DECK THE BALLS by A.T. the Bartender
Once upon a time in the land of Victoria, (cue Run D.M.C.’s Christmas in Hollis) a young Raider named A.T. was behind his bar, talking holiday trash with his loyal sporting regulars, when a seemingly magical thing happened. A boisterous patron, not knowing my name but only of my pigskin prowess, pointed to the sky and shouted “Hey, bartender!!!” I spun with a shot and replied ”Yes customer!!!” only to realize he wasn’t pointing to the sky, but in fact the row of tv’s, all of which tickered…..Randy Moss traded to the Oakland Raiders….. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing; but not in that “somebody call somebody” way, but in the “I’ll believe it when I see it kind of way.” Needless to say, I never did REALLY see it, and all these years later, buried in a pile of other castoff gear, are TWO Randy Moss #18 Oakland Raider jerseys. One has multiple burns from when I lit it on fire every time I had to see him score a touchdown for the Patriots (not to mention the #84 Vikings one I gave away off my back in a bar). As I cackled, and shook my fist to the sky, I vowed never to buy a CURRENT players jersey again…
The beauty of the throwback jersey is that although it’s from the past, it will always be current. The player emblazoned on that team’s sweater has been put there purely for the point of immortalizing him as one of the greatest players to ever wear it, regardless if he’s played for another team. The other selling point is that it’s always the best quality, and in the most popular version of jersey in the team’s history. So Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Holidays, or whatever they celebrate on those compounds in Utah, give the gift that will have your special someone making new friends while getting stopped on streets, in bars, at games, and in foreign countries with a finger point and a smile, followed by a simple “F*ck yeah dude.”
Click the pic below for all your throwback jersey needs. The team you’re looking for is listed on the left.
– Balls Out
BONERS BONUS GIFT GUIDE: JINGLE BALLS with Jay Haddow
Pigskin Presents for your Pig-faced Pals:
Why not ask for “The Duke” by Wilson? It’s the official game ball used in NFL games. If you need further convincing: I’m doing it! And I have a dick! Coincidence?
If you love Friday Night Lights (and you should) tailgate on down to the Amazon aisle for whatever tickles your fancy, be it the movie or TV series. Football movies (expect for ‘Necessary Roughness’) are the best, so do yourself a solid: throw together a selection of the flicks below, stuff ‘em in your Santa sack and feel better about the fact that at least one of your sacks isn’t empty.
Robe-A-Dope!:
After that big game or street fight, take a shower and feel mega luxurious in this Muhammad Ali Robe. You’ll be floating like a Butterfly and exfoliating like a Bee-itch!
The Kookiest Quadrathlon Ever Of All Time Forever:
Ask for a Lamborghini Chainsaw and look cool while you slit a tree’s stupid throat. If you were born to suck at swimming, like all true Haddows, ask for a pair of Darkfin Gloves. They’ll make you better and awesomer! If you suck at driving like I do (wow, I suck) and you’re a filthy American, get someone to sign you up for Skip Barber’s Racing School. Oh, but the most amazing thing you should ask for is this Jetlev-Flyer that’s basically a water Jet Pack! Two water-based gifts? Aquaman be praised!
For The Lazy Drunk:
Straight up, just ask for The Man Wall. Don’t be a pussy. While you’re enjoying the game, and your manliness, have a few “The End of History” beers courtesy of Brew Dog, assuming you picked some up before they sold out. They offer a kind that’s 55% alky-hol, and once bottled, is wrapped in roadkill. (See below!) Mmm! I could get down with a beer that has the same fashion sense as your mom-cousin. If it comes with a free shirt: I’m in!
Anyways, once you’re good and loser-pissed, you could be reading The 4 Hour Body, the quick (lazy) way to lose weight, become Superman and f@ck better, but forget all that! Instead, spend some time with Keg Works‘ pub-in-a-box game set that will be sure to keep your ass-on-a-couch. Speaking of books though, I was gonna buy The Dangerous Book For Boys for Nuv, but he messed up and had a girl, so you might as well have it. That way, if you get up long enough to get it up and have a son, it’ll teach him all the shit you don’t know because you’ve been a shut-in. Oh. Never mind. You’d have to leave the house to meet a girl. Well, I hope you, your pseudo-peepee-wall-of-technology and your “clean-up” sock are very happy together.
Bitter? Naw. I’ve just been drinking out of the squirrel for a few hours now. (Jay don’t know the limits…)
Final Warning:
If you haven’t seen ESPN 30 for 30, I’m going to punch you in the heart! Volume One is now available on DVD and contains the first half of the epic thirty film sports-documentary series. The shit is riveting! Be sure to ask for this. And then give it to me.
– Jay “$300 For Mexico” Haddow
