Well pigskin pals, its halfway through the N.F.L. season, and this year, we’ve gotten even more than what we thought possible from our beloved gridiron gala. Enough that I broke it up in ‘To be continued’ sitcom style to keep ya hangin’. We wanted drama. Mad drama. Well how ’bout some Grey’s Anatomy in a surgical-apparatus-only-style battle royal with the cast of General Hospital-type drama… And the Smoke Monster from Lost is the special guest referee…These are the DAYS OF OUR BALLS!…PART 1………
Headshots, headshots, headshots…
You can’t go ten minutes these days without this topic being beaten to death. Don’t get get me wrong, it sucks when a guy gets knocked out, but its in our souls to love seein’ a dude get knocked retarded. 95% of hits (not tackles, to be clear), involve the helmet, so how can that be fined? Easy! Just never play football like Commissioner Goodell, and piss down massive fines to pro’s making split-second decisions. Funny thing is, 75% of those fines this year wouldn’t have happened if the guy gettin’ hit just jumped up and was fine. Worse hits than most of those have happened this year, but they made highlight reels and high-fives. Oh, one exception though… The Patriots’ Brandon Meriweather launching like a torpedo top-o’-the-head first into Tod Heap’s face when he didn’t even catch the ball? THAT was a fineable example of an idiot cheatin’, but he’s a Patriot, so it wasn’t a bigger fine. Dude, when even Bill Belichick thinks you were cheatin’, you KNOW you done a dumb-dumb.
Randy, Randy, Randy…
Nothin’ has been more satisfying than this f*ckin’ guy, making my first article: Balls and my Word Vol. 1 / Top 5 reasons I hate Randy Moss, the most factual piece of literature I have written to date. Its like Randy Moss read it and thought it was his goddamn instruction manual! Brilliant! Remember Randy, those were only my TOP 5 reasons. I’ll post the rest soon so you got some more smart moves for the Titans. Oh, and remember homey, you can keep leaving practice early like you did in Minnesota, ‘cuz you’re only catchin’ about 3 balls a game down there. Oh yeah, and when your spendin’ your Sundays playin’ decoy, before you lose your little mind, just remember- Tennessee was the ONLY TEAM stupid enough to give you a shot, douche.
Chilli, Chilli…..Shanny?
Damn, I don’t know who looks like the bigger idiot: Brad Childress, Mike Shannahan, Brett Favre, or Donovan McNabb. Okay, maybe I should rephrase that. Who IS the biggest idiot, because Favre and McNabb could control the way they looked. The answer is 1st: Childress for throwin’ Brett under the bus, blaming him point blank for losses, and 2nd: Shannahan for drivin’ the bus, by good ol’ fashion makin’-shit-up moves, and Irish Jiggin’ his way around, why in ALL THAT IS HOLY would you pull him with 2 minutes left for Rex “now back to you Bob!” Grossman??? “Uhhh, he wasn’t familiar with the 2 minute drill…no wait, that doesn’t make any sense…uhhh, he’s outta shape! No wait, he just led the team in rushing…uhhh, he looks less like John Elway! hmmm, sounds a little racist…” Bottom line is, start figurin’ out who your QB is next year guys. And Brad? Not in Minnesota. Word on the street is that nobody’s diggin’ this “habitual line-stepper” sh*t.
Before I go to commercial break, I just wanna give a few shout-out to my homies…
- Cleveland Browns - Beatin’ the Superbowl champs 3 years in a row, then bitch-slappin’ the Patriots? Start askin the league for the year’s toughest schedule and you might make the playoffs! But I swear to God, if you’ve made Rex Ryan’s twin brother Rob (defensive co-ordinator) a future head coach, I’ll be pissed! Its hard enough lookin’ at 3 of him!
- Michael Vick - Work ethic + film study + no pets = M.V.P. candidate… Nice comeback dawg! Er..umm…bro!
- A.F.C. - 10 American Football Conference teams would make the playoffs before 2 N.F.C. teams. Thank God we don’t have to see inter-conference playoff games until the Superbowl. Hey Giants! Pleeeeeeaaaase be there?
- And with the #1 pick in the 2011 N.F.L. draft, the Dallas Cowboys select…..
- Hey, has anyone seen Oakland? Oh yeah, they’re up there in the top 12, right behind the Saints and the Colts.
Whuttup Raider haters. Kiss my silver and black ass….
– Balls out
