Ballers and Ballettes, the track you’ve aaaall been waiting for! The ballad of the New England Patriots…..
What goes around comes around Remix a.k.a. Ain’t karma a bitch!!!
(Justin Timberlake F/ D-Branch, R-Moss and T-Pain)
Ahhh, the level of arrogance from anyone who is involved with the New England Patriots is TRULY something to behold. Tom Brady’s favourite receiver (before he started dating Randy Moss), Deion Branch gets the M.V.P. in the Patriots Superbowl win in 2005. Naturally, he asks to be paid like a #1 pass catcher, which he obviously is, instead of the $1 million a year they wanted to pay him (Sh*t, even #2 and #3 receivers on the LOSING team get more than that!). “How dare he!” Lord Belichick declares,”Don’t you know I can win with anybody!!! Mwahahaha!” Then promptly let Branch seek a trade to a team that would ante up the deserving wares. Little did Deion know, the swarthy DICKtator and his evil empire had something up their gravy-soaked sleeves.
Having interest from two teams, the Seahawks and Jets, negotiations were underway…or so poor Deion thought. Once again, a Patriot made the common mistake of trusting the Patriots. Even though the team said they would seek out a trade “in good faith,” neither Seattle nor N.Y. could match the asking price for Branch, thus forcing the Sept. 1 deadline pass, and consequently the poor bastard got fined $600,000 by New England for not being in camp! (That’s right, half his salary.) The plot thickens…
It was later leaked that New England was asking a FIRST ROUND DRAFT PICK for him! They don’t want to pay a Superbowl M.V.P. as well as a 3rd round rookie, but want a #1 pick for him?! “Good faith” my narrow beige ass! Smelling a rat, Branch files two grievances with the league after finding out that the Patriots were offered a 2nd rounder for him. They got Randy Moss for a 4th round pick and a 6-pack from the Raiders for Christ sakes!!! But that’s a story for later. Subsequently, Deion got traded to Seattle, who signed him to a new, semi-deserving deal. The same damn day, the Patriots tried running and crying to Daddy in the form of filing tampering charges against the N.Y. Jets for telling Branch about their outrageous trade request, to which they got a “F*ck off, you guys pull this douche-bag sh*t aaall the time, plus, how many times have we caught you bitches cheatin’?” Charges dismissed.
We weren’t wrong! If we said that we were wrong, that was wrong, which is impossible, because we’re never wrong!!!!! Well, whether they admitted it or not, they were WRONG in thinking their new go-to guy, a bug-eyed, T.D. dropper named Reche Caldwell, a San Diego Chargers cast-off, could be that “anybody” big daddy Bill was talkin’ ’bout to be Dieon Branch’s replacement. Last time I checked, 61 catches for 760 yards and 4 touchdowns doesn’t sound like a team’s leading receiver to me. Sh*t, it barely sounds like a 3rd. Oooh, and you lost to his old team in the play-offs too? Aw Billy, ain’t karma a bitch? Enter Randy Moss.
Draft day 2007. The Raiders decide to ditch Moss for the peanuts the Pats were offering because let’s face it, last thing the city of Oakland needs is another sucka dead in its streets. Naturally everything was popcorn and candy for the newlyweds because poor Randy wasn’t sad anymore, and Tommy finally had a new little girl to play with, but wait… Haha! Thaaat’s riiiiight! They TOTALLY forgot who they were dealing with! All it took was losing a Superbowl, everyone falling in love with Wes Welker, and apparently a “what gets in the way more while they’re in bed: Randy’s beard or Tom’s hair?” argument and POOF! The marriage is on the rocks. All Mrs. Moss had to do to bring on the divorce was get up on the mic ( after a win, mind you), and cry like a tabloid diva. Y’all know the kind: “Even though it looks like a happy marriage, you don’t see or hear the emotional abuse I go through day to day…sniff…now where’s my money?” Settle down Linda McCartney, ‘cuz Bill Belichick is about to come down on you “British public style.” Moss traded to the Vikings for a 3rd rounder.
So now the Pats find themselves in a bit of a pickle. They got Moss for a 4th round pick, used the last of his Pro-bowl years up, then got a 3rd round pick FOR him, and didn’t have to give him the money he wanted. Score! But now they don’t have a true outside receiver. “Hmmmm… There’s gotta be SOMEBODY we’ve ripped off in the past that’s used to it and can just step in and play…somebody call Deion Branch! Tell the Sh*thawks we’ll give ‘em a 4th rounder for him! Haha!”
O.K. Evil Empire, you figured you pulled a whack of fast ones, made out like a bandit, and got it aaaall figured out, dontcha? Well you kinda missed somethin’ while yankin’ your ego this week. The last three years Randy Moss caught 47 touchdowns. Branch caught 10, and was never the top receiver on his team. Moss probably wanted around $8 million over the next 2 years. They’ll be payin’ Branch $6.5 million. I’m no learned math-a-ma-guy, but that sh*t don’t rightly work out.
Ah well Patty Pats, what do we know? According to you, NOTHING. But that’s okay with us because we of the REAL world know that what goes around, is always sure to come around, and karma is a nasty, nasty, bitch, that not even YOU can cheat. Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell y’all, keep Reche Caldwell’s number on hand cuz Deion Branch only plays 10 games a season. I left that part out of my math.
Video tape THAT Bill.
– Balls Out
Whatgoesaroundcomesaroundcomesaroundcomesaroundyousuchacheaterbaaaaabe……
