel like a dick if it’s in a body-bag.
– Balls out
