It was a pretty gloomy summer here in Vancouver and the cloud of NFL lockout crap didn’t help anything. That whole thing feels like forever ago because the NFL is back and all is right with the world. We’re already heading into Week Three so let’s get right into some big stories, predictions and hardcore pornography!
This dude being injured is by far the biggest story of the season. The Colts have a tough schedule this year but without Manning, it’s now the toughest. One thing I know for sure is that the Colts defense will need to step up huge if they want to be at least a .500 team. I saw a quote from Michael Strahan on Twitter that the Colts D should check out for inspiration: “I know the Colts don’t have Manning but he doesn’t play defense.” Strahan posted that as the Colts were losing to the… ughhhh Browns. Ewww. If Manning comes back soon though, you know every team in the NFL will collectively gulp and pee some pants.
Lions, Redskins, and Bills, oh my!
More like… oh my god what in the holy golden monkey nuts is going on here? These three teams are 2-0! Anyone who says they predicted this is a Nazi-Pedophile-Terrorist. This is just insane, but it can’t last. Right? I have a soft spot in my heart for the Lions and Bills but the Redskins can F right off. They have crazy old Mike Shanahan as their coach and he’s just a tad crazy, and old. The Lions offense is impressive and if Stafford stays healthy, they’ll make the playoffs. The Bills will maybe be 8-8, and the Redskins can go die somewhere. Why do I hate the Redskins you ask? Cause I’m a surly prospector from the old west, wait no, it’s ’cause they have Tim Hightower and a bunch of old weirdos. I hope they go 2-14.
A Golden Era Of Quarterbacks?
Since Manning is sidelined, the crown sits firmly on Tom Brady’s pretty head. He threw for almost 1000 yards over the first two games of the season. Uh, wow. Aaron Rodgers looks even more confident and his QB rating so far is second to the aforementioned pretty boy. Drew Brees will no doubt have a great year again, as long as his receivers don’t let him down. Mike Vick is looking decent but he got kinda messed up last game and is questionable for the next. I guess we’ll see if he’s a big dog or just a puppy. Josh Freeman, Cam Newton, Matt Ryan, Matthew Stafford and Sam Bradford put me at ease when I wonder what the future of the NFL will be. With guys like Newton and Freeman around, it’s going to be amazing. I should also tip my hat to Tony Romo after Sunday’s game. Okay, so maybe the guy puckers his lips when posing for photos but he did play, and win, with a punctured lung.
There are some ridiculous secondary’s out there like the Jets, Eagles and Packers, but if you look at overall defense, the Houston Texans are a surprising early success story. They’ve allowed the fewest yards overall and seem to have all the pieces in place to win the AFC South and maybe go deep in the playoffs. Wow, did I just type that?! The Steelers, Bears and Ravens have to be mentioned in this category, but it’s still too early in the season to see if age will be an issue. When you start seeing oxygen tanks and slippers on the sidelines, watch out! One team to actually watch out for though, as much as this pains me, is the Cowboys. They’ve built a solid and respectable defense and props have to be given for that. Sean Lee leads the league in tackles and they’ve already got DeMarcus Ware so this D could get them into the playoffs. Will Romo choke it away again, or just be a smug smirking douchebag in interviews? Or both?
Week Three Preview
The week coming up looks promising fo sho!
We have The Texans vs. The Saints, which might be the game of the week. These teams match up well against each other on paper. The Texans have offense and defense and the Saints have offense and a bunch of gross drunk people with beads.
The Packers vs. The Bears is a classic match up and it’s a great Green Bay offense versus a great Chicago defense. This game should be played at the North Pole with freaky Eskimos as the referees.
Patriots vs. The Bills. Final score 757 – 632 for the Patriots. If you like defense, stay the hell away from this game.
So, that’s all I got for this week. Sorry we took so long to crank out a football column. We were too busy dealing with a Fantasy League that I’m currently getting smoked in, but hey, the NFL is back and that’s really all that matters. Well that and the Raiders and Cowboys losing every game for the rest of EVER!
– Jay Haddow