“I’ll ride with you, Toretto.”
If you can’t suspend your disbelief, or you need to learn poignant life lessons with every trip to the cinema, steer clear of the fifth installment in the Fast & Furious franchise, cleverly named Fast Five. If you’re more “Yahoo!” than “Serious” and you like the over-the-top machismo & adrenaline of the previous installments (I do…well, some of them), swerve into your local theatre. You’ll like this one more, promise. Fast cars and faster hoes. No screen-time smeared by shitty-ass she-man Michelle Rodriguez. No attention paid to pesky laws, be they ‘road’ or ‘physics.’ Vin Diesel at his gravelly-voiced best vs The Motherfuckin’ Rock, trading in The People’s Eyebrow for The Pharoah’s Beard (see below). In this post-Stallone/Schwarzenegger landscape, this clash of throwback over-muscled badasses is just what this 80s baby ordered, and along with the lane change from road race to Ocean’s-style heist, speeds this one into first. Fun, dumb, fast, furious, fuckyeah. (Oh, and, for my money, The Rock takes this one. Sorry Vin.)
The entire soundtrack sucks the stick shift, so, instead, I’ll hit you with the appropriately-titled latest banger from the unholy union of Eminem & Royce Da 5’9”, Fast Lane…
Where Is Danny?
He’s probably fighting a giant squid, apparently. I dunno. I DO know that Danny Swain is the mu’fuckin’ TRUTH and if we don’t locate the man soon, rap might die. Join the search, mu’fuckers…
“Ya moms threw away your best porno mag…”
…so you may as well watch this, the full-length, days-old short film from the centuries old Beasties. Cause they’re just 2 A-dams and a Mike… ro…phone? Hmmm. Never mind. Wha? Shut up-a you face!
“We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy!”
Fuckin’ Wayne’s World jokes?! Sweet… “Not!” Sigh… tell ‘em LaBonte. “Really?!” Moving on, quickly and without eye contact… I’mma see Thor this Friday. As is any Led Zeppelin-era comic fan, like my older brother, inner Olmos*-a-quakin’ in anticipation. The rest of you should too. Fuckin’ mighty hammers and Kirk’s dad and Natalie Portman and one-eye Anthony Hopkins and Kenneth Branagh and shit. AND it’s an Avengers tie-in. AND Stringer Bell’s the guardian of the Rainbow Bridge so… Shee-it. I had you till Rainbow Bridge didn’t I? Whatevs. I’ll be back Monday to tell you what I thought. Until then: THIS!
* Editor’s Note: Olmos – a fierce mullet/moustache combo platter; pock marks optional.
“And when I finally fly, I’m gonna show ‘em all…”
Smallville is almost over. I’ve put 10 years in, and I can’t say it was all worth it. Despite the best screen portrayal of Lex yet, Lana growing out of her cute phase and into cat face and all the annoying WB-angst baggage draggin’ the fuck along behind her led to my eyes puking from the constant rolling. Nonetheless, a decade spent together is something to take notice of. I’ll be back in a few weeks to say goodbye.
Until then, I’ll leave you with this clever take on the concept of the most famous comic book origin ever. Yo, XV: Form of Rap, son! Godspeed Up, Up and Away…
Action Speaks Louder
Action Comics hit #900 last week. 900 issues. 73 years. That’s huge! So’s the book itself, literally. 96 pages from the best and brightest in comics, movies and television, celebrating the best and brightest (and first) superhero of them all, the longest-running superhero comic ever. And, for once, one of these big, epic, spectacle anniversary issues lives up to the hype and anticipation. (For the most part.)
I could go on and on, but instead I’m gonna hit you with nine faster-than-a-speeding-bullet point reasons to celebrate Action Comics’ b-day and pick up this piece of comic history:
9. The covers! All three of ‘em! One: True Grit! Two: Chain Reaction! Three…
8. This Fuckin’ Guy! (See below, bottom left corners) It’s his 900-issue birthday too!
7. The cameos by Neil Gaiman’s Death & The Joker!
6. The main story, written by Paul Cornell, wraps a bow on the excellent Black Ring storyline starring Lex Luthor, and features the ultimate battle with his arch-enemy, making his return to the title LL usurped, Superman!
5. Lex achieves victory!
4. Lex’s Achilles Heel Kryptonite!
3. Defining moments for both that epitomize why their struggle against one another will be eternal, and why Superman will always win in the end!
2. Gary Frank, this generation’s premier Superman artist, channeling the ghost of Christopher Reeve through his pen, both in the main story (see above) and in the (very) short story “Friday Night In The 21st Century.”
1. “Life Support.” A (believe it or not) fresh take on the final days of Krypton. Courtesy of Lost mastermind Damon Lindelof and the absolutely stunning artwork of Ryan Sook, the 10 page short channels the tone and intellect of the Superman stories of Alan Moore in his prime, before Wicca and his beard took control, and the clean, iconic work of Dave Gibbons (on those same stories) with a for-good-measure dash of Season 1 Lost, especially in the pacing and reveal.
Yeah, yeah. I know what I said. I was there when I said it! Action > Words. Fine. If you’re not on an Apple device and have Flash enabled (Apple/Adobe are on some Supes/Lex shit) see for yourself below, both “Life Support” and “Friday Night In The 21st Century.” Then tie that towel around your neck and WHOOSH! Getonupouttahere. You may get to the local comic shop quick enough to buy a copy and read the rest. Ian, be sure to tie the other end to the rafters first. I’ll go get you a stool…
– Nuv
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Re: (Oh, and, for my money, The Rock takes this one. Sorry Vin.)
Stone Cold takes em both.
“No screen-time smeared by shitty-ass she-man Michelle Rodriguez” = Gold
Tom: Thanks brother. The thought of her face makes penises commit suicide en masse.
Tim: Agreed Cue-Ball, you could take them both. Maybe a Double-Stunner in the inevitable sequel, Furious Six?
Tim & Tom, folks! Seeing their comments back-to-back made me think about how rad of a duo these two would make. I’m talkin’ at least Tango & Cash level…