Thunderstruck

Yo, ho, ho hoes! The Mighty Thor smashed his way into the cineplex this weekend with a more-than-worthy addition to Marvel’s pantheon of cinema superheroes. I’m going to address some pre-conceived notions and fanboy assumptions I had heard floating around prior to the movie’s release. (Is that too matchy-match, that I’m going to play Mythbusters for a mythological hero’s movie? No, geek! You’re overthinking them shits!)

I will try to keep them to a minimum, but there will be minor spoilers ahead. Necessary evil. Like bagging Ian’s mom’s head before doin’ it. (I would also suggest blindfold and earplugs for self if forced to endure this literal bumping of ugly.)

“Cock the hammer, it’s time for action…”

It’s gonna be all old-world, D&D nerdy, what with all the ‘Thou hast’ and ‘Verily’ talky-talk.

I say thee nay, mu’fuckers! While the subject matter and Kenneth Branagh’s Shakespearean background had some of you sure this would be in full-on stuffy-as-a-chastity belt/suckling-Tolkien’s-teat mode, I was like “Naw.” Confession: I don’t really like six-sided-die = zero-sided-nuts/level 7 orc-mage/50 hit points-for-the-elixir-of-permanent-virginity-style fantasy. There are a few exceptions. Lord of the Rings, Conan (the comics version, though I do chuckle at the scene in the first movie when Arnold fucks a witch-bitch – with weird shallow thrusts that you only use if you have a micro-penis I might add – and then chucks her in the fire. Hilarity!), Led Zeppelin songs and some mythology, like Hercules and Thor. Mythology was, after all, basically the prototype for superheroes. Still, one of the hokier elements of the old Thor comics (that I bungied down through a skylight and sultrily dodged laser alarms with Zeta-Jones to “borrow” from my long-hair older brother) was all of the stiff, overly proper-speak and “have at thees” and shit. (Well, that and his sleeveless WWF-looking top and wristbands, thankfully replaced with a much cooler, armored-viking-hero look in both the comics and the film.) Anyways, back to the point: thank ye gods that this version of Thor and all of his Asgardian cohorts don’t use modern slang, avoid contractions for the most part, and while they still speak in a grandiose manner, they dial back the – as Piggy put it – ‘pomp & circumstance’ quite a bit. So no “Zounds! Verily hast thee incurred yon I don’t even knoweth of whence I speak anymore! Forsooth and such!” and also no LOL-loser “OMG” speak* Balance is key, Daniel-San. Which brings me to…

Too much Ass-Guard Ian/Too Much Puny Human Kat Dennings

The worry that there would be too much time spent either in Asgard (super-serious-Shakespeare shit) or on Earth (slapstick-taser-quip shit). Nope. The balance is pretty even. I already addressed that the melodrama frothed up but never made a mess, and they walk the humour tightrope with grace also. Sure, I could’ve done without Kat Dennings. She wasn’t entirely vital, but I don’t think she crossed the line into annoyance. Stellan Skarsgård was rad as always, (although one thing about him indirectly sucks, which I’ll get to two questions from now). Natalie Portman is great, and I can suspend my disbelief on love-at-first-sight to some extent. I understand they only have like two hours running time to establish and accomplish everything. BUT her role is one of these post-damsel-in-distress-era roles (like Katie Holmes/Maggie Gyllenhaal in the Batman movies) where, in an attempt to not make the women seem weak, they make them implausibly important to the heroes’ origins/motivations.  It’s unnecessary. Or I’m sexist. You decide, True Believers!

Thor’s just a long-hair Superman.

While he is sort of Marvel’s answer to Superman*** that’s only if you’re really stretching to find Marvel/DC equivalents. Outside of the red cape, the ability to fly and the super-strength, Thor’s completely different. Whereas Superman’ll kick your ass if he has to, it’s more like disappointed, fatherly discipline. Thor is often arrogant, brash and quick to smash suckers with his mighty hammer, Mjolnir. Thor drinks mead and gets mad Asgard-ass. While listening to Immigrant Song and Black Dog. Also, while Supes is an only child, and the ‘Last Son of Krypton,’ some of the more interesting aspects of Thor stories come from his people. His drinking buddies, the (well-cast) Warriors Three and Sif (his side-ass on Asgard), and his family, brother Loki the trickster (more on him shortly) and pops, the All-Father Odin. They’re a family just like any other, really. Loki plays hilarious pranks on his brother and Odin punishes his impulsive son by grounding him. Of course on Asgard, this means Loki tricking Thor into breaking a truce and starting a war with evil Frost Giants, which leads to Odin stripping Thor of his power and hammer and exiling him from the rainbow bridged golden kingdom to wack-ass Earth. Just like what happened in the Takhar household in ‘87. No big.

