The NBA playoffs are upon us! Cue Kevin Garnett banshee scream: “Anything is possible!!!!!”
Anything except for my team making the playoffs that is. This marks two years in a row that my beloved Houston Rockets find themselves in the lottery. But they aren’t just any ordinary lottery team mind you; they have the unenviable distinction of being the “best team not to make the playoffs” two years running, meaning they had the best record out of all the non-playoff teams. If you play poker, this is akin to finishing ‘on the bubble,’ which sucks. Why? Well for one, they didn’t make the playoffs. But more importantly, it means they’ll draft last in the lottery unless they can miraculously win the lottery, which is pretty much impossible unless David Stern rigs it again like he did in 1985 for the Knicks, but he won’t because he hates the Rockets. And picking the last player in the lottery won’t help your team rebuild unless you get lucky and get a Kobe Bryant as the Charlotte Hornets did in 1996 before promptly trading his ass to L.A. for Vlade Divac, so I guess it didn’t help them either. Great trade Charlotte!
Obviously I like my bitterness seasoned with a dash of history, but enough of that and on to the playoffs!
Eastern Conference
Nothing to see here. There is such a disparity between the East’s top four teams and the bottom four teams that any chance of a first round upset is about as likely as Kevin Garnett not punching guys in the nuts anymore.
Speaking of that dirty punk, his Boston Celtics stumbled to the finish line (especially after trading away Kendrick Perkins), raising questions again about whether they are too old and too slow to make a championship run. Sound familiar? And while they proved all the critics wrong last year with their inspired run to the finals only to choke away Game Seven to the Lakers, I think the luck of the Irish can only go so far. Especially since none of the players are Irish (except for Troy Murphy, maybe that’s why they picked him up?).
The Celtics will be facing a much-improved, much-extreme-makeovered New York Knicks team now featuring Amare Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony and the ‘throw-in’ in that blockbuster deal, Mr. Big Shot, Chauncey Billups, (*update: Billups got injured in Game One – fuck!) so there’s actually a real possibility that the Knicks will take out Boston and then go on to meet LeDouche and the Heat in round two.
So I lied. I’m actually really excited about the Boston – New York series and while I dislike both teams, there’s no denying the seething rivalry between these two cities and the intrigue of seeing how the Knicks’ Big Three – Stoudemire, Anthony, Billups – stack up to Boston’s Big Three – Pierce, Allen, Garnett – with the winner taking on Miami’s Big Three – LeDouche, Wade, Bosh – only to eventually lose to Chicago’s Big One – Derrick Rose (sorry Carlos Boozer, you’re not big enough).
Should be a good one.
Western Conference
It’s the wild wild west! Hack sportswriters love using this cliché to describe the Western Conference. For once… they’re right! Because it is frickin’ wild! Upsets abound. I’m expecting a flurry of fireworks in the first round with a seventy-five percent chance of upsets starting with the Memphis Grizzlies taking out the Ginobili-less Spurs. The Grizz has a huge frontline with Zebo and the better looking Gasol that can nullify Tim Duncan’s fundamentals, and two elite perimeter defenders in Tony Allen and ex-Grizzly-ex-Rocket-current-Grizzly Shane Battier, who can take turns shutting down Ginobili if and when he returns. Tony Parker will usually get his no matter who’s guarding him, but if they take away the driving lanes and make him a jump shooter, they have a chance.
I also like the Portland Trailblazers’ chances against the Dallas Mavericks since they match-up well with them but mostly because I can’t stand that cheese-bag Mark Cuban and the soft-as-cheese Dirk No-win-ski.
As for the Denver – Oklahoma City series, go ahead and flip a coin. Yes, that’s the extent of my expert analysis. For what it’s worth, I put ten bucks on OKC, after flipping a coin. So I guess it’s worth ten bucks.
The Lakers – Hornets match-up is the only lopsided one coming out of the West. I hate the Lake Show but Kobe and the ugly Gasol will take this one pretty handily over the New Orleans Chris Pauls, I mean, Hornets.
Still, I find the defending champs to be too flawed to come out of the West. And because I believe winning coin flips is a good omen, after the smoke clears I’m calling an Oklahoma City Thunder – Chicago Bulls finals with the Thunder winning the chip. Kevin Durant / Russell Westbrook – Co-MVP. Book it. There’s no better time to call your bookie.
Need more omens? How about Thor, the God of Thunder, coming out in a few weeks? Coincidence? I think not! Ridiculous you say? Impossible? Anything is possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (As a side note, the OKC Thors would have been a much cooler team name – merch would go through the roof!)
– Tom Day
