Are you aware that I don’t eat, sleep, breathe and sweat football?
No?
Well, let me educate you on the rest of my existence.
I’m sure if you ask most people around me what I breathe and sweat they would reply, “TOFU!” or “GRANOLA!” and they would be wrong. But here’s why they are so confused… I, in my everyday life, manage a health food store. I am mostly surrounded by people who believe in unicorns, magic crystals, colon cleanses and tofu.
Football is my dirty secret, except it’s not dirty and not trying to be a secret. When people ask me what I’ve been up to outside of work, and I tell them I’ve been doing some writing about muscled men in tight pants that like to toss and catch balls aka Football… I get the dog-head-tilt. It’s almost like I just told them that I love to sit at home on a Friday night listening to Nickelback while eating brussel sprouts for 6 hours straight. No one wants to do that ever… EVER! Then I get all sorts of questions about the violence and “what about hockey??” or “aren’t you into yoga?!?!”
Yeah, I like yoga and non-violent things… but what people also forget is that on a daily basis I daydream about being the female version of Jason Bourne, running down the street kicking bad guy ass with a coffee cup (don’t ask), and jumping through windows in Morroco just to elbow some dude in the eye… while he’s in the shower. Maybe it’s because I spend the greater part of my day being thoughtful about humans and the planet that I need a violent release, and that comes in the form of football or my actor boyfriend Matt Damon.
This is why I really hope we get to have a season this year… I don’t wish to be forced into eating mung bean-encrusted tofu covered in miso gravy and old hippy beard hair at some Sunday potluck, while whispering about moon cycles and government alien conspiracies! I hope to be eating nachos and drinking beer… but I hate beer… so scotch out of a beer bottle… and yelling at Tony Romo on Sundays.
If for some shitty-ass reason this season fails to exist, I have compiled a list of things to keep you occupied during the fall and winter:
Go to the Gym… she said what?!?! G-Y-M, you know, the place with all the sweat-covered machines that make you cry for mercy, and turn your face seven different shades of red. Go there, and try this.
Watch Hockey! This is another sport that’s similar to football in that they wear helmets. They also wear fake teeth or no teeth and hit guys in the head, and breaking another player’s neck is only really punishable if you are a nobody. Let’s liken it to Tom Brady decapitating someone and getting a candy cane for his effort, or Aaron Maybin tripping someone and getting pelted with bowling balls in front of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. Sounds like a fun sport… no?
Star Wars! Ok… I hate Star Wars. I also know I am mostly alone in my hatred. I also love nerds. So, I will suggest if it’s in your soul to nerd out and watch Star Wars, you could maybe get the Blu-Ray box set coming out this fall. Have fun with that. Or, if you want to be my best friend, watch this instead.
Start a Football League! Spend your “pre-season” coming up with your own cool football-worthy player names like “Laquanshawn Veinticinco” or “DaRussel Prince Aquashad” and great team names like “West Coast Pavement And The Skanky Nostril” or “The Vermont Bum And The Milk.” Get really drunk and play your asses off every Sunday… or play till someone pukes then go watch some Star Wars.
If all else fails, come back here and read my constant complaining about the lack of balls and boys, but my relief that my team is doing so much better than last season!
Fingers crossed that Sunday prevails and greed gets smacked in the nuts!
Meet me back here in September.
– “Hail Mary” McLeod
