“Ian Explosivo: No More!” Suicide succeeds where millions in plastic surgery and decades of therapy failed! Oh, wait. That was just wishful thinking. Actually, what I meant was: “No more, Ian Explosivo!” Nobody gives a s#!% about your “event fatigue” caused by the exactly ZERO events you follow (much like you, Shadowland doesn’t count) and all that “BlahBlahSarahMichelleGellarForsookMeEtc.” People, don’t listen to that jerkface. He not only has a receding hairline, but also a receding penis! Huh? You want to read his post? Like, willingly? Fine! CLICK HERE. I could save you the trouble though. All he does is use self-descriptive words, like “ignominious.” (Dictionary says: 1. marked by shame, disgrace or humiliation; 2. embarrassingly s#!%ty; see also Ian Explosivo; Example in a sentence: “Man, that angry dwarf that writes with Nuv sure is ignominious and infertile.”)
Anyways, enough about Tantrum McGee. I actually have a (much) bigger bone to pick! But let’s save that till the end and give you some sugar before the medicine…
THE BEST
Jason Aaron (Marvel Comics / Vertigo Comics)
Jason Aaron killed Alan Moore, ate his beard and gained all of his powers. But first he (for real) told him “go f*** yourself” (!) The point? Jason Aaron is the new Alan Moore. (’Cause of talent, not wicca.) From Punishermax (hilariously violent) and ‘Wolverine Goes To Hell’ (just plain violent) to Astonishing Spider-man & Wolverine (the best ‘two guys that hate each other forced to work together’ routine since 48 Hrs), everything he writes is gold. And he’s now stepped to the big dog in the yard and told him to self-fornicate. I’ve been a fan since The Other Side, and followed him through his Grindhouse-y take on Ghost Rider (machine gun nuns, a killer motorcycle stuntman with an eyeball for a head and Trull ‘the living steam shovel from the stars’? I’m in!). Funnily enough, even though I have the entire series to date, I have yet to read what everyone assures me is his best work of all, Scalped (Indian gangster s#!%. Feather, not dot.) I aim to fix that “pronto, Tonto.” (Yeah! Racist!) There’s a new ‘baddest beard on the block,’ chumps. Get on board or get run over.
Uncanny X-Force (Marvel Comics)
Wolverine and Archangel lead a secret, black-ops-style X-Men team to carry out dark missions, like killing a child before he grows up to be one of their worst enemies. Rick Remender’s writing moves at a clip, and Jerome Opéna assassinates the pages with just vicious artwork. So good it makes me forget the pure squalor that was Rob Liefeld’s X-Force. Suck it, Robbie. You too, Ian.
Superior (Icon Comics)
You know how everybody’s always wondering why they can’t make movies like they used to back when they were kids? Well, for me, that means they don’t make ‘em like Back II The Future. Or The Goonies. Or Monster Squad. Or…you get the picture. Well, it took a comic book to do what the movies can’t anymore. Superior is essentially Tom Hanks’ Big + Last Action Hero + Christopher Reeve’s Superman + Shazam. But you know what makes it have that…that something that movies used to have? It’s not the plot. It’s the lack of “political correctness.” In the 80s, you could have kids in a movie toss around horrible words like “f@**ot” and “retard” and make fun of the obligatory fat kid. You know, like kids actually do. So what I’m telling all of you over-sensitive delicate flowers is “Chill out to the max, gaylords!” (80s Kid-Nuv’s words, not mine) Remember: swearing makes things better. Motherf@¢&ers.
Action Comics starring Lex Luthor and…Jimmy Olsen?! (DC Comics)
Lex Luthor pulls off a hostile takeover of Superman’s title, and Jimmy Olsen rides his coattails into the back-up feature. And guess what? They’re both sweet! Lex’s, yeah, but who’d have pegged punk-ass Jimmy to star in a readable, let alone radical, comic book?! Nick Spencer and R.B. Silva bring us a week in the life of Jimbo that shows what makes him cool enough to be called ‘Superman’s Best Friend,’ bowties and all. Luthor, meanwhile, is on a mission that will take him through all the nooks and crannies of the DC Universe, and has him face off with all the major supervillains therein. So it’s pretty much a Street Fighter II tournament with cats like Deathstroke, Gorilla Grodd and his ‘Combat Spoon’ (see above) and The Joker! The highlight so far was #894, featuring Sandman’s Death! And Neil Gaiman actually wrote her bits of dialogue! One of the best issues of the year, hands down. Pete Woods is cranking out solid art underneath cool David Finch covers, but the star here is writer Paul Cornell. Dark, action-packed, weird-as-s#!%, fun and funny, this series is knocking it out of the park and rounding all bases. Seriously, do yourself a favour. Ignore that chickenhead Ian, the only fool in existence that dislikes LL, and check this out. You won’t be sorry. But, as you’ll see, a lot of mofos in the DCU will be…
Short Stories (DC Comics / Marvel Comics)
Short (like Ian) and sweet (like me), the year had a lot of stories that did more with a handful of pages than most did with twelve issues worth. Here are my favourites…
• Joker and Lex • Dear Logan • Batgirl: The Lesson • Krypto vs Ace •
Batman Inc. (DC Comics)
Grant Morrison and Yanick Paquette spin a fantastic yarn about Batman being the coolest, globetrottin’, training Batmen for other countries, f’in’ hoes and kickin’ the dicks off Lord Death Man and the like. It’s a thrill-a-panel rollercoaster, it looks good, the dialogue is crisp, the cliffhangers rule…there is literally nothing bad to say about Batman Inc. It’s the perfect popcorn movie-style superhero comic.
“Batman & Robin Must Die!” (DC Comics)
Morrison wraps up his years-long Batman epic by giving us a pitch-perfect Joker, a new villain (worthy of standing beside the iconic ones) in Professor Pyg, Dick Grayson trying to fill the Bat-boots, the grand return of Bruce Wayne and Bruce’s illegitimate son as an asshole Robin that steals the show. A million threads come together smoothly to weave the most exciting battle Gotham City’s seen since the late 80s. The best superhero comic of 2010. But not the best comic of 2010…
Parker: The Outfit (IDW Publishing)
The second in Darwyn Cooke’s Parker series chronologically. And that’s the only time this book will ever see the number two again, outside of a rear-view mirror. The baddest man alive gets a facelift, deals with double-crossers in cold blood in front of chicks he’s banging, and pulls off the craziest series of heists and cons, all topped with a splash of ice cold revenge. The heists are laid out brilliantly, each in a completely different art style. (Map, magazine article, old UPA-style animation. Monopoly game, and so on.) The most ambitious breaks down the numbers racket by following the journey of a single dime through the con, from start to finish. Cooke already held an elite status among my favourite artists, but with this swaggering display, he threw down a gauntlet nobody had the balls to pick up last year. The Outfit sits alone on the top shelf, and the rest of 2010’s comics know that Parker wears the pants around here.
THE WORST
2010’s comic book movies/television series were indicative of the year-in-comics as a whole. They spanned the entire spectrum, from “F@¢& Yeah!” (The Walking Dead, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, Iron Man 2, Kick-Ass, Defendor, DCU Animated Movies, Misfits and, redeeming a 40+ year old property with pee-pees, Batman XXX!) to “Ehhh…” (The Losers, Red, Smallville Season 9) to “S#!% No!!” (Jonah Hex, Heroes, Ian’s Zombie-Cow Sex-Tape). On the print side, there were some really high points, some middle-of-the-road material and relatively few shitbombs. HOWEVER, those s#!%bombs were of the “I haven’t s#@% in three days because I was being used as a drug mule by a pack of homeless kingpins in between hobo orgies, known on the streets as ‘Soup Kitchens,’ and I can’t be held responsible for what I did to your toilet. That s#!% right there is gonna stink well into the next year. Sorry dude. Sincerely, Ian ‘A Whole New Meaning To My Last Name’ Explosivo” variety. And there was a pair of turds, linked by the involvement of a single asshole, that cast a large, brown cloud over my year in comics…
JMS on Superman (DC Comics)
Superman: Grounded and Superman: Earth One. These two s#!% stains on Superman’s cape make me want to cut the tattoo off my left arm, boost Batman from #2 to the spot of my favourite hero and put Supes out of his misery. For all the years he’s been my #1, the least I can do is pull the plug when this J. Michael Straczynski douche is slowly killing him. Grounded is pretentious, boring, and a complete waste of everyone’s time that’s involved. In addition to being wildly out-of-character and a dick, JMS’ Superman is also a f@¢&ing mega-tard. Example: he sets a drug dealer house on fire. While walking away from the blazing inferno that’s essentially hotboxing the neighbourhood with sherm smoke, without putting it out with any one of his myriad superpowers, he’s stopped by some little white kid who figures a scene from Backdraft is a good setting to offer him some candy. Supes is all like, “Naw. Instead, why don’t you go deliver a message for me to those dangerous and heavily armed drug dealers over there? Yeah. The ones that I just pissed off and left with nothing to lose. Huh? Yeah. I do mean those ones that are in earshot and that I could tell easily myself, that have no possible way of harming me. Still, I’d rather you do it. Don’t question me! I’m like a cross between Thoreau(?) and Jesus. I hereby dub thee the new Human Target! Thanks a bunch, weak white kid!”
Oh, but it doesn’t end there! Halfway through chronicling this irresponsible walk-about, JMS drops out! He leaves to go make a sequel to his Emo of Steel opus, Superman: Earth One! It’s Superman! But in a hoodie and sad! This cliche-riden drivel is not in the main title, so it’s easier to ignore, once you get past the need to piss in your own eyes for having looked at it. And get past the fact that it’s target audience, the bed-headed, bed-wetting Twilight generation, made it a commercial success. Grrrr.
Back to Grounded – JMS the quitter leaves the next writer in a universally-reviled hole (see also: Ian Explosivo) to dig his way out with a prick Superman only halfway through his promised journey, lecturing people about mundane s#!% that would be beneath loser-ass Aquaman’s notice. Yeah, yeah, social champion, back to his beginnings blahblah SHUT UP! I won’t waste too many more words on it. ’cause in the four terrible issues he managed to s#!% out, JMS used ‘em all up. AND he put them together in formations that ring false coming out of Superman’s mouth. Look at Superman: Secret Origin or All Star Superman. That’s who he is. That’s how you tell a story with him. Here’s hoping 2011 brings back that guy. But even with Supes’ powers, I wouldn’t hold my breath…
THE GREATEST
After all that bile and venom, I guess I should try and give this a tacked-on Speilberg ending. My 2010 actually ended with my favourite item of the year arriving at the eleventh hour. A collectible commemorating my all-time favourite childhood comic book. This is basically like someone did a B&E on my skull and sculpted a statue out of what they saw up in that piece. Behold!
Put one in the air…
– Nuv
NEXT ISSUE: THE BIG TWO TAKE A LOOK AHEAD TO 2011! TUNE IN TOMORROW, SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL!
