Wow! Here we are. This is almost too much to take, but I know I’m ready for this. The Canucks vs The Bruins for the 2011 Stanley Cup.
First off, I would like to officially welcome every Habs fan out there to the Vancouver bandwagon. No self-respecting fan of the Montreal Canadiens would dare root for the Bruins. As for the rest of Canada, I hope you guys are doing the right thing and cheering for the Canucks. I’m pretty sure most fans of other Canadian teams are cheering for the Canucks, but I know some of you aren’t. Let’s hash this out, shall we.
It’s easy for Canuck fans to say “oh yeah, if another Canadian team was in the final I’d totally be going for them, so everyone should go for the Canucks.” But those fans haven’t read forums and articles of people bitching about having to cheer for the Canucks, or straight up not cheering for them at all. I read a forum in Calgary and wow, not only do they want the Canucks to lose, they want them to die. I’m totally fine with that. We’re a bitter rival, I get it. But for those other Canadians out there, that don’t have a team, or cheer for anyone but Calgary and maybe Edmonton, what’s your excuse? Do you hate Vancouver as a city, or maybe the west coast lifestyle? Are you jealous? Do you hate the green men? By the way if anyone reading this right now actually hates the green men, stop reading and jump out a window to rid us of your retardedness.
I’m not trying to convince anyone out there to cheer for the Canucks because the team of international players is based out of a Canadian city. I’m simply saying, if you don’t HATE the Canucks, then what’s stopping you? The people of Vancouver are treating this like the Olympics all over again. Happy (intoxicated) crowds fill the streets and there’s a shit ton of high fives going around. We just want everyone to join us, and we promise not to be too douchey about it if we win. I heard a stat that 10 million Canadians watched Game 5 of the Western Final. That made me smile. I know you guys are out there, but I also know a lot of you are thinking “anybody but the Canucks.” But too bad; this is our time. Our meaning Canada’s.
I’m not going to break down the stats again or anything like that, but with Malhotra returning to take on faceoff specialist Patrice Bergeron, it’s looking like we’ll be pretty hard to beat. We have an answer for everything the Bruins are going to throw at us. They have Thomas, we have Luongo, who, by the way, stood on his greasy head to win that last game. They have Chara, we have two solid lines of forwards to throw at his giant face, and he can’t be out there the whole time. It’s up to him and the coach as to which line will do the scoring.
I know it won’t be easy to cheer for us (especially if you’re a Flames fan) but come on, this is the best chance we’ve had in 17 years to bring the cup back home. Swallow your pride for two weeks and cheer with us! You know we can throw a good party.
– Jay Haddow
THE SIX SECRET WEAKNESSES OF JAY HADDOW!!™
First, steal his electric clippers so he has to use a stick razor to shave his fearsome hobo-beard. Sapped of his beard and afflicted with the dreaded and gruesome “Haddow-neck” he will be at his most vulnerable. A perfect time to strike…
Next, phone him during a Canuck’s game and tell him you’re going to a mall with the unrequited love of his life (R&B singer Monica), then hang up the phone on him without saying goodbye to send him into a blind rage. When he tracks you down to angrily inform you “that’s my girl, dammit!” and “you don’t know the limits!” finish him off with these 6 items in conjunction:
1) Pineapple
2) Cilantro
3) Fluorescent lights
4) Shopping mall food courts
5) ‘Sex & Candy’ by Marcy’s Playground
6) Telling him “Your brother is better at (blank)”
Dance on his grave with his elder-by-6-minutes, Matt “The Heart Attack” Haddow, and remind him he “should’ve never crossed Nuv! He told you he’d get you!! What good are your calf muscles now, dead man!! HUH?!” Umm. Or something to that effect. Finally, sigh deeply at Matt and tell him you wish his brother were here instead of him.
Two birds with a handful of stones. Which reminds me, next time I’ll fill you in on the wondrous game of Rock-Haddow! (Hint: it involves throwing the former at the latter.)
- no Haddows were harmed or granted driver’s licenses in the making of this Nuv rant -
PS – Good article, Jay! (Matt would’ve written a better one though.)
Nice one Jay.
Yesterday’s celebrations on Granville street were almost at “Gold Medal” levels.
It was game 1…
10 Million for game 5 of the Western Final? Sounds like the reports of the Canucks not being Canada’s team were greatly over rated.
The exciting thing about it is that it’s the ONLY thing we have that unites the whole province, even the politicos in Victoria are on the same side for once.
3 More Wins.
repeat.