As promised, here is a little something Miss Teen USSR and “Hail Mary” McLeod like to call, The Girlfriend’s Guide to Football. Unlike the impending NFL lockout, they’re here for you. They will hold your hand. They will tell you which players aren’t wearing any underwear, aka peen-spotting.* They will get you ready to watch your next NFL game with your dude, any dudes, or your chick, and make sure you don’t sound like a rookie. Or worse, a Cowboys fan (HAHA! Just Kidding Mary! Not really…)
First a little background on your instructors.
Who forced you to get into football? How long did it take for you to understand what was going on? And how did you pick “your” team?
HMM: If you haven’t already read my history of how I got “forced” into football and my favourite team, you’re dead to me. Look here. I don’t really remember how long it took me to understand the game… I’m sure some of the penalties took the longest route to my brain. Guaranteed the most common forced-football-loving situation comes from your significant other’s desire for an understanding partner when it comes to anti-social yell-at-the-TV day, otherwise known as Sunday.
USSR: That’s how it worked for me! I was “forced” into the sport by my then-boyfriend and now husband, baby daddy and handsome houseboy, Nuv. He wore his Colts Manning jersey from September to February. At first, I was just the hostess on Sundays and for the Super Bowl. Sure I may have perfected a 7 layer dip and a 7 napkin ribs recipe, but at the end of the (Sun)day, I would be alone in the kitchen cleaning up, while all the impassioned hooting and hollering and cursing was happening in the living room. One day I just sat down and started asking some questions. Truthfully, I don’t know everything or remember everything I’m told. (You could tell me how downs work every day of my life and I’d still be lost.) But, I have my team now – Pittsburgh, based on the commercial below and Polamalu’s all-around ferociousness and uncanny defensive timing. And I still feed a crowd with leftovers to spare. (If I wore a hat, this is when I’d turn it backwards and cross my arms with as much gangsta as a 33-year-old Mom can muster.)
What’s the best AND worst part about being a girl who’s into football?
USSR: In my eyes, the best part is: flat out, dudes like chicks who understand and appreciate sports. It gives them one more thing to talk to you about, and debate with you and teach you. From my experience, the most impatient jerkface will take the time to explain why that guy did that to that guy over there if you are legitimately curious and ask at an appropriate time, aka not in the middle of an important play. The worst part is the condescension. For every rad guy that thinks your jersey is awesome, there will be one who tells you that you only have it because that team won the Super Bowl last year. (Note: your jersey has to be the real one. Not from the Alyssa Milano collection.)
HMM: Dudes love it for sure, but I’m sure they love it even more when girls wear those tight Alyssa Milano jerseys, because guys love boobs and sports. I find the worst part is the lack of shopping during the season. It cuts my weekend down to one day, so my wallet may be happier, but my shoe collection suffers and my girlfriends think I’m lame. I do love that every Sunday and Monday night I can eat like it’s the Super Bowl cause the calories don’t count when you’re watching men in tight pants. I study nutrition and this is totally true.**
Give some examples of how to fake being into the game, AND some football trivia to throw out there if you get stuck/called out.
USSR: My go-to yelp has always been, “You run that, you MOTHER!” Nobody questions that. Or go even more basic, “C’mon, c’mon, C’MON!” The key to any good fake is excitement. But really, once you’re in the thick of a game that your team is playing in, you don’t need to feign anything. Adrenaline kicks in. You want your team to rip the other team in half and shit in their eyes. Some good trivia to throw out there that every fan will have an opinion on are: A player has his third concussion. Career over? Or ask a room full of dudes if they think Brady is good looking. GUARANTEED half will say yes. Or, how retarded is it that a player can be fined for excessive celebration, when really, some of the shit some players do in the end zone (this TD was my favourite this past season) can be more exciting than some of the actual plays.
HMM: Yell a lot and when the teams are set up and about to start a play if anyone tries to talk to you “shhhhh!!” them and stare very intensely at the TV. Regarding excess celebrating: my brain is still too stubborn/awesome to understand that rule. My brain loves celebrating. Topics that are fun to bring up include: Why American Football is better than soccer (soccer players dive a lot and whine like babies; you could also throw in that Randy Moss and Terrell Owens are the soccer babies of the NFL), Larry Fitzgerald’s ass (it’s great… look at it below… any guy that denies this is lying), and some breaking news, like Tiki Barber is coming back! Who? What? Do some research… ask opinions, sit back, and listen.
Bonus Helpfulness: How to pick “your team.”
USSR: You can opt for a historically awesome team, a team with a celebrated past and dynasty, teams like the Steelers, the Packers, the Bears or 49ers. Be all graphic-curious and look at team colours and logos, something should jump out at you. The Raiders, with the toughest logo and colour scheme out there, are tough as fuck, and as of last season are looking to avoid being the toilet paper of the NFL, so there’s an option. If you want a low-key team, steer clear of the Jets (loudmouth coach) or the Patriots (the boarding school “soc’s” of the league with a pony-tailed QB that dances like a swiffer), and if you want a team that doesn’t eat a dick smorgasbord then barf it all over themselves every season, stay downwind of the Bills, Panthers and Lions.
HMM: Pick the Cowboys!!! Ok sorry, that’s cruel. If you are learning about football to share this addiction with your mate, then I would pick their favorite team’s biggest rival. It’s the best way to ensure good competitive energy around the house and make sure they are into watching your team’s games as well (they’ll want to make sure your team is failing… cause they’re jerks… it’s ok to still love them though). If you prefer a more harmonious day in front of the TV, pick their favorite team too… then you can both wander off to the lovely land of unicorns, fairy dust and loving high fives, or sulk in the dark when your favourite team crashes in a pit of loss and suckitude. I’m obviously in favour of my first suggestion.
I would like to thank Miss Teen USSR for coming out and sharing some football love with me. You may be a Steelers fan but you are still considered a good person in my books (mostly due to the use of the word “peen” earlier.) I know this wasn’t much of a technical guide to football, but that’s what your football loving friend or lover is for. Sit them in front of a game and force them to share their knowledge with you… don’t ask too many questions and make sure it’s a game that doesn’t really matter. After that, enjoy the lazy Sundays, nachos and beers with your new overly competitive smelly ass friends!
USSR: And thank YOU Mary. If we can make just one girl shut the fuck up and sit down to watch the game, I will sleep better tonight.
– HMM & USSR out.
* You really don’t need our help with this. If you have eyes and know what a zucchini stuffed down athletic polyester looks like, you’re capable.
**This statement not actually endorsed by anyone who knows anything about nutrition.
