“Crush em’ like crackers, we love the Packers!!!”
With this slogan on our backs, my fellow Packers supporters and I headed down to the local pub for the much anticipated ‘Mustard Yellow Tight Pant Super Bowl Extravaganza!’ And some booze. I am about to attempt to read some of my chicken scratch notes and translate them to you… ready?
The afternoon started with an impromptu drinking game, which we made up as we went… here are some of the rules.
- Every time we look behind us, see the Raiders fan, and go “Awwww”… Drink.
- Every time you think to yourself, Jay Cutler’s a pussy… Drink. (This rule works just as well when he’s not playing, trust me.)
- Every Doritos commercial… Drink. [Editor's Note: More on this later]
- Every time “Hail Mary” McLeod gets up to pee… 2 drinks. (Back in my early 20’s I had a drunken habit of peeing in odd and inappropriate places. I have a much better relationship with my bladder now so this was the most ummm… effective of the rules.)
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this halftime rant.
Dear Fergie,
I’m not sure why you thought the Super Bowl was a good place to try out your version of drunken karaoke bar singing/yelling… but it’s not the place. And I’m glad your mic kept cutting out and Usher came out in baggy skinny pants, which looked like slouch socks for your ass so will now be called slouch pants. I don’t even like Usher… with clothes on, but he saved us from you and I am grateful for that.
HMM
PS: Please forward this to whoever plans the halftime shows – Look at who’s watching football! When the whole bar sits in agony and confusion until Slash appears, and still the agony persists, you’re doing it wrong.
And now back to football…
Green Bay Packers 31
Pittsburgh Steelers 25
This was an awesome game! Awesomest of course if you are a Packers fan… but a well-fought game by the Steelers and a poorly called game by the officials. All was as it should be. Let’s take a look at my predictions and see where I was slightly incorrect, and where I was The Fucking Master of Know-It-All Land.
Many turnovers to get you all hot and bothered!
Yes… I win. I suppose the bothered part most applies to the Steelers with 3 turnovers, 2 picks and a fumble, all leading to points on the board for the Packers.
Injuries might make a difference.
I lose. With Doug Legursky at center there wasn’t much difference in the Steelers offensive line, and Ben was still able to run around like a girl being chased by Ben Roethlisberger… wait what?!? Even when all the Packers key players started to fall apart there was only a slight quiver in the way they played the game. I do have to admit to losing my shit a bit as Donald Driver, Sam Shields and Charles Woodson followed each other into the locker room for a game of ’snap the towel.’ But all was ok.
Quarterbacks are kept in check.
I’m half winner and half loser on this one. Aaron Rodgers rushed backwards for – 2 yards = well done Steelers D. But the man still has a rocket arm, and sometimes if you wished real hard his receivers caught the ball. And it was sweet of him to keep throwing to Jordy Nelson despite his rage-inducing drops. Ben Roethliswhatever rushed for 31 yards, so all the studying and spiking the Gatorade couldn’t help Clay Matthews and friends bring the man down. With the exception of a sack by a dude named Zombo… that is a good sacking name.
I think the Steelers will win.
… AHAHAHAHAAA! I will run for the Mayor of I Know Nothingsville for this one, and be so happy about it. My woman’s intuition has been so off with the Packers since the start of the playoffs. I don’t know why I thought they would lose when I really wanted them to win. Maybe it’s because they haven’t played very consistently through the playoffs, and I was sure, many times, things would fall apart for them. Maybe it’s because I am not sure a team with so many attractive men on it is cut out to win the Super Bowl, so it’s easier to think that the Steelers, a pretty rough looking group of men, are in some way tougher. (That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever thought by the way.) Anyways I was wrong… suck it Steelers. Oh, and I should have known you would fail due to the fact you picked up Suisham from the Redskins… must be slim pickins in kicker land.
– “Hail Mary” McLeod
[Editor's Note: Because Canadian broadcasting eats Suzuki shit, most of the nation probably missed the spectacle of Super Bowl commercials and movie trailers. Because R2AK is a sovereign nation unto itself, we are not governed by CTV's shitty "Corner Gas" and "$5-Footlong" sponsored claptrap. Click the pic below to check out the cream of the commercial crop.]
First off, the Black Eyed Peas did not deserve this slot. It felt like someone high up in the network/NFL had an 11-year-old granddaughter they were trying to impress, so let’s be hip and awesome and check out her sparkly iPod shuffle and see what she’s listening to.
I don’t hate them because I think it’s cool to hate them. It takes up entirely too much of my time and energy, but the hate cannot be denied. I think it’s ridiculous that they were styled, so seriously, in absolute garbage twinkling LightBrite “future” clothing, by somebody who makes a lot more money than I ever will. I think it’s ridiculous Will.I.Am thinks he is a musical savant, who knows what people want to hear and love to hear. That makes me want to slam my own face into a bathroom sink. I think their “rich catalogue” of “hits” they shrieked and running-manned through (again, completely un-ironically) was one fucking terrible nonsensical mashup of diarrhea after another.
And the fans they had at the stadium got the middle finger by not being allowed to flock to the stage to lick their sparkly robot loafers, instead replaced by choreographed unitarded human glow sticks.
The last straw was their club remix of a beloved song off the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. Fuck you guys. Seriously. Quit fucking with my inner 9-year-old. Patrick Swayze is a million times cooler than all four of you combined, and he’s mostly cobwebs and teeth right now.
Sigh.
The game deserved to be won by the Packers. My Polamalu wasn’t the crazy leaping beast of yore and the Packers just clicked and made this game theirs.
The day wasn’t a complete bust though. The potato skins my friend Ali made were the shit.
I wished with all of my might (like the little Vader in the VW commercial – that only Miss Teen USSR’s black, communist heart could hate. Seriously.) that Axl Rose would rise up from the floor behind Fergie, unbeknownst to her, and donkey punch that House of Wax-ass bitch. Then Axl and Slash would high five over her. Then Slash would pull off his top hat and hurl it, it’s razor-sharp brim decapitating the other three Peas in one fell swoop, Oddjob-style.
They should put me in charge of Halftime, no?
Here’s a question for you both… do you think there is a point in trying to make the halftime show good? or do you think all the good bands are thinking it’s the gig to do for washed up old bands wishing for death by top hat decapitation???
Even I liked the little vader ad! and I don’t even like space-trek-war-star-balls-whatever.
Chips for tits. out.
The Prince halftime ruled, so it is possible…