Fuck You, Aquaman!
Ian: Whenever the question comes up about what you’d do with a time machine, people always say they’d go back in time and strangle Hitler or Nuv in their cribs. I’d probably go back and strangle Paul Norris and Mort Weisinger (as grown men) for creating a character as idiotic as Aquaman.
Nuv: Aquaman, you absolute shit-shard, swim the fuck away. You’re that chunk that just won’t flush. I don’t really care either way about Namor either, but at least he’s amusingly arrogant, so you can love-to-hate him Reggie Mantle-style. You? You have an orange shirt and you talk to fishies by shooting what looks like a slinky out of your head and ventriloquist-ing “doo-doo-doo” noises. Ian’s a walking vagina lip with a yellow stripe down his back and chicken feathers sticking out his back-pussy and HE don’t sweat you! You were responsible for Justice League Detroit, the worst era in the esteemed franchise’s history, where your impressive roster of a homeless gypsy, a whiny android, a grating breakdancer and a balding man, all came together to suck unbelievably under your command, and die. Not surprisingly, DC had to cancel their long-running flagship team book just to get the stink off. Way to go, goof!
I suppose I can’t say you’ve never entertained me. You’ve had your hands cut off (once each) and that was a fun read for me. You’re such a walking punchline that your biggest brush with fame, outside of a simplistic children’s cartoon from decades ago, came via an ongoing Entourage plot that chose you BECAUSE you’re the biggest joke in comics. Arthur, you’re a gag in every sense of the word.
Everyone wonders why the fuck you’re on the Justice League next to the greatest heroes alive. I finally figured it out. You’re that asshole that nobody wants around but has history, and one friend in the group, so you keep getting invited around. And just when we think we’re rid of you, you rear your stupid head. We’re stuck with you. Like Herpes.
So, believe me when I say this that I say it with every fucking ounce of my being and all the bordering-on-nazi-ish hate my heart can muster: Fuck you, completely and sincerely and with a dick dipped in sand, glue and glass. Fuck you. You walking fish-stick.
Why Dr. Doom Is Fucking Awesome!
Ian: Anyone who rocks a metal mask and whose resume includes the words “scientist” and “sorcerer” gets my vote for total bad-assery. Also, if you’re born with the name Victor von Doom, your rad fucking vocation is basically set from birth. If you’re born with a name like Nuv, you’d be lucky to wear a bright blue vest and welcome people to your store for minimum wage.
Nuv: A name like Ian Explosivo appears frequently on ‘Registered Sex Offender’ lists. You pretty much nailed it with everything but your feeble attempt at a diss, though. Everything about Doctor Doom rules like a muh’fuh, and with an iron fist! He defeated, then stole the power of, a thinly-veiled version of God for Chris’sakes! More importantly than all of the above reasons, though, is that he’s down with the Biz!
On my favourite villains list, Vic lands at number three. Number two is Lex Luthor. And number one is…
Speaking Of That Shit: Our Favorite Fucking Bad Guys!
Nuv: Joker. He’s the coolest, in every incarnation. He was an early pioneer for the Moustache Rights movement in the late 60s AND he has a sextape. (Chicken, egg.) He knows cool magic tricks! He gets a front row seat wherever the fuck he goes, pulls off the regal colour purple and wears sunglasses indoors. He’s ALWAYS in a good mood. He beats snot-nosed losers to death with crowbars in front of their moms. He’ll cripple your daughter, then strip and torture you via S&M midgets and photography. AND if you’re too pussy to kill him when he tells you to, he’ll break his own neck just to prove a point. AND he’ll win an Oscar AFTER that! AND he lent me his crowbar to deal with MY midget problem. Come here, Ian…
Ian: Fuck whoever Nuv picked! I didn’t even read the last paragraph! I don’t even care! There is no villain more gangsta than Erik Lehnsherr aka MAGNETO. And do you know what makes him the greatest?! The fact that he’s always TOTALLY CORRECT. Fuck homo sapiens! Homo superior FTW!
Nuv: Yeah. “FTW” indeed. Especially in this story of his team-up with Galactus…
Making Alpha Flight Fucking Cool!
Ian: Nothing will ever make Alpha Flight cool. Alpha Flight sucks. John Byrne should be convicted of treason in Canada for saddling us with such a wack group of “heroes” to call our own. They’re based out of Parliament Hill for Christ’s sake, fighting polar bears and frostbite. Raking leaves and putting up wood panel walls in their houses and shit. Using serviettes and trying not to spill their Habitant split-pea and ham soup on their chesterfields. Riding their snowmobiles to fight, oh, let’s say, businesses that stay open past 6pm.
Nuv: Ha! I was all set to try and defend them, but now I just want to read about them raking leaves and fucking up their furniture. Really, it’s more that I’ve always WANTED to like them, but help me out here guys! Being Canadian and Wolverine’s former team are not enough for you guys to coast on forever. Your roster is just laughable. A moustached midget in a leotard is something I already have to tolerate. (See: author of previous paragraph.) And Northstar? Fuck off! I have no problem with him being gay or a French-Canadian. No, MY problem is with somebody having the superpower to shine really bright when they hold hands with their twin. (No offense Matt & Jay Haddow.) Guardian/Vindicator are fine, but the rest of these two-bit hosers need to be replaced right-quick. Eh.
And Fuck You Guys Too!
Ian: You want me to put together a team of my least favourite heroes of all time? Man, this is the easiest question ever! It’s called the Justice League of America and it already exists. ZING! Seriously though, a team of my least favourite heroes would have to include Ant Man (or any of the miniature heroes), Cyclops, Deadpool, Hawk, Nuv, Power Girl, and Superboy. Oh, and any superhero drawn by Erik Larsen in the 90s. Or now. Or ever.
Nuv: Aww. I’m one of your heroes? That’s precious. My picks are: Aqualad, Jubilee, Banshee, Forge, Maggott (the name is off by a few letters), Northstar and Aurora, Marrow, (fuck, a lot of X-Men suck the bone!), Dr. Druid,
Black Bat-Wolverine with AIDS Shadowhawk, any New Universe character, the emo couple hanging on your living room wall, The Wonder Twins – the one that could turn into water (whoop-de-shit!) specifically – and, bringing it full circle, Aquaman as leader to ensure their swift cancellation/death.
Fuck you, comics!
– The Big Two
NEXT ISSUE: FIND OUT WHAT THE FF STANDS FOR NOW THAT THE FANTASTIC FOUR IS DOWN TO THREE.
TUNE IN: SAME IAN-TIME, SAME NUV-CHANNEL…