They shoulda cast Alexander Skarsgård

Okay. You know that tall, super-Nordic motherfucker from True Blood and Generation Kill? He’d make a good Thor right? Well, I thought so. He even auditioned. Aaannnd… they didn’t cast him. BUT they cast his father in another role. That’s insult to injury. Salt in the incision! Bah! Bastardos!! Fuck this movie, right? NOPE. Despite the cardinal sin of not being a Skarsgård, Chris Hemsworth is absolutely electrifying as the God of Thunder. And not just in the action sequences, which are super-epic-cosmic-extravaganzas! (Especially the Destroyer sequences. The most ‘comic book’ shit I think I’ve ever seen on film. Mega-awesome!). The second best thing about this movie is it’s ability to, that’s right, balance the action with character, and Hemsworth kills it with every emotional peak and valley the script calls for, applying the appropriate amount of weight or brevity at every turn. Alternately funny, charming, cocky, melancholy, mischievous, and majestic. Kirk’s dad from the beginning of the 2009 remake of Star Trek absolutely owns your attention eveyrtime he’s onscreen. Thor towers over everyone else in the movie. Almost.

I mean, other than some racist and/or retarded fanboys, anyone who saw Idris Elba’s Stringer Bell on The Wire knew he was gonna be cool-as-fuck as Heimdall. (Correct.) And we all knew Anthony Hopkins was gonna rule as Odin. (Affirmative.) What we didn’t know was that, true to their characters’ arcs, his sons would take the throne from him. And while the seat is meant for the very-deserving Thor, he very nearly has it usurped by Tom Hiddleston and his equally star-making turn as the calculating and conflicted Loki. In the tradition of Marvel’s extremely three-dimensional**** villains, Hiddleston channels Fredo and gives us a Loki with many layers and shades of grey, rather than just wearing the black hat and moustache-twirling.

Remember how I said the second best thing about the film was the balance of action and character? Wanna know what was #1? Casting. Perfect. And Hannibal’s all like “Touché, Odinsons.”

Thor’s world and Iron Man’s world are going to clash. The Avengers are doomed.

Look here, nincompoop: Thor’s tone is consistent with Iron Man’s. The settings are different, but could (and do) easily fit together. Not a concern. Just as the world is full of people and places that seem to be opposites, so too is the Marvel Universe, on paper and now on film. Seeing how they play off one another is what makes this all fun. This is something that has worked in the shared universes of Marvel and DC Comics for decades. I personally love when two of my favourite characters from different books run into each other, and I’ve been digging the various threads weaving from one Marvel flick to the next. The build to next year’s Avengers, so far, has been executed perfectly. (Keep your eyes peeled for the Hawkeye cameo, and make sure you stay past the world’s loooongest credits for a bonus scene.) With Iron Man and Thor, two of The Avengers’ Big Three are set, and they nailed it. We’ll find out later this summer if it’s a hat-trick. Don’t fuck it up, Cap…

The moral of the story? Don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Unless it’s Ian’s mom.

– Nuv

*despite Kat Dennings’ involvement, there was no OMG-ing, but something that did make it into the script: “Ok, so, Thor raises his hammer, right, and then, slow zoom on Natalie Portman, “Oh. My. God.” ‘Cause Thor’s a god. Get it? You get it, you guys? **LOLLMAOROFLIMMBWISL.” Fuuuuccckkk you.

**Ian translated it for me: “Loser Out Loud! Lance My Asshole Out Right On the Floor In My Mom’s Basement Where I Still Live!” Thanks, gaylord.

***Superman = Thor if we’re talking power; character-wise, I’d argue Captain America would fill that role, as far as a leader, moral compass and inspiration; equivalent iconic status and recognizability in the mainstream would go to Spidey. Useless Fact #389 brought to you by MY BALLS!

****The 3-D was… OK. A lot of it was uneccessary***** or hard to make out in the darker scenes, although all instances to do with Thor’s hammer and it’s various smashings of shit were siiiccckk!!

*****Hmmm? Oh. Nothing. I’m done. I’m just trying to use up all the asterisks so there are none left for Ian to use in his articles.