For those just tuning in, DC relaunched their entire universe with 52 new #1 issues (both in print and with day-and-date digital editions) and The Big Three (Ian, Nuv and guest/hostage Mark Campbell) are running the gauntlet of reading/reviewing ALL OF ‘EM! Need to read the previous instalments? Follow the links below…
PART ONE • PART TWO • PART THREE • PART FOUR
WEEK 5
All Star Western #1 by Justin Gray, Jimmy Palmiotti and Moritat
Mark: This was a lot of fun. I probably won’t keep up with the series, because westerns don’t do much for me, but I might pick up a trade here and there.
Ian: I like looking at Jonah Hex’s face about as much as I like looking at Nuv’s (it’s even worse than Mark’s!) and for the same reason. The art here is classic Moritat, ugly for the vast majority and inconsistent as all hell. “Well it ain’t good news if’n you’re a whore.” The story is pretty darn sweet though… damn you Gray and Palmiotti!
Nuv: Ian, you’re a right cunny, I reckon. Speaking of ugly motherfuckers – Jonah Hex in the Gotham City of the 1800’s!!! Everything that’s awesome about westerns (whores, saloon fights, gunslingin’) plus the closest we’ll get to The Man With No Name (Hex) teaming up with Sherlock’s homey, Watson (played here by the man that will eventually found Arkham Asylum). YUP!
Aquaman #1 by Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis
Ian: In what universe does a guy read a comic featuring AQUAMAN, a character widely considered THE HORSE’S ASS OF THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY, and then love it so much he ends up buying a copy on eBay because all of the stores in the city are SOLD OUT?! Geoff Johns, I’ve given you some shit in the past, but man you did this one right. AMAZING!
Mark: I liked this book better when it was called Aquaman: Time and Tide.
Nuv: This comic makes me angry. My hatred for Aquaman has become a notorious, recurring theme in this column. He sucks ass and talks to fish. Fuck him, right? That’s not what makes me mad though. It’s that Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis made me really like a comic starring this wet dickwad! Seriously! I’ll admit, it’s partly because they have the people Aquaman runs into treat him with the same ridicule and necessary disdain that the real world treats him with. I mean, that’s what you do with jokes. You laugh at ‘em. And the fact that in-story the DCU is finally in on the joke that is this seahorse-raper in an orange shirt is sweet. What’s infuriating is that the script and art are top notch. So basically: AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Batman: The Dark Knight #1 by Paul Jenkins, David Finch and Jay Fabok
Ian: Paul Jenkins writes a fun – if sparse – opening issue and David Finch’s pencils are a great as ever, but I can’t shake the feeling this book is going to be eclipsed by the five other Bat-books released this month. People only have so much money and this book is really not as fresh as the others as far as I’m concerned.
Nuv: Not AS fresh?! This comic is a decomposing piece of zombie asshole. Fuckin’ ONE-FACE?!?! Fuck outta here! No, I meant you and Mark: Fuck outta here! And take this been-done-a-million-times (aka your mom) retread (aka his mom) with you!
Mark: Finch and Jenkins don’t ever want you to forget that Batman is dark. And moody. And about fear. Unfortunately, they beat you over the head with those ideas to the point where they become meaningless. Perhaps they could turn their attention to Nuv and/or Ian next?
Blackhawks #1 by Mike Costa, Graham Nolan and Ken Lashley
Ian: Not bad, but not great. Graham Nolan’s art is better than a lot of the stuff DC has published this month, but at its core this is a war-based comic and war-based comics are BORING. Also, where the shit is Zinda Blake?! DC, YOU PROMISED.
Mark: This was a great GI Joe comic. By a great GI Joe writer. It was just missing all of the great GI Joe and Cobra characters. I wish ‘Life’ was missing all of the ‘Ian’ and ‘Nuv’ characters…
Nuv: I wish I could put this comic in a car covered with pork chops, with Mark and Ian in it and then aim a stampeding Tracy Morgan’s wife from 30 Rock straight at the car, killing the four shittiest things that exist on this planet in one fell, unBELIEVABLY untalented swoop.
Flash #1 by Francis Manapul and Brian Buccellato
Ian: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan I’ll keep reading The Flash until Francis Manapul stops drawing it. I don’t actually care about the character much, but the art alone is more than worth my monthly three bucks.
Nuv: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan Manapul KILLS IT! This comic is the mofo TITS!! Meaning I can’t stop looking at it and I when I get my hands on it I wanna stick my face in the crease and drop a beatbox ! I love it! So I ate it!
Mark: Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan this Flash #1 was better than the last Flash #1. But I still don’t like the Flash enough to stick around. Ditto for these two bastards…
Fury of Firestorm #1 by Ethan Van Sciver, Gail Simone and Yildiray Cinar
Nuv: Firestorm kinda Firestunk. While I like the potential dynamic between the two leads – nerd and jock hate each other, get fused together into Firestorm, must learn to co-exist while bickering – I thought the set-up was hackneyed and I outright hate the costumes. A shame, because the artist (Yildray Cinar) is both fucking awesome and has a name that sounds like a sci-fi villain.
Mark: Much like Simone’s Batgirl, I enjoyed this on the first reading… but it fell apart after that. Over the top baddies, and too many coincidences necessary for Jason and Ronnie to become Firestorms.
Ian: Gail Simone wrote this piece of crap?! Man, I was eating chicken fingers when I read this comic, so at least SOMETHING good happened in that fifteen minutes.
Green Lantern: New Guardians #1 by Tony Bedard and Tyler Kirkham
Ian: Comics like this are the reason I stayed away from DC for so long. Space cops? Who cares?! Also, how do I know Tyler Kirkham’s biggest influence is John Romita Jr? GAWD!
