Barnum and Bailey had nothin’ on the Miami Heat.
Ballers and Ballettes, under the big top… The N.B.A. Tip-off!
Well it finally came. We had it circled on our calendars. Alarmed in our phones. Excuses to leave work at 4 figured out. Phone calls to idiot friends made, reminding them we weren’t doin’ all this for the Canucks game. Finally, the answer to the biggest, stupidest, overblown circus in basketball off-season history! Ladies and gentlemen, N.B.A. regular season game 1…2011 Champion Miami “Thrice” vs. 2008 champion Boston Celtics!!!
That’s right, it finally happened. Lebron, CB…1?, D-Wade and a few random guys made their first real court appearance, seeing as in pre-season, they lasted about 3 minutes before Wade said “see ya in the regular season fellas”. One of the biggest problems was that it was against the battle hardened Boston Celtics, a former championship team, who’s been together for 4 years, plays unrivaled defense, and now has Shaq. This was destined to get ugly quick. Can’t believe I made dip for this sh*t.
Did it ever happen to you, where you waited soooo long to have sex again, and when you finally do, you’re so excited that you forgot how, and realize you’re doin’ it wrong? Uhhh, yeah, me neither… But this was the closest thing to it for these 3.
Four or five rat-ball filled possessions in, it was brutally clear that everyone wasn’t just eatin’ these guy’s lunch this off-season, hatin’ on them for the Britney Spears stage entrances or the episodes of “Inside the actors studio” with the cast of Douche: The Musical. Critics were ACTUALLY right! These chuckleheads haven’t figured out how to play together! It was actually kinda painful to watch Lebron-on-5. No, you take it. Wade-on-4. Ummm, nope. Bosh-on-3? Ha! This idiot’s lucky he even got invited to the party! (Sorry homey, they told me they really wanted Amar’e). Bottom line is, they looked less like a “Dream Team” and waaaay more like those idiots from the early 2000’s who couldn’t even muster up a bronze medal. Nine points in the first quarter. NINE F*CKING POINTS!!! Man I’ll never get THAT 30 minutes of my life back. At the end of the half they willed their way up to 30, apparently by using the “don’t you know who I am” mind trick, cuz from flipping in between the 2nd quarter and what was either Jersey Shore or Man vs. Food, it looked like the same “where the f*ck are we” garbage. By the end, thanks only to Lebron being used playing 1-on-5, the Heat only lost 88-80, but it wasn’t actually that close. And I have to believe the sincerity in Rajon Rondo’s voice when asked if Miami is the team to beat in the East… “No, we are.”
Nobody thought it was going to be as simple as throwing 3 of the top 10 players in the league onto the same team and ‘POOF’ dyyynaaastyyy… Except them. And us. And you. O.K., everybody did. But it’s clear now that it isn’t that easy, or smarter players from a better pedigree would have figured it out long-times-go. Here’s a few Balls Calls on why we might be waiting a bit for Lebron James to win a title (off-season titles don’t actually count):
- No chemistry. This is the most obvious and predictable one, seeing as they were all the #1 option on their respective teams before. Even if Bosh was by default, he still might cry a little if no one plays with him.
- No point. Every single champ has a true point guard. Even if its Sam Cassell. This constant game of “Lebron, you bring it up. I did last time” won’t work. It throws your set plays off before they start. Trust me, I’m the greatest street ball point guard I’ve ever seen.
- No Biggie. See: No point. But maybe fill in with Bill Cartwright. Sorry kids, Joel Anthony, as adorably Canadian as he is, will not be the answer. If anyone mentions Ilgauskas, I’ll he-bitch-manslap you.
- History hurts like a bitch. If Dwayne Wade goes the whole season without getting an injury, and he won’t, Murphy’s law dictates that one of the other two will. Two of these guys will have to be on the court at all times, and if one is hurt, weeelllll…the math don’t add up.
- We’re all in the same gang. Of all the big 3’s in championship history, none have been as similar styled players as these buddies. Drive, slash, jumper, let someone else do the bangin’ an’ rainin’…You’d think they’d have talked that out before hittin’ the court with that stupid “I dunno, you try now” look on their faces. No team will ever miss Mike Miller so much.
All in all, lets just say that the scariest circus’ have the most lions… Just forgot that the most successful ones have elephants and monkeys too.
Cue my drunken carnival music Jay…
– Balls Out
