Greetings from the land of post season football – the lamest land of them all! After physically recovering from my own personal brand of kick-ass football cheering, I bring you the highlights of the 2010-11 season in competitive form: pitting all the news “worthy” events of the year against each other as they reach for the title of “Captain Adventure Of The Milky Citizen” (Thank you random band name generator!)
Things Falling From The Sky:
Metrodome Roof Collapsing 98
The Black Eyed Peas 2
The Peas clearly cheated on this one… you didn’t fall!!! You should have fallen, then maybe your points would have been a bit higher. But, no, you pussied out. The only reason you got 2 points is because you didn’t cause any permanent damage. I’m pretty sure my new random twitch has more to do with my close proximity to a Raiders fan during the game than you… I hope. I could easily watch the video of the Metrodome roof collapse multiple times and enjoy myself. The Peas…not so much. If only there was some way we could combine the two… losers go first.
Sit Down Old Man:
Donovan McNabb 1
Mike Shanahan 0
This score is purely based on popular opinion, but I was raised in a world where it’s good to free up a seat to the shaky looking old person on the bus, so I’m not quite sure what the problem is. Yes, McNabb made the Redskins look better in the start of the year but that’s not saying much. It’s the coaches job to change things up if they aren’t going as planned. I think Shanahan’s mistake was making an excuse… no one likes excuses… even the people who are looking for them. The old guys could learn a lot from young buck Jay Cutler – if no one is offering a seat, you grab the nearest snot-nosed little kid and take his damn seat. Then you sit and pout about the old days when your legs still worked.
Fetishes are personal:
Wes Welker 10
Rex Ryan 3
I was very excited to hear about Welker’s foot fetish, as I happen to have very nice feet. There is debate on whether or not his ten foot mentions was on purpose. I’m going to pretend it was because it was funny, clever and got the guy benched from the team’s first offensive drive. Rex’s “It’s personal” trash talk got old quick, and as much as I fully support trash talk, I think Rex should maybe seek some help for all of his personal issues with people. It is just a game, so don’t take it personal.
You’re fired:
You all lose
Last year it was kickers this year it was coaches… Wade Phillips, Brad Childress, Josh McDaniels, and Mike Singletary all fired while the season was rolling along without them. With any luck they will form the group for next years Super Bowl halftime performance with hits like:
“Are You Sure I’m Not Canadian… Cause I’m Just So Nice” written by W. Phillips.
“Leaving On a Jet Plane… To Go See Favre’s ‘Assets’ in Person” written by B. Childress.
“If Todd Won’t Love Me, Who Will?” written by J. McDaniels.
And M. Singletary falls from the sky singing his smash hit, “I Want Winners, Not Sinners.”
Keeping your “privates” private:
Brett Favre 1
Ben Rottenburger -2,385,734
In an attempt to keep things private Favre sent his “privates” in a text. The guy’s old and lacks an understanding of technology, and now that text is all but private. Ben… there are no jokes from me… but my friend Mark has some words for you after hearing of your desire to be a role model for the kids:
In the infamous words of Michael Scott, “Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.” Look here, Big Ben, I know you want to be a role model to the nations youth, so let me give you a few pointers. First off, try putting a helmet on when you hop on your motorcycle. I know it’s hard to find a lid that fits that inflated head of yours… but you got money… try ebay. Next, how ‘bout you try avoiding sexual assault accusations for an off-season or 2. I know you are a target for attention, with the Super Bowl victories and all, but that’s why God created Xbox. I can just picture you saying to the kids, “Say Jimmy, you watch the door while I go play spin the bottle with this girl in the bathroom.” Keep reaching for the stars, Ben.
– Mark the Chargers Fan
And now the winner of the title “Captain Adventure Of The Milky Citizen”…..
The Metrodome Roof!!!
You got old and took a seat, or a few, and I think that’s awesome!
– “Hail Mary” McLeod
Sweet Jesus Hail Mary McLeod! You’ve done it again. I’ll miss your game wrap ups and witty comments gingerly placed in between.Is that it for the season? Will we have another post season post? I’m looking forward to next season already, Here’s hoping the Chargers get Gates back and the Cowboy’s get their groove back and we have a superball match up or at the very least a play off match up of the friendship. Whatever that means….