In an N.F.L. year when kid’s are bein’ crowned kings before they’re prince’s, and trophies are handed out BEFORE the race, I dare ask you so-called professional sports pundits…What thuh FFFFF*CK makes you think THAT?!?!
Ballers and ballettes, I give you…
Don’t-don’t-don’t-don’t- DON’T BELIEVE THA HYPE!!! (whohooahahaha)
5. Mike Martz, Offensive coordinator, Chicago Bears
QB Jay Cutler, Mr. Million Dollar arm/ 5 cent head, single handedly lost games all over the place last season, so they bring in Martz, proprietor of the most complex, confusing playbook in the league, as the the savior for a brutal offense. Funny thing is, they all said the same thing in Detroit, San Fran, and the last few years in St. Louis. Notice a pattern? Sorry homeboy, everyone figured your shit out by 2003.
4. N.Y. Jets
This was the beginning of a new fad in the “copycat” league. Say it enough times and it MUST be true. Rex Ryan claims it was just a way to deflect all the attention towards him, but even though he’s rotund enough to catch most of it, now everyone’s after your team’s ass. Oh yeah, and where the F*CK do you get off thinkin’ dirty Sanchez is a franchise QB? Broadway Joe would roll over in his keg! What the…did I just hear Derrelle Revis’ hammy pop? Or was that Kris Jenkins’ knee? Anyway, I’m just gonna go ahead and try your little trick here. Ready? TheRaiderswillwinTheSuperBowl.TheRaiderswillwinTheSuperBowl.TheRaiderswillwinTheSuperBowl…
3. Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay Packers
F*ck Peyton! Piss on Drew! C.J.? Wasn’t that the titty bitch from Baywatch? It’s aaaallll about the sporting world’s new A-Rod for League M.V.P.!!! F*ckin’ unanimous y’all, ain’t ya heard? Once again, people are taking their fantasy football stats waaay too seriously. Across the board, the consensus #1 Q.B. is Rodgers, simply because he seems to get better each year, but so did Matt Hasselbeck 4 years after holding a clipboard for Brett Favre, and I think we know how that spiral down has gone since the absence of a Seattle ground game. Homey got sssmashed. But don’t worry about that, cuz Rogers has a workhorse RB Ryan Gra…hey, wait! Why is Grant pogo-stickin’ on one leg to the locker room! Gone for the season?!? Run, Aaron!!! Ruuuuuuuun!!!…….
I was just gonna write “see #3″, but that would be as lazy as copying everyone else by picking either the Packers or Cowboys to play the Ravens or Colts in the big game on February 6. If all the cool kids jumped off a cliff, would you? Effin’ sheep. Anyway, I thought I’d be a little more specific, albeit obvious, that besides the fact that Aaron Rodgers is STILL Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay are still the SAME DAMN PACKERS they were last year, you know, that wild-card team? And as much as I love Charles Woodson, he has less of a chance of being the Defensive Player of the Year-type game changer again as Rodgers does of being the Offensive one this go-round. Notice I didn’t mention their 2nd best O and D players are donesies for the year? Didn’t have to. I was gonna say this sh*t in August.
Damn y’all, Jerry Jones got you by the short ones goooood, don’t he? Man, this one was easier than the Jets and Packers thing combined! All he had to do was construct this monstrosity of a stadium, then go to the league and say “There! Biggest thang in Texas! Now gimmegimmegimme!” And POOF! He gets the Superbowl the next damn year. Then all he has to do is put together a worse team than the last couple years, then tell all you still-livin’-in-the-90’s suckers enough times that this is some destiny shit, and POOF! All of a sudden he’ll be on the sidelines at the big dance, playin’ catch with Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin. Sorry Jerry. Even though you’re as big of a dick as Kevin Costner, just cuz you build it, don’t mean they’ll come.
P.S. All you crystal ball-packin’ pie-heads who had San Francisco and Miami in the Superbowl? F*ck you man, don’t come to my party.
– Balls out