Mark: This was just stupid. A retelling of Kyle Rayner’s origin, tweaked just enough to prevent it from being a complete fluke that he became GL, and then a jump ahead to present day (which gets really messy when you think about the fact that DC wants their new history to be within a five year period) and all of the spectrum rings are ditching their owners for Kyle.
Nuv: If you’re wondering why Mark keeps harping on the “five year period,” it’s because he’s in the middle of one himself and keeps running out of “feminine products.” Being that this comic SUCKS INCREDIBLY, it may actually be of some use to you Mark. At least on those “heavy flow” days.
Mark: You are a complete and utter waste of skin.
I, Vampire #1 by Josh Fialkov and Andrea Sorrentino
Mark: Easily the biggest surprise in the New 52 for me. The art was sensational – very reminiscent of early Jae Lee work. The story, while I can’t imagine it working for long in the proper DCU, was intriguing. I might actually stick around for a few issues on this one.
Ian: Scott Snyder strikes again! Just like Finch’s The Dark Knight plays second fiddle to Snyder’s Batman, I Vampire plays runner-up to Snyder’s American Vampire. Why read a book if someone else is doing it better? Don’t get me wrong, the story is fun and Sorrentino’s art is very good, but there’s only enough room in my heart (and wallet) for one vampire book. There’s NO room in my heart for you Nuv, you dick!
Nuv: That’s okay. If I WERE a dick, there’s plenty of room in your mouth. But I digress, and concur with these goofs. This was a huge and pleasant surprise in that it wasn’t die-bedheaded-and-sparkling-to-an-Evanescence-song Twilight-y horseshit. A sick of vampires motherfucker named Nuv found it a fun read, and the art was indeed squint-through-beer-goggles-and-it’s-Jae-Lee-like-a-mofo. WICKED HARSH!
Justice League Dark #1 by Peter Milligan and Mikel Janin
Mark: Not the best in terms of number ones, but I still enjoyed it. There is a complex story taking shape here, and it probably scared off a few of those mythical “new readers,” but my love for Milligan’s Hellblazer will keep me around for the long run.
Nuv: Blackmagicdarkness! This was awesome in parts, though the need to make the Justice League proper look weak in the face of magic just to justify this League was pretty uninspired.
Ian: The art takes some getting used to and the story is very much “Peter Milligan” – read: Limey as hell – but at least you can say this book has a unique feel. Also, I’ll buy anything with Madame Xanadu AND Zatanna.
The Savage Hawkman #1 by Tony Daniel and Philip Tan
Ian: There’s a trend in this new batch of #1’s to emulate Francis Manapul (Firestorm, this book) and I gotta say it’s a trend I’m totally down with. Philip Tan, good job. What I’m NOT down with is Hawkman as a character. Nth metal? Jeez…
Mark: I’ve got the first two Brightest Day hard covers, and that series did a pretty good job of making me care about Hawkman and Hawkgirl. But apparently, those Hawks weren’t emo savage enough for DC.
Nuv: Savage Hawkmeh.
Superman #1 by George Pérez and Jesus Merino
Ian: So…many…words…to read.
Mark: Remember when Bendis first started making a name for himself, and the big thing on the interwebs was to complain about decompressed story telling? This is where that got us, internet! This! A compressed jumble of exposition that I had to force myself to get through.
Nuv: You weren’t happy with pantsing the dude and all the kneepads and high collars and shit? You had to saddle the poor guy with a bland-ass story that wouldn’t have been fresh like 15 years ago AND butterknife-sharp art? THAT’S how you treat your flagship hero after 73 years? Poor showing, DC. Poor showing.
Teen Titans #1 by Scott Lobdell, Brett Booth & Norm Rapmund
Ian: Thuppa thuppa! Rappa rappa! Also, SKLASH! Ah, kids comics. Don’t even show them to me or I’ll punch you in the face.
Mark: Teen Titans was once one of the best selling comics on the market. Teen Titans Go was an insanely popular cartoon. Young Justice (which is based more on Teen Titans than it is on Peter David’s comic) is also doing very well. DC just pissed on that legacy.
Nuv: The good news is that a strong enough stream of piss tends to break apart a piece of shit eventually.
Voodoo #1 by Ron Marz and Sami Basri
Ian: You know, DC has caught a TON of abuse from shrill people who hate women and their breasts. At least I think that was their point? Anyhoo, despite the fact that Voodoo spends almost all of its pages with its heroine in various states of near-nudity, it’s still one of DC’s big successes of the month. Why? Because Ron Marz is good at writing comic books and because Sami Basri is good at drawing curved lines. Ka-POW! Anyway, I like this comic and I’m going to keep buying it so whatever to your puritan sensibilities!
Mark: For a story that could have been as tasteless as Catwoman or Red Hood, this was actually handled pretty well. The in-story reasons for Priscilla to be a stripper work, and aside from the first page, the art wasn’t too gratuitous. But, like Grifter before it, this book succeeded more in making me want to re-read my old Wildcats comics, than anything else.
Nuv: This comic is the most realistic portrayal of a night in a strip club EVER! A guy watches a girl dance…
…and we follow them over the course of the evening. From her set on the main stage, to a private dance between the two, to the inevitable moment at the end of the dance when the ugly lights reveal her to be the Creature From The Black Lagoon. Meaning I liked it. I don’t trust dudes that don’t like strip clubs. It’s like Cube done told you pooh-butts: “Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money…” Remember though, he also told yo’ ass: “You can’t trust a big butt and a smile…” So basically, nudity rules. But nudity kills. Plus don’t trust anyone. Except me. I would never lead you wrong. Shee-it, I just took you through 52 motherfuckin’ comics in five days with absolutely NO help at all.
Put two in the air, leave one down, and raise another…
– The Big Three